


Learning to Love, (Again)

by wekingsandprettythings



Series: Learning to Love Series [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Car Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Love, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Relationship(s), References to Depression, Single Parents, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, switch dnp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-05-13 11:28:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 70,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wekingsandprettythings/pseuds/wekingsandprettythings
Summary: Dan was made a single Dad when he was just 16. Nearly 11 year later, after putting his love life on hold, he meets another single and super hot dad. Somehow a sleepover for their kids leads to something neither of them expected.2nd place in the unofficial Phanfiction Awards<3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i've been working on this for over a month and i am so excited to share it with you guys!!! i'm going to be updating it every Friday! let me know what you think!

When the article first popped up on his laptop screen, he didn’t believe that the Iphone alarm was panic inducing, but waking up to it at 7am after being in a dead sleep changed his mind. 

For the first time in a long time he had a good, long, sleep. He managed to fall asleep after he put Violet to bed, which was unusual because when she went to bed that was supposed to be his time alone. Alone. Time. that's why he fell asleep so fast, he was tired of being alone. 

Violet was 11 now, which meant that her mother had also been out of his life for 11 years. She bailed right after the birth, she wasn’t even around long enough to see Dan cut the cord or even hold her. She didn’t even want to name her. She told the nurses she didn’t want the baby and so, that left Dan’s name to be the only thing on the birth certificate. She signed away all her rights. Never wanting to be with either of them again.

He’s done a pretty good job so far with her. He managed to finish high school when she was 2, then he managed to go to university and live in an apartment with her. He’s gotten a job and watched her go to preschool, and now primary school. Soon she’d be in 6th form and then she’d be gone. And he’d really be alone. 

He shoved those thoughts from his brain. He shoved his feet over the side of his big lonely bed, and shoved his pants on before dragging himself to the kitchen. He put on a pot of coffee and got bowls ready for cereal before trekking up the god awful stairs to see his little girl. 

“Knock knock sunshine.” he says before walking into his beautiful daughters room. 

The sun was shining in her room just enough to make the light purple of her walls light up and cast a beautiful color across her room. Her face was hidden under the covers, her long curly hair fallen over the pillows, she groaned knowing another day of school was coming. 

“Come on love, it’s Friday! The days going to fly by and then tonight your friends coming for a sleepover remember?” He says softly, sitting on the side of her bed and rubbing his hand over her back. 

She shot up like a rocket at the mention of her friend. “You’re going to love Emily, dad! I can’t wait for her to come over and eat pizza and play mario kart!” And with that she was jumping off the bed and running to the bathroom.

He couldn’t stop but shake his head and giggle. That girl was the best person in his whole entire life and seeing her happy was always the cherry on top of his perfect life with her. Soon enough she was dressed, fed and out the door. And so was he. 

“Good Morning Mr. Howell,” Janice, the office secretary greeted. “Your first client will be here in 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. Buzz me when they’re in and I’ll come and collect them.” 

It was Friday, which meant his clients were few and far between. Cindy at 9:30, Drew at 11, Michael at 1, and Karen at 2. It was perfect, not too much, but enough that he felt like he made a difference in people's lives and he was able to be out in time for pick up.

He placed his things on his desk and realized he had a text from an unknown number.

From: Unknown  
To: Dan  
‘Hey, this is Emily’s dad, Phil. I’ve sent her to school today with all of her things and they are in the front office waiting for pick up. Thanks for letting her stay round yours tonight. Our girls seem to be really good friends. I’ll see you tomorrow when I pick her up. What time were you thinking?’

He smiled. Another dad, thank god. He was getting tired of dealing with the somewhat psycho PTA moms that happened to be the mothers of every other friend Violet had brought over. 

From: Dan  
To: Unknown Number  
‘we’re really looking forward to having her! You can come anytime after noon tomorrow, i think that will give them enough time to sleep after whatever shenanigans they get up to. Also we’re going to be having pizza and other snacks tonight, is she allergic to anything?’

After hitting send he added the contact to his phone, “Dad Phil” it was almost a code name, almost made it look like it was his dad, also made him look suspicious, but it helped him navigate the many different people he had in his contact list. 

From: Dad Phil  
To Dan:  
‘Nope, but be careful the kid loves pizza and will eat you out of a house and home :P’

Before he could type back a response, his buzzer had gone off to tell him his first client had arrived.

\----

“Hello, I’m Daniel Howell I’m here for my daughter Violet Howell and I’m also picking up Emily Lester. I believe her parents have sent a letter to confirm that?” Dan said to the lady at the front desk of the girls primary school. 

“Yes, Mr. Lester did mention that this morning, and her things are just ‘round the corner there.” She spoke softly while pointing her finger to Dan’s right. “I’ll sign them out for you and they should be down soon.” 

Around the corner was a somewhat large green over the shoulder bag with a purple and blue pillow on top of it. He grabbed her things and placed them in his car before waiting at the gate for the girls. 

As soon as the bell rang the two girls came barreling down the pavement. Violet jumped right into Dan’s arms while Emily politely stood and waited to be introduced. 

“Dad, this is Emily, Emily this is my dad, Daniel.” She said in her most professional tone.

Dan couldn’t help but laugh hearing his full name coming from his daughter, “Hi dear, are you excited?”

“Oh yes sir.” she said with a nod.

She was taller that Violet, and her hair was lighter, so was her skin. She was the opposite of Violet in the physical sense, but their attitudes seemed to be similar. 

“You don’t have to call me sir, Dan is just fine.” 

The two girls jumped in the backseat of Dan’s all black Mini Cooper, Violet had control of the music, playing all their favorite songs and singing in the back. It made him smile to see her so happy in the back seat. She was always a happy kid, but her happiness was radiated by being with Emily. It must run in her family. She was like sunshine, she made everyone in the car happy, and somehow her father had done the same to Dan over a few funny text messages. 

Once they were back in their little home, Dan pulled out his phone to text her dad.

From: Dan  
To: Dad Phil  
Hey, the girls are safe and home :) 

From: Dad Phil  
To: Dan  
Good! Let me know if she’s forgotten anything and I’ll be up late tonight if she needs me

That made Dan smile. Phil seemed like a genuinely kind man, one that he wanted to know. He didn’t really have any friends that were guys, some of his woman friends had husbands and boyfriends that he was close with, but he’d never call them friends. He wanted a good guy friend.

From: Dan  
To: Dad Phil  
Sounds good! Feel free to text me and check in during the night, i’m probably just going to be watching netflix and eating the leftover pizza alone while they do whatever 11 year olds do

From: Dad Phil  
To: Dan  
I’ll be doing the same, just i’ve ordered in Thai instead. Single dad life is lit.

He’s a single dad. That changed everything for Dan. he’d never met another single dad in their area before. He never even thought there would be, not to be sexist, but single dads were just not as common. 

From Dan:  
To: Dad Phil  
I’m a single dad too, we should hangout sometime, single dad life gets kinda lonely. 

He sent the text before he had time to overthink it. He really did need a friend and he hated being alone, and this Phil guy came off as so similar to him.

From: Dad Phil  
To: Dan  
I’d love to! I’d suggest coming over now but i can already hear Emily whining “Daaaaaad why are you here? You’re embarrassing me.” lol

And he’s funny. Perfect. 

-

The pizza was a hit. Thank god for Dominos or Dan would have had to cook curry or stir fry, and most bottles of sauce feed 2 people, how would he ever have been able to handle more than one child or god forbid what if her mother stayed around?

Sometimes he liked to joke about how shitty some aspects of his life were, but for the main part, his life was pretty amazing.

“Um, dad?” Violet said behind him, sending shivers up his spine in the mostly pitch blackness of their living room. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Um, oh gosh, uh,” she started, seeming nervous and more awkward than normal. “Emily’s gotten her period for the first time and I’m all out of pads.” she spoke fast.

“Oh. Alright.” he said, taking a moment to process and think before going right into full dad mode. “Her dad and I have been texting and he said he’d bring her anything she needs, so I’ll call him to go buy some, does she need anything else? Does she know whats happening?” 

“She’ll probably want some medicine.” She says with a shrug, “maybe even some chocolate? I know that always helps me?” She throws in, knowing full well she doesn’t but will take advantage of getting sweets at any given time.

Dan laughs at her for a quick second, “Do you have any pads in your backpack?” She nods, “Give her one of those until her dad gets here with more, and go keep her company alright? I’ll call you down when he’s here.”

After she runs back upstairs Dan takes a minute to think of what he’s going to say to Phil. He decides calling is better than texting him, it’ll make it seem more urgent. He opens his contacts and hits call.

It rings twice before Phil answers.

“Hello?” A deep, turely, northern voice picks up.

“Hi it’s Dan.”

“What’s wrong?” He can feel the panic through the phone. 

“Emily’s gotten her first period and Violet is all out of pads, could you possibly run to Boots and grab some?” Dan gets it out in one go, rather bite the bullet than beat around the bush. 

“Oh gosh.” He says with a huff.

“Yeah. Have you talked with her about any of this?”

“My mother and I sat her down a few weeks ago, she seemed like she was getting moody and was upset a lot with me, I guess I know why now. Uh, what kind of pads are best? I’m so new to this Dan how do you do it?” He’s rambling and Dan can hear him grabbing car keys and closing doors. 

“It was a lot for me, my mother lives far away and we only see her at Christmas and Easter, so I gave her the talk myself and made sure there were pads here already for when the first one showed up. It was as unexpected as this, only she got hers last year.” He takes a breather when he hears Phil’s car start and a weird noise come down the phone.

“You’re on bluetooth now, I hope you don’t mind talking while I drive. I’m quite nervous.” 

“I don’t mind at all, I wish I had someone with me when this happened.”

Phil takes another deep breath. “Is she okay?”

“Violet gave her one of her school emergency pads from her backpack, so she’ll be fine for now. You might want to bring some ibuprofen and some chocolate as well, that’ll make her feel better and it’s a good way for you to show her that you care.” he continues to talk to Phil while he drives, knowing the amount of anxiety Phil must be facing, it comes with being a counsellor.

“I got Violet a card and flowers the first time just because I knew how hard it would be without her mom for the first one. She didn’t have a woman to really talk to her about it all. But luckily I have a friend called Charlotte who is a midwife and she taught me a lot about them but I still don’t really know cause I’ve never had one you know?” 

“Oh I know. I’m freaking out right now Dan,” there’s a pause, “I wish her mom was here.”

“It’s going to suck the first few times, but it’ll get better.”

“Thanks Dan.”

“Us single dads have to stick together.”

Phil laughs down the phone, “I’m in the Boots lot now, is it okay if I talk to you while I'm in the store?”

“Yes Phil! I don’t mind at all, I’ve been through this so many times.”

“So what do I get her? Tampons? Pads? I’m so confused.” He sounds truly traumatized.

“Definitely pads first! Get some overnight ones, they’re in a orange packaging, those are good starting ones.” He explains, “Tampons aren’t supposed to be used until she feels ready for them or really they shouldn’t be used till after a woman has sex or they’ll hurt.”

“First of all, I had no idea tampons were for after sex but that seems like something I should have known. Second, how do you know so much?”

“I have lots of woman friends who taught me everything I needed to know to be a good single dad of a woman.”

“Alright. I grabbed them. I think I’m going to get her a lot of chocolate and a card.” he says, Dan can hear him rushing around the store. “Ooh!”

“What?” 

“There’s a huge teddy bear here, she needs it.” Dan laughs at him, Phil is so sweet his heart is hurting.

After a few minutes of silence and the occasional “oof” from Phil running into things, he hears a woman at the cash register.

A faint, “Oh, what a good boyfriend. She’s going to love this.”

“My daughter actually just got her first one.”

“Awwww! That’s so sweet!” Followed by some even fainter beeping. 

He hears Phil pay and then get back into his car.

“Did you forget I’m still here?” Dan says down the phone.

“No, I totally didn’t put you in my pocket and forget. Also I’m about to pull up at yours, see you in a second.” 

“Bye.” 

And he hung up. 

‘See you in a second.’ is ringing through Dan’s ears, for some reason he’s nervous and excited. He wonders what this mystery man will look like. And he wonders why he cares so much. He’s almost giddy he’s that excited. Almost as if he’s got a crush. 

A crush. Dan hadn’t had one of those in a long time. With getting his best friend pregnant at 16, going through college with a toddler, and then taking care of her every other moment of his life. He hasn’t had a crush since, since well, since ever.

Phil’s knocking on his front door after a few moments, Dan takes a breath and opens the door. 

“Hi.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the love! i'm going to start posting wednesday and fridays now, seeing as you guys want it so bad! i love you all thank you!

“Hi.” Was all he could say to the breathtakingly beautiful man standing in his doorway with a giant teddy bear under one arm and a bag of things in his other hand. He didn’t even put a coat on, he just ran to the store. Not only was he sweet and cute, he was handsome. Which wasn’t something Dan was expecting to think about him. 

Like a really rugged but also dorky kind of handsome. His hair was clearly darker then it should have been, his eyes stood out more than anything though. The blue of his eyes under the porch light was something spectacular. He was breathtaking. 

He cleared his throat. “Come in.”

“Thanks.” He smiled and Dan felt something in his chest. “You look just how you sound.”

“Really, how’s that?” Dan asked, scared for the response.

Phil smiled. “Strong and confident.” 

Dan giggled, “Thank you.”

They smiled at each other for a few seconds before a child came running down the hallway.

“DAD!” Emily shouted as she came barreling down the hallway, slipping past Dan smashing into her father and giving him a hug.

Dan couldn’t help but smile, it was nice for him to see another family like his own. He loved his daughter and she loved him, they were almost best friends, they were as close as they could be. It was wonderful. Seeing Phil and Emily like that was also wonderful.

Violet came down a few seconds later, Dan took her by the arm and lead her around to their kitchen to give Emily and her father a moment.

“How come you didn’t get me a teddy bear?” Was the first thing Violet said in the kitchen, one eyebrow raised as if she was interrogating him. 

“Cause I got you flowers and you only like the one teddy in your room from when you were a baby anyway.” he snapped back in the same playful sassy tone. 

Violet laughed, and then gave him a quick side hug. “She was worried for her dad to come here at first.”

“Why’s that?” Dan asked, almost concerned.

She pursed her lips and thought for a second, “Her dad’s gone through a few boyfriends and she was worried he’d fall in love with you cause you’re apparently ‘so cute.’” She said with air quotes.

Dan couldn’t help but smile, being called cute by an 11 year old was kind of weird but also flattering seeing as it was in the context of the girls hot dad thinking it. “I am cute, that’s where you get it from.” He pointed out.

Violet smacked him on the side lightly, “Seriously dad, she’s my best friend! She’s worried that you two will date and break up and we won’t be able to be friends anymore but I assured her that you’re straight.”

But he wasn’t. Never has been. Never will be. 

“Actually, I’m not hunny.” He said before really thinking it over.

She looked back at him with a puzzled face, “What?”

“Promise not to be grossed out if I tell you the truth? We’ve always been honest and I don’t want to keep this from you.” He asked, wanting to make sure she wanted to hear what he had to say.

“Yeah, I don’t care dad, you’re also my best friend.”

“I’ve always known I was gay, your mother and I got together at a party and it was an experiment to see if I liked girls at all, it was alright, the end result was better.” He said with a smile, “She was my best friend and she thought we would work out and we didn’t but I’d never take it back and I hope you know that. I love you and I’m so glad you’re in my life sweetheart.”

She looked at him with a disgusted face, “It was fine until you called me sweetheart and now I want to rip my ears off.” 

To which Dan stared back down at her, his face screaming the word “Really?” It made her laugh before giving him another hug. 

“I love you too and I’m glad I’m your daughter.”

Dan felt his heart ache and tears build in his eyes. “Aww don’t make me cry there's a cute man in our front hall and you know I get ugly when I cry.”

“Dad!” she yelled, pulling away, “Don’t mess this up for me and Emily!” 

“Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be sisters and best friends.”

“You’re gross.”

-

Eventually Emily and Violet went back to Violet’s bedroom, leaving Dan and Phil in the front hall again. Phil was still wearing his shoes, but Violet had taken all the things from his hands. He was leant up against the wall, they were talking about anything and everything. 

“Do you want to make some popcorn and watch a movie with me? I feel bad that you drove here just to go back home so soon.” Dan said, secretly thirsting over him. 

Phil groaned, “Popcorn is my weakness, how did you know?” 

“Did you almost nut over popcorn?” Dan laughed.

“Popcorn is my kink what can I say?” Phil said, kicking off his shoes.

Phil was being slightly flirtatious and honestly, Dan was feeling it. He hadn’t felt like someone was interested in him since college when he had time between classes to have cheeky hookups. He missed it. 

He smiled, “Shut up and follow me.” 

They walked to the kitchen, Phil following him as to not get lost. He had a big house, it wasn’t hard to get lost down all the different halls that lead to different rooms. The kitchen being the biggest and his prize possession. He loved it so much. 

Phil sat down at the breakfast bar. Dan had it custom made with marble countertops and special chairs to match the grey and white aesthetic of the room. Phil fit the aesthetic perfectly, he was dressed in all black with black hair and fair skin. He was shockingly beautiful.

Dan placed some popcorn in the microwave, and turned to lean his elbows on the counter opposite of Phil. “So, tell me about yourself.” He said, staring into the sea that was Phil’s eyes.

Phil smiled and looked back, Dan couldn’t help but smile as well. “Well, I was born and raised a few towns over, my mom and dad still live there. My older brother and his wife live in London and run a small business for youtubers who sell merch and other things online. It’s quite a cool business. I work for the BBC, I write news articles at one of the small offices here. Occasionally I do some for the daily mail as well, and I used to be a youtuber too.” His smile changed. 

“Oh? Why don’t you anymore?” Dan asked.

“I met my wife online, she had a channel too. We met up in 2006, she’s the reason I started making videos, after we started talking I fell in love with her, we met up in early 2007 for the first time here in Manchester. She lived in Ireland.” He stopped to giggle a bit. “Emily was born 9 months later.”

Dan smiled. “I had Violet on a crazy one night stand.” 

“Emily was made from pure love. I was so madly in love with that woman.” He took a deep breath, and let it out. Calming himself, “She died in October of 2009. Emily was two. We were in a car accident, her side was hit, myself and Emily were fine, but she didn’t make it. I held her hand till the ambulance got there. Emily was screaming in the backseat. It was the worst day of my life.” 

The microwave had long since beeped. Dan left it, it was probably burnt. He didn’t know what to say. “I’m so sorry Phil.” 

“It’s okay. It’s been a long time, and I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time about it. And Emily is just like her, so I still get to see her every day.” He smiled again. 

Somehow this man was wonderful. He had a good outlook on life, and how he lived it. He was already so open with Dan, and they’d know each other a few hours. “She sounds like a wonderful woman, I’m glad you had someone.”

“What about you? Where’s the one night stand at now?”

“Well, you see. She was my high school best friend, and I told her I thought I was gay when I was 16. She didn’t believe me, so we got really drunk and hooked up and I told her it wasn’t for me. Three weeks later she was at my door telling me she was pregnant. She had the baby, and left before she could even sign the birth certificate. I’ve been alone with Violet since day one, and I don’t think I’d change that, we’ve had a good life just the two of us.” 

Phil’s smile came back, “You’re a good person for keeping her, I know so many guys that would not be a single dad at sixteen, I could barely handle it at twenty two.” His eyes glistened, like tears had wanted to escape from them.

“You’re a wonderful person too.” He said, laying a hand on Phil’s. They smiled at each other.

“Popcorn?” Phil reminded him. 

“Oh shit yeah, I’ll see if the girls want some too, I’ll be right back.”

The girls, of course, wanted some, so he delivered a big bowl of popcorn to them and set up the small guest TV in their room so they could watch a movie. Phil stayed in the kitchen, making the other bowl for them. 

“Those girls are a hoot, they’re in there watching Wall-E and painting their nails.” Dan said, grabbing the popcorn bowl from Phil and walking with it to the living room, hoping Phil would follow and sure enough he did.

They sat on the couch closer to each other than Dan thought they would but he kinda liked it. “What shall we watch?” Phil asked, moving in even closer to Dan, pressing their arms together. He was slightly cold, probably from going out without his coat.

“I have netflix, is there anything you like on there?” Dan asks, “like what’s your go to movie or show?”

He looked at Dan with his lips pressed together, he looked embarrassed about what he was about to say, “I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

“That show is so old holy fuck, and it’s still your favorite?” Dan asked, gobsmacked.

Phil giggled and bit his tongue a bit, he looked cute as heck. “It’s good when I need a pick-me-up or just background noise, I don’t want to watch it now, we should watch something funny or action packed.” 

“It’s nine now,” Dan said, looking at his phone. “we can watch something actioney, and then when it’s over I’ll make sure the girls are in bed so we can watch something funny and they won’t walk out and hear something they shouldn’t.” 

“Oh, alright, we can watch both but if I fall asleep on your couch it’s your fault.” Phil spoke, and Dan remembered he hadn’t told Phil he could stay and didn’t expect him to drive home near 3am.

“Violet and Emily are sleeping in the same room tonight and we have a guest room you can stay in and we can all have breakfast tomorrow. It’ll be fun.” 

“I’d love to.”


	3. Chapter 3

The movie they picked was “Kill Bill” it was the perfect amount of action Phil had wanted. He was so into it, he made some comments and sometimes squirmed away from the gore, and he was unbelievably close to Dan. 

At first he thought Phil was just close for the popcorn access. However, as soon as the bowl was finished, and Dan had placed it on the coffee table and away from his lap, Phil was still there. Their arms were pressed side by side, Phil stayed just there. After a few minutes he settled in more, brought one foot up under his other knee and leant more onto Dan’s side of the couch. 

When the movie ended, Dan went to move and get up, the first time he moved in the 2 hours the movie was on. As terrified as he was to have a beautiful man that close, he was also so incredibly happy to have exactly that. A beautiful man, pressed up against him, being cute, and making him happy. 

“I’m going to tell the girls to go to bed, do you want to borrow some pj’s?” Dan asked as he got up. 

“Oh, yes please.” Phil smiled, standing up and following him down the hall. 

They went to Dan’s room first, it was right near the living room. Dan flicked the light on, thank god his room was clean, and his bed was half made from that morning, and there was nothing too inconspicuous on his floor. Living with a kid made him make sure his room was always tidy. 

He grabbed a pair of PJ’s from the drawer, he hated them, Phil might as well wear them. “I hope you like yellow, cause these things are ugly as hell.” he said, passing the bright pajama bottoms covered in smiley faces to Phil. 

“I love them oh my gosh, where did you get these?” Phil said, taking them from Dan and staring at the pattern. 

“My work partnered with a mental health company that was also partnered with the emoji movie. So we all got emoji swag. It’s absolutely tragic.” 

“Oh, where do you work?” Phil asked, holding the pants in his hands but looking up at Dan with kind and inquisitive eyes.

“I’m one of the counsellors at the hospital, I work through the NHS and also with Young Minds a lot, I do a lot of work here in Manchester and I do pro bono work in London sometimes.” Dan said, facing his drawer, digging around for his favorite pair of track pants. 

“We work literally a block from each other.”

Dan turned back around, trackies in hand, “yeah?” 

Phil nodded, his smile still slapped on his face. Dan smiled back at him. He was contagious. His energy was bright and inviting. He was wonderful. 

“We should get lunch sometime.” Dan offered. 

“We should.”  
-

Getting the girls to agree to go to bed was easy, they were half asleep any way. Emily was a little surprised that her dad was still over, but too tired to question it. They turned everything off, climbed into bed together, and said they wouldn’t stay up talking for too long. The giggles picked up once the door was closed, but he knew they would go to bed soon. 

Back down stairs him and Phil watched another movie, Phil let him pick this time. Dan was in a comedy mood, but he was also always in the mood for something romantic, seeing as he lacked that aspect in his life. 

“I’m a rom-com kinda guy.” Dan said, almost ashamed of it. “I don’t know why I like them so much.”

“That’s fine. I actually haven’t watched a romantic movie since my wife died.” 

“Oh, we don’t have to then! I don’t want to make you upset or anything!” Dan quickly said, worrying that Phil would be upset over it. 

“It’s fine, I like watching them with people and I’ve never really had anyone to watch it with. It’s nice to have someone around.” he smiled again. That goddamn smile was going to be Dan’s end. 

And he was so close to him, still.

“I um, I’ve probably watched all of them on Netflix already.” Dan admitted. 

“Pick your favorite one and we’ll watch that one.” Phil said, laying his hand on Dan’s knee and smiling. It was probably supposed to be a soft and kind gesture, but the feeling went right to Dan’s dick. He hadn’t felt close to another person in a long, long, long time. 

This was what he needed. He felt so alone and out of it lately. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that tonight, he would be sitting beside a beautiful man who was paying attention to him. 

“Pretty Woman is one of my favorites.”

“Pretty Woman it is then.”

He smiled watching the opening scene, remembering how he felt the first time he saw this movie. He was with his mum, she was expecting him to like the movie for the beautiful woman, but in reality it just made him realize how much he loved men even more. Richard Gere was unbelievably handsome, in a daddy sort of way. To this day he has an unfortunate daddy kink. 

The movie trekked on, Phil’s hand stayed on his leg, and Dan could swear it was getting higher and higher. He felt a soft squeeze when Julia Roberts crawled, ever so seductively, to Richards knees. Spreading them and undoing all the buttons of his shirt. It cut to his face, not showing what she was doing but they both knew. 

Dan really knew.

If he had to pick one thing he missed the most about being intimate with a man, it was sucking a dick. He missed the teasing before hand, making the man he was with all hot and bothered. He missed the noise they’d make when he first licked from base to tip only to take the whole thing in his mouth. He missed the feeling in the back of his throat and feeling full. The little tickle of pubic hair on his nose and the smell. He loved it.

By the time the movie was over, he was sexually frustrated and sad. He missed sex. He missed intimacy. He wanted to feel wanted. 

“It’s nearly one am, and there’s only the two of us.” Phil whispered in his ear. He was feeling it as well. 

Dan felt shivers run up his spine. He hadn’t felt anything like this in a long time. Sure, he’d had the random hookup in university, tinder was helpful when Violet was at her grandparents, and he had quite a lot of alone time. But nothing like this had happened in a long, long, time.

“And what did you have in mind?” Dan said, trying to match Phil’s seductive tone.

“I have one thing in mind.” He said, his voice hot on Dan’s face. He was so close to him. “Can I kiss you Dan?”

“Fuck yes.” Dan whispered, grabbing the neck of Phil’s shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. 

He felt like all the air in his body was being sucked out. But then it stopped. Phil pulled away, Dan felt terrible, thought he fucked up, but that thought only lasted long enough for Phil to get up and straddle him. 

Dan brought his hands up along Phil’s thighs, over his hips and rested them under his shirt, at his side. Phil stuck his ass out, resting his arms on Dan’s shoulders and leaning in close. Lips brushing together, hot breath on each others faces. 

“I haven’t been with a man in so long Phil.” Dan whispered into Phil’s mouth. 

“We don’t have to.” Phil said, before kissing Dan’s cheek and jaw. 

He almost forgot to speak, it felt so good to have Phil on him. “No, Phil. I want to.” then Phil bit his neck, and he choked back a moan. “So bad.”

Phil Lester was good with his mouth. And his hips. Oh, and his hands. Dan felt him everywhere. He had his mouth all over his neck. Kissing and licking and sucking. His slight stubble was rubbing along side and it felt amazing. All the hairs on his body were standing up, he felt alive, needed, wanted even.

“Tell me” Phil said, muffled in Dan’s neck. It was hot and wet on his neck, and it felt amazing. “What do you want?”

He groaned, tilting his head back even further and feeling Phil grind down on the aching hard on he had been teetering on for the last 10 minutes. “Anything.” he felt Phil smile against him. “Everything.” 

One last kiss to Dan’s neck and Phil was getting up. He looked up at the sex god standing in front of him, and watched as Phil sank down to his knees. He witnessed Phil undoing his belt, pulling it through the loops, and tossing it to the floor. 

He swallowed deeply, watching him start at the button. “Phil.” 

His eyes shot up. Still blown out in want and need, but now concerned. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Dan panicked and moved his hands to Phil’s. “I just wanted to ask if we can move this to my room, down the hall, where our kids can't walk in.”

“Oh. yeah.” Phil said, grabbing Dan’s belt and standing up.

Dan stood as well, resting his hand on Phil’s chest and looking at it. “I uh, also want to go freshen up a bit.” Dan confessed. Slightly nervous as he hadn’t done this in, again, so long.

Phil lightly grabbed his chin, pulling his face up to look him in the eyes. Eye contact seemed to be his thing.

“Okay. let’s go, and I’ll wait for you.” 

Dan leaned in and kissed him again. It was quick and soft, before taking Phil’s hand and leading him down the hall. He felt blessed knowing that his room was on the first floor, far away from Violets, which was upstairs, beside his office, on the opposite side of his house. 

He flicked his light on, with Phil behind him for the second time that night. Only this time he dimmed it, using the little round dial, setting the mood. 

Phil walked in, making himself comfortable on the bed. “Want me completely naked or do you want to help with that part?” he said, turning to be on his side, oddly resembling Kate Winslet. 

“Completely naked.”

With that, Phil sat up. “I like your thinking.” he said, removing his shirt. 

“One more thing.”

Phil hummed in response, looking up from his crotch where he was undoing his belt.

“Can I bottom? I don’t know your preference but I kinda love and miss bottoming.” He said, full courage, taking control of what he wanted. It was something he did when he was comfortable in the bedroom. 

“I mean if you want? Some guys don’t like bottoming from me cause I’m, kinda, like,” he shrugged and scrunched his face while using his hands to show, what Dan read as, big. 

He let out a mix of a sigh of relief and a moan. “Oh. Fuck.” Phil didn’t need to know now, but, he was a bit of a size queen. 

Phil’s one eyebrow raised at Dan’s response. “Does that interest you?”

Dan nodded. Not wanting to show how much it interested him. He backed up, towards the bathroom door, watching Phil take his jeans off and drop them off the bed, beside his shirt. To leave him only in his pants. Sexy, grey calvins, with a drool worthy bulge in it. 

“Go do what you need to do. I’ll wait here, but if you take too long I will start without you.” Phil’s deep voice ran right through him, practically pushing him through the door.

He closed the bathroom door behind him and rested against it, leaning his head back against the wood, he was breathing deeply. Somehow, through some act of whatever god there was, he was about to have sex. He was thrilled, exhilarated, and absolutely scared shitless.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a reward for hitting 1000 reads i've given you guys a monday update!!!! hope you like it ;)

Maybe he wasn’t scared, he felt quite safe actually, but he was nervous. Incredibly nervous at that. He wanted this to be amazing, he wanted Phil to enjoy it and he wanted it to last a while. 

He quickly took all this clothes off, not bothering to stare at himself in the mirror, knowing he’d just end up wanting to back out if he saw something he didn’t like about himself. He reached under the sink and grabbed his black zippered bag, where he stored a douche and some other prepping equipment. 

He turned his shower on, leaving the tap at the bottom running till it got warm. He filled his douche and put the top back on it, lubing the edge and stepping into the shower. He did what he had to to, making sure he was clean, maybe a little too clean. He was already clean shaven, he liked to stay hairless for himself, and now he was clean there too. 

He wiped himself down with a fluffy towel and wrapped it around his waist. He put all this things away and took a deep breath and walked out into the room, to find Phil lying on his stomach, leant over the bed, looking in Dan’s side table. 

Dan cleared his throat to get Phil’s attention. To which Phil’s eyes shot up, scared and in the wrong. “What are you looking for?” 

“Um, stuff.” was Phil’s answer. 

Dan laughed. “My stuff isn’t there, where my kid could find it.” He walked to his dresser, and pulled on what looked like the trim of the top, to reveal a secret drawer. He turned his head back to Phil who was gobsmacked.

Dan picked out his favorite lube, and threw it at Phil. He didn’t catch it, it smacked his chest while his hands clapped together a second too late. Together they laughed at the sight. 

“Anything else you want?” Dan asked once they stopped laughing.

Phil got off the bed to look in the drawer too, “What do you have?” He asked, only to see an array of dildos, vibrators, pumps, and plugs. 

“Oh wow.” he said with an impressed look on his face. “I think I’m good on my own but next time all this could be fun.” 

“Next time? We have to finish this first.” 

“What are we waiting for then?” Phil said, reaching out to place his hands on Dan’s hips and bring him closer.

He kissed Dan again before dropping his hands down lower and letting the towel, that was keeping Dan’s modesty, drop to the floor. He was completely exposed, very aroused and slightly nervous. 

Dan pulled away for a second, still wrapped up in Phil. “What do you like?” 

“You’re so cute to ask.” Phil said before kissing him some more, moving to go down Dan’s jaw and then his neck.

“I’m serious, I want this to be good.” 

“It will be” Phil’s deep voice vibrated against his neck.

Dan moaned in response, “Like, I know for fucking sure I love people kissing my neck, just don’t leave any marks above where my collar would be.” and with that Phil was nipping and lightly sucking at his neck.

Dan started to walk, pushing Phil backwards towards the bed. Once the back of his knees hit the bed Dan pushed him back. “Let me lock the door, get on the bed.”

“Bossy bottom.” 

Dan switched the lock with a loud click and turned dramatically. “You love it.”

“I’d love it more if you were on top of me bossing me around.” 

Without another word Dan was crawling on to the bed, getting himself settled on top of one of Phil’s thighs. Making sure he had a leg between Phils for grinding down and driving him wild. He laid his chest against Phil’s, and pressed his weight on him. 

“For the record.” Phil said lightly, moving his hands to grip Dan’s buttcheeks, “I could make out and grind with you for hours. But I also like blowjobs, cause who doesn’t? I will eat you out if you ask nicely, and my nipples are very sensitive.” 

Dan moved his body down a bit, looking Phil in the eyes still but going to lick over Phil’s right nipple. “Good to-” as he licked Phil threw his head back against the pillows, “know.”

He continued to suck his nipple lightly, before kissing his way back up to Phil’s mouth, finally getting to suck on his adam's apple like he had been dying to. The groans and moans falling from Phil’s beautiful mouth were some of the best noises he’d ever heard in his lifetime. 

When he made it back to Phil’s mouth, he left a hot, open mouthed kiss on him. Feeling Phil start to grip and tug on his cheeks and pushing his hips down onto his own. He didn’t realise how hard he was until he was feeling Phil’s against him. It was a fucking blessing to have such a well-endowed man under him who was just as hard. 

He was holding himself up with one arm and moved his other to cup the nape of Phil’s neck behind the pillow to kiss him harder. The inside of Phil’s mouth was soft and wet and hot, something he’d missed. The making out was almost as erotic as actual sex could be. He felt Phil everywhere. It was lovely.

Phil moved to kiss Dan’s cheek and ear, allowing Dan to use his open mouth to moan and tell him how good Phil felt. “Ugh, let me suck you.” 

Phil answered by placing his hand on top of Dan’s head and pushing him down towards his cock. Dan kissed his chest as he went down, letting his top lip drag a bit on Phil’s skin. He made sure to kiss Phils cute, small little tummy, and his abdomen. He kissed both of his hip bones, and the tip of his cock before licking it from base to tip. Staring him in his glossy eyes the whole time.

“This is my specialty.” He said before taking his cock down his throat in one go and feeling Phil grip his curly locks a bit too tight, but it felt good. 

He hollowed out his cheeks as he sucked back up to the tip, leaving his lips together and gliding them down to the base and licking back up to start it all over again. Swirling his tongue at random times and flicking his slit to really drive him crazy. 

“Sweet fucking christ” Phil half shouted, trying his hardest to stay moderately quiet, but almost failing miserably when the tip hit the back on Dan’s throat. 

Dan popped off, with a wet audible noise. Moving back up Phil’s body. “Told you.”

Phil kissed him again, strong and hard, breathing in through his nose as he did so. It felt like he was sucking the soul out of Dan. “I’m surprised with a skill like that no one’s fallen in love with you on the spot.”

He felt the nerves come back, his heart falling to his stomach. “Are you falling in love with my dick sucking skills Lester?” He said before catching himself. 

“I might be. Let me show you a skill that will make you fall in love with me.” Phil said, sitting up with Dan in his lap and lying him down on the bed so he was between Dan’s legs. 

He went back to kissing, nipping and sucking at Dan’s neck. Slowly making his way down him the same way Dan did. Kissing all the same spots, leaving a hickey on his hips, matching ones on each side. Dan’s legs were already spread, all Phil had to do was scooch down a bit, to get in at his thighs. Littering them with purple and red marks. It felt like heaven having someone pay this much attention to him. He could fall in love with him from this alone, not even what Phil had planned. 

He watched as Phil spread his ass cheeks and marveld as him. He was staring so contently at him, he felt a rush of arousal and self doubt. 

“You’re so beautiful” Phil said, running a finger over Dan’s hole, watching it pucker in response. “So pretty and pink. Blossoming like a flower for me.”

He felt like he was the luckiest guy on the earth, being so carefully treated. And with that thought, Phil was licking a stripe, nice and slow, over his hole. Dan felt his whole body jerk into it, it had been a while since this had happened. “Oh my, do you like that?” 

“Holy fuck Phil.”

“Good.” was the last thing he said before attacking him with his tongue. Using his nose to rub against Dan’s perineum and his hands were gripping Dan’s cheeks so firmly. He moaned into it, sending vibrations through him. 

“Pass the lube?” Phil asked, and Dan remembered he threw it at him, leaving it at the base of the bed, where Dan’s head now was. He debated throwing it at him again, but didn’t, he just smiled at the thought.

“Did you bring a condom over too?” 

“Fuck.” Dan said, throwing his head back against the bed. “No,”

“It’s okay, I can go grab one. Is it in your drawer?” Phil offered, sitting up again. 

“No I don’t have any. It’s been a long ass time.” 

“Oh.” Phil’s demeanor changed, his shoulders dropped in what looked like disappointment. 

“Fuck, but I’m clean like I got checked in December at my work and I haven’t been with anyone since, and if you’re clean too like it’s totally fine.” He rambled, making it more obvious that he really wanted this. 

“I’m clean too, was checked last month. I go after every hookup, even though I use condoms every time. And I’m not like a serial hookup-er or anything I’ve only had sex 4 times in the last 2 years.” Phil rambled right back. 

“So, we’re doing this still?” Dan asked. Severely hoping that the answer was yes. 

“If you are okay with me going in all-natural then yeah, I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable or anything and I’ll pull out if you want like just say the word and we’ll start back up again.”

“Do it, don’t pull out though.” He said in full confidence. 

Phil smirked. “You’re a kinky fucker. First your size kink and now this?”

“Just get back to it Lester.” 

Phil uncapped the lube, throwing it at Dan, in revenge. Watching as Dan flinched and swatted it away. He watched as Phil pumped 2 pumps of the Durex passion cherry lube onto his fingers and dropped the bottle. He rubbed it into his three fingers, warming it up and taking a whiff.

“This shit smells fucking amazing.” he said before running his fingers over Dan’s hole and slowly placing one at the entrance. 

“It’s my favorite one.” 

“Is that why it’s almost empty? Or is that because you’re a horny fucker?” Phil asked, pushing the finger in deeper. Curling it a bit, looking for his prostate right from the beginning. 

Even in the midst of pleasure he felt the need to be a sassy shit, “I don’t need you, I can do this alone if you’d prefer?”

“Hmmm, maybe next time.” Phil said before sliding in a second finger, angeling it to hit Dan’s prostate dead on. It send shivers through his body, he twitched a little, sending his head back and opening his mouth in a silent moan. 

A third finger brought stars and squiggly lines in behind his closed eyelids. The intense pleasure from his three, long and slender fingers made him feel like he was floating. It’s like he’s never experienced this type of pleasure in his whole life. Definitely, not from any of his hookups and never from himself.

“You ready?” he asked Dan, his voice low and soft. Caring and affectionate. 

He was still nervous, and his thinking in the background wasn’t helping. He’d never slept with anyone but himself in this bed, he’s never felt this loved in his bed, where he was normally alone

He nodded, feeling the pressure from his nerves sending blood to his cheeks. He was blushing, probably really intensely, as Phil smiled at him with a soft smile that read “Wow that’s cute.” 

Phil spread a nice layer of lube over his length, it had been a while since he or Dan had touched him. Phil bit his lip while he worked it over himself, warming it and getting ready. He got closer to Dan, placed the tip at his rim and looked down at him for one last look of approval. 

“Go slow.” came runsing from Dan’s mouth. It hadn’t been too long since something had been in him, but he was still worried. 

Phil reached up and placed his hands over Dan’s, he grabbed it, flipped it over and interlocked his fingers with his. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m okay. You?”

“Come here.” Phil said pulling him forward so he’d be sitting in front of him. His legs still open around Phil’s kneeling ones. “It’s been a long time for me too.” 

Dan kissed him in response, soft and sweet. Pulling away, “Lie back.” he whispered close to Phil’s lips. 

He did. He moved back and placed his head against a pillow, while Dan climbed on top of him. He reached behind himself, where Phil’s cock was, and took it in his hand, angling it to his entrance and slipping it in. it felt natural, and like he’d done it a million times. 

Phil groaned at the feeling. Dan watched his face as he took all of him, tightening around him, feeling his inside him deeper than anything he’d had before. Once he bottomed out he leaned towards Phil to kiss him again. 

“You feel so good.” Phil said, inches from Dan’s mouth. 

Dan rocked his hips before kissing him. “Is that so?” 

“Fuck” Phil moaned, gripping Dan’s hips and trying to get him to move some more. 

Dan obliged. Riding Phil with a purpose now. His elbows above Phil’s shoulders, hands in his hair, and Phil’s mouth on his neck. It was the perfect angle for Phil to hit his prostate dead on, each thrust bringing waves of pleasure more intense and amazing than the one before it. 

Phil’s breathy moans against his wet, spit soaked neck felt like lightning and thunder on his skin. His nerve endings were on fire, the vibration from the talking were shaking through him. He’d never, ever felt this good with anyone. 

“Close.” Was the first real word that came out of Phil’s mouth. It seemed quite quick, but Dan felt it too. The hot pooling in his stomach, the feeling he chased so often was back, stronger and more potent than ever.

“Harder. Please.” Was all Dan could reply with, knowing that he was close, doing what he normally did when he got off, rushing the orgasm through intense, fast pleasure. 

He felt Phil lift his feet to bend at his knees, he gripped Dan’s waist and flipped them. Without missing a beat he was fucking into Dan with more power than he’d ever experienced. Strong long thrusts, smashing into his spot, he threw his hand over his mouth, trying not to scream the most whorish moans he could produce. Instead he whisper screamed, a high pitched yet quiet string of curse words and Phil’s name. 

Phil went back to attacking Dan’s neck, squeezing their bodys tightly togehter. Dan’s hands clawing at Phil’s back, most likely leaving red scratch marks, as the noises of both pleasure and pain surrounded his neck between kisses. With each thrust, Phil was grinding his stomach against Dan’s cock, sending another different form of pleasure through him. 

Dan came without a warning, just high pitched whines. His whole body convulsed. He threw himself upwords into Phil, gripping him tighter, holding him closer than before, if that were even possible. 

“I’m- I’m come” he groaned into Dan’s neck, “ing”. Dan felt the hot thick ropes of come inside of himself, as Phil fucked Dan through his orgasm. Some of it coming out with Phil in each thrust. 

Dans heart was in his mouth, he felt his neck and his brain pumping all the blood back through his body. His ears were hot, the sound of Phil’s breath on his neck mixed with the sound of his veins working were too intense. Phil slipped out, Dan felt his cock, wet, and resting against his leg, while Phil stayed pressed to him.

Eventually Phil picked himself up a bit, laying all his pressure on his elbows as he looked into Dan’s eyes once again. It had been a while since he’d seen the intense blue staring back at him. 

“Hi.” was all he said. 

Dan couldn’t help but giggle and smile. “Hi.” 

“That was,” 

“Hot as fuck?” Dan cut him off.

“Yes.” Phil said, before kissing him again. Their lips pressed together, both of them breathing in long breaths as they did so. It felt special. 

He felt special.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil stayed cuddled into Dan’s side, half on top of him, running the pads of his fingers along Dan’s chest while they caught their breath and calmed down. It was wonderful and different to every other time he’d had sex with someone. He was used to sex being quick, shameful and forgotten. He was used to the person getting up, changing and running away. Every single one but Phil. 

He looked down at Phil’s body tangled in with his, looking at Phil’s sweaty and slicked back hair, his own cum stained chest, imagining how gross the sheets were and how much grosser he probably looked where he couldn’t see, “Do you want to shower?” Dan finally spoke. 

“Yeah.” Phil replied, taking Dan’s hand in his and getting off the bed, pulling Dan up and to the edge with him. 

Phil looked so amazing standing in front of him, hair all fucked up from the sex and his body glistening. The sheen of sweat on his body, the lip bite, his hickies on his chest, and boy was he ever a sight to be seen. He was still holding Dan’s hand, staring down at him and smiling. Dan pulled on his hand, pulling him in closer and kissing him one last time before standing up. 

Thank god he put everything away before, regardless of how understanding and wonderful Phil seemed, he didn’t want to gross him out with his cleaning products. Sure, Phil probably had his own, but Dan was still so anxious of him seeing that.

In his bathroom, he had a double shower, 2 sinks with matching mirrors and a giant tub. He bought a house for a married couple with a family, for the size and the elegance and was stuck with the reminder that he was lonely. Nonetheless, he loved his bathroom and wouldn’t change it. He had so much space for things, and he loved things. Growing up with not much turned him into a somewhat materialistic bitch.

“This bathtub is fucking huge!” Phil said turning to Dan, eyes wide like he was a kid in a candy store, desperately wanting something from his parent. 

“You can have a bath while I shower?” Dan offered.

Phil looked exstatic, “Only if you join me when your done?” 

“I’d love to.” 

While the bath water was running, Dan picked a mood lighting and a song on the “wallpad” as he called it. It was an iPad attached to the wall that controlled the room. He had a few around the house, like in the kitchen and living room. He picked sunset, so the lights would slowly dim over the next hour and a half, giving the room an almost pink tint at the end, he loved it.

He played his relaxing bath playlist, it was a lot of instrumentals, interludes and soft ballads from his favorite movies and video games. The occasional sexy rap song was mixed in to make himself feel better when he had his sad baths alone, but not today.

“I have bath bombs, salts and melts in the bowls there on the shelf, if you want one?” 

“Holy crap this is the best day of my life.” Phil said, getting onto his tippy toes a bit to get a better look at his options, making his butt look amazing

‘Best day of mine too,’ Dan thought, trying to hide his smile that made the little dimple on his cheek concave. “Okay I’m getting a shower, I’ll be out in a sec.” 

In the shower, he could slightly see Phil plopping a blue bath bomb in the water with a tiny bit of a pink bubble bar. The boy knew how to treat himself. He was happy and excited with Phil around, something he didn’t feel often around other people. 

He cleaned as quick as he could, getting out and seeing Phil lying back in the tub with a hand towel over his eyes. He looked so peaceful. “Can I come in now?” 

Phil brought his head forward, letting the towel fall off onto his chest. “Yes get in here.” he said while spreading his legs and gesturing for Dan to climb in the middle. So he did.

He stepped in, sitting down and leaning his back against him. Phil wrapped his arms and legs around him, resting his chin on Dan’s shoulder. “I really like being around you.” He whispered into Dan’s ear.

“I loved being with you. I haven’t felt this wonderful in a long time.” Dan said back, letting the lateness of the night take his honesty right from him. 

“Tell me more about yourself. I want to know more about the wonderful, handsome Dan Howell.” he spoke softly, deep and mesmerizing. He ran his fingers along Dan’s chest, spreading the water over him. 

“What would you like to know?”

“Everything.” 

So he told him everything with Phil rubbing a bar of soap over his chest and arms, lathering him up and washing it off repeatedly. He’s never felt so clean and so dirty at the same time, being cleaned but sitting between Phil’s legs, both of them wrapped around his waist holding him in place like in the movie they had watched a few hours ago. He smiled, knowing Phil was doing this because he had expressed his love for Pretty Woman and Phil remembered.

“My mother is a massage therapist, my father makes fake snow for movies. And my younger brother is now a photographer. You can tell who spent time with who just by those three facts. I was always with my mother, always watching movies and shows with her, going to the store, reading with her, it was wonderful. My dad was always busy. Then when I was six and they had Adrian, and he took after my dad loving that whole world of capturing beauty in the world. However he’s a little shit head who’s kind of pretentious but I guess that’s normal to think when you’re that much older than a sibling. 

“Adrian was 10 when Violet was born, and he was kind enough to move out of my bedroom and into a tiny closet sized room that was once Mum’s office so I could keep her in my room with me. I was lucky to have so much support from my parents, and Sara’s parents gave me some money to help each month til she was 5. By then I was on my own, here in Manchester. I was still in school, so was she at that point. I’ve had it pretty easy with her.”

“She’s lucky to have you.” Phil whispered again, sending shivers up his arms.

“Emily’s lucky to have you.”

“Does she know about her mum?” he asked, and Dan’s heart fell to his stomach.

“She does. I only told her the full story tonight.” he said, breaking into a smile, “because your kid said that you’d think I was cute. And Violet thought I didn’t like men, but I really, really like men.”

“I’m just going to drown myself.” Phil said, slipping down under the water a little more, taking Dan with him.

“Come on, it’s fine I know I’m cute.”

“Ugh” he groaned, long and drawn out, this time in embarrassment rather than sexual frustration. “She’s seen two of my partners, I guess she’s picked up on my type.”

“Which is?”

“Cute, strong, brown curly hair, dimples like craters and a body to die for. But one thing you have that the others didn’t is that you’re kind as heck with a wonderful outlook on life and you understand what having a kid is like.”

“As much as I love her it’s so fucking hard being a single dad.” Dan confessed. He hadn’t said those words since his first therapy session, when Violet was 3. When shit got bad. 

“But you’re doing it, she’s eleven and healthy and happy, so I commend you.” 

Dan sat up and rolled around, so that he was on his stomach and pressed against Phils. He bit his tongue, staring up at Phil. somehow he was wonderful without even trying, he knew what to say and how to say it. He treated Dan like no one had before, he seemed to really care about Dan. He was someone who could change his world and that scared him. And it scared him because the only person who changed his world and had stayed so far was Violet, and one day she’d be gone too. 

He took a deep breath and spilled his guts out. “I’m scared that you’re going to treat me so wonderfully and then run away and not talk to me after tonight because that always happens to me.”

Phil cupped Dan’s face with his wet hands, they felt pruny, they had been in the bath for far too long. “I’m going to be honest. I’ve only felt this type of connection that led me to having a sex so early once before. And I married her. So don’t expect me to leave so soon. And you better not leave me either.”

Dan couldn’t help but kiss him. “How did this happen so fast?” 

“The universe works in strange ways.” Phil said, taking a second to smile, “Everything it’s done so far has gotten me to here, and I think it’s for the best.”

“I’ve never been one to believe in fate or soulmates or magic, but I think you can change my mind.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SUPRISE! thursday update because i really love this fic and i want to post it!!
> 
> there are mentions of drug addictions and eating disorders, postpartum depression and PTSD. it's not focused on a lot but it can still be triggering. please be safe reading it if those things effect you <3
> 
> i love you guys so much! thank you for all the love on this fic i really appreciate it! if you have any thing to say about it or want to know about updates and things i'm doing follow my tumbr emilysshook or my twitter deathielhowell!

The sunset was close to ending, the room was dim and it smelled of lavender and lemon. The bubbles had all left the water, leaving them in a blue, seaweed filled tub. There must have been salt in the bomb as well, as his limbs started to feel like jello and the lavender made him want to sleep. 

“Lets go to bed.” Phil suggested, kissing his shoulder. 

Dan nodded in agreement, carefully getting himself out of the tub in the dark. Trying his damndest not to step on any part of Phil as well as not slipping and cracking his head open on the marble flooring. 

He grabbed two more towels from the cabinet, wrapping one around himself and waiting for Phil to step out. Once he did, Dan wrapped the towel around him, pulling him in close and kissing him once more. 

Phil sat on the edge of the tub, while Dan dug through the cabinet once more, looking for a new set of sheets for his bed. He grabbed some white ones and walked back into his room.

He threw them on the ottoman at the end of his bed, threw his towel on the floor and shimmied on a pair of underwear. Tearing the old sheets off his bed in one go, putting them in his hamper and replacing them with crisp new ones. He fluffed the pillows and placed his discarded duvet back on the bed. 

The whole while Phil was stood against the doorframe of the bathroom, watching. A smile on his face, his hair wet and out of the way. His chest on show, the small bit of hair following his navel to the towel looked soft, and all Dan wanted to do was to get his hands back on him. 

“Want something to wear?” Dan offered, but not really wanting to clothe him. 

“I normally sleep in a shirt and loose bottoms, if you have any?” 

He looked around the floor and found the bottoms that Phil had worn for what felt like 5 minutes, and a plain white shirt from his drawer. He placed them on the bed, on the side he normally didn’t sleep on. Expecting Phil to climb in when he was done putting them on, only to see Phil walking to the door, “Where’s that guest room you talked about?”

“Oh.” 

“Unless you want me to stay?” He said walking back to the bed and sat on the edge, “I can just get up before the girls get up and pretend I slept on the couch? I just don’t know if I’m ready for Em to know I slept with her best friend’s Dad.”

Dan reached over the bed, placing his hand on Phil’s, “No I get it, I don’t think I want Vy knowing yet either.” 

“Get under the covers I’m getting in.” Was the last thing Phil said that night. 

Dan lied down, watching Phil get in, before turning the room lights off through the app on his phone. The same one that powered the rest of the house. He placed it back on his night table. 

Phil was facing away from him, Dan was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling before Phil’s hand reached around to find Dan’s and pull him over. Dan cuddled into Phil’s back. They oddly fit together perfectly. It was like Phil was that last puzzle piece that slipped into his life making it complete. 

He threw his arm over Phil where his hand was taken by the other man. Their hands interlocked, their breathing matched, he kissed Phil’s shoulder once he heard him snoring. He was content pressed up against the most handsome man he’d ever laid eyes on. He smelled like lavender and home. 

Somehow, he woke up that day feeling lonely, alone and hopeless only to have that all replaced 20 hours later with a feeling of contentment and something he thought felt close to love. 

-

As the sleep drifted from his body, he realized he was alone. That the spot his arm was stretched over was now just a cold pillow and not a beautiful man. He threw his arm over his eyes, groaning at the sunlight that was hitting his white walls and glistening over the mostly empty room. 

He finally sat up, rubbed his eyes and looked around. Small rainbows flickered onto the bleached hardwood, his white sheets crumpled at his feet, pushed off from how hot he gets at night. The smell of lavender and lemon still hiding in his pillows and drifting from the bathroom. 

It must have been around 10am, he wondered how long Phil’s been gone, and why he didn’t say anything when he left. He ran a hand through his hair, it was still slightly damp under all the curls. He let his hand run down his face, remembering how amazing it felt to have Phil’s breath on his ear and his lips on his. He traced his neck, shivering at the memory of all that went on there, down to his collarbone and the graveyard of passed kisses that were now love bites on his chest. 

He wrapped his arms around himself, in a faux hug that wasn’t nearly as good as being wrapped up in Phil’s arms with a cock shoved deep in him. He let out a huff of breath, and tumbled back into his pillows. Last night was something he always dreamed about, it was so new to him and yet he already missed it. 

He now had something to relate to when his clients talked about addictions. How good the high was, feeling wonderful and wanting to live in it for as long as possible. Phil Lester was like a drug and Dan wouldn’t mind taking another hit. 

Before he can even process anything else, there’s a knock at his door. “One second!” he calls out, getting up and pulling on the first shirt he can find.

“Hey, it’s just me.” Phil says, walking in and closing the door. 

Dan can’t help but smile as soon as he sees him. “Hey.”

“The girls are up, I hope you don’t mind I made them pancakes, and there's enough batter if you want to come have some with me?” Phil said with a sweet smile. 

Dan walked up to him and wrapped his arms around him. “Thank you.”

Phil hugged him back, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder, “I had a really wonderful night last night.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and I’d love to see you as often as I can.” he whispered in Dan’s ear.

“Good cause I want to see you all the time now.”

They hugged for a while, just standing in Dan’s room holding one another in a tight embrace. Dan took a minute to just breathe Phil in. To remember what it feels like to be needed and wanted, not knowing when he’ll have time to do this again. 

Phil let go first, taking a pair of track pants off of Dan’s clean clothes pile in the corner, and handing them to him. “Come eat with me, beautiful.”

Dan sits in the kitchen silently while Phil flips pancakes. It’s weird to watch someone cook in his house that isn’t him or Violet. “Are we moving too fast? I’m afraid we’re jumping into something when we don’t know each other that well.” Dan spits out, fast and without control. “Like we’ve known each other for not even a full day and we’ve already, you know, done it and I feel like i’m getting attached so fast.”

“Yes.” 

Dan just stares at him with a puzzled face, beyond confused at the one word answer, he opens his mouth to speak again, only to be cut off.

“But doesn’t it feel right? I rushed it with my wife, it was wonderful. But after her I was scared to love and I ran through partners because they felt like I wasn’t attached to them enough, I never let myself feel. I’m tired of blocking my feelings cause i’m scared. I like you so I’m going to like you.”

“Have you ever been to counselling? Cause that’s the type of growth I’ve only seen in clients who’ve worked with me to identify their flaws for years.” Dan asked, realizing it might have been a big question. 

“No,” Phil said, turning his back away and towards the frying pan once more. “you’ll think I’m crazy if I tell you how I came to this decision.”

Dan had heard that same phrase from widowed people a hundred times. They always thought they were crazy, all because their loved one came back to them to tell them to move on. It always happens when they’re ready to move on. The subconscious mind works in wonderful ways in dreams, telling you what you need to think in a way that helps you. It’s the same way a drug addict dreams of dying before they come to the decision to stop, or how a eating disorder sufferer see themselves from an outsider perspective to finally understand how unhealthy they are being to their bodies. 

“She came to you in a dream didn’t she.”

Phil whips his head around, “How did you?”

“It’s not uncommon to dream about loved ones leading you down the right path.”

“She’d like you if she knew you.”

-

He made sure to kiss Phil one last time before they called the girls to bring Emily’s things downstairs. Phil was dressed in the clothes he came in, the teddy bear was back under his arm, this time Emily’s bag was slung over the other shoulder. He was leaving.

“I’ll miss you so much” Violet said, hugging Emily tightly in the doorway. 

The two dad’s just stared at each other, feeling the same way but not being able to say it. “It was lovely to meet you Dan.”

“You as well Phil.” he said with a smile. “I hope you had a wonderful time Emily, you’re always welcome back.”

“Thank you, Dan.” She said, giving him a quick hug too.

Soon enough they were off. Both he and violet walked Phil and Emily to their car, a big black suburban that was sat in his driveway. It was nice to see his two car drive finally full. He wished it could stay that way forever. 

They waved them goodbye as he pulled out, and Phil honked once as they drove down the street. And then he was gone. 

“Dad?” 

Dan humed back in response, still staring down the road Phil drove down. “Yes hunny?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing, lets head inside.” Dan took her by the hand and led her up the stairs, back into their house. 

Violet ran off to her room to clean up from her sleepover. Bringing down her empty bowl of popcorn, she’d picked up on his eating curnles habit that he wished she never knew about. All their juice boxes they drank and about a million candy wrappers. She made sure her room was spotless, while Dan did all the dishes from the their wild night.

“I have laundry to do if you want to bring your bed sheets down as well.” Dan shouted from the kitchen, remembering the mess he still had to clean from his own sleepover. 

Within a few minutes violet had all her laundry in the laundry room, she said she was done cleaning and was going to watch a movie while the tv was still in her room. 

He finished the dishes, wiped his wet hands on the sides of his track pants and took a deep breath. He felt shaky and anxious. He felt like a bad day was coming again. Somehow, the best night of his life, was going to turn into the first episode he’d had in weeks. 

He knew what he had to do. He had to talk to someone, tell someone what happened and move it all from in his head to out in the open. He took all his things to the laundry room and called his friend Louise.

He met her at the YouTube space sometime last year when he started working with Young Minds and the two of them hit it off quite well. She was pregnant at the time, and they both made some terrible jokes about depression and themselves, ultimately bonding over how incredibly awkward they were in social settings. 

From following each other on twitter, to talking almost everyday Louise had become his best friend in a matter of 3 months, and their kids were quite fond of each other as well. Her oldest, Darcy, thought of Vy as a big sister, and it warmed Dan’s heart to see them growing up together. 

The phone rang 3 times, then “Hello dear.” with the sound of a crying baby came through the line. 

“Hi, how’s things?”

“Oh fine, Pearl wont sleep and it was supposed to be a nanny day but she canceled and I had to get Darcy from school yesterday cause she sicked everywehre, Matt’ll be here for her later, it’s his week. Oh, and Liam’s working late so you know, I’m doing wonderful.” she said, the sound of exhaustion on her voice. 

“I had sex last night.” he whispers, knowing he should probably address her problems but feeling too overwhelmed.

“Holy shit one second, let me get the kids situated and I’ll run to the other room so we can talk.” 

He hears her ask Darcy if she’s okay, followed by a small voice saying yes and what sounds like let it go playing in the background. Then he hears her shushing Pearl and her walking up stairs. 

“Pearls in her cot, tell me everything.”

“Well, Violet had a friend over and she got her period and we didn’t have pads so we called her parents, who is a hot single dad and he brought her everything and we got to talking in the kitchen and then watched a movie then we had sex.” 

“Back it up. You slept with this girls father while both your kids were in the house?” 

“Yes!” he yells, “i’m freaking the fuck out cause it was amazing and we talked a lot before and after and he’s so kind and wonderful and I think I’m falling in love with him.”

“What’s his name, I want to facebook stalk him?” 

“Phil Lester.” he says, reluctantly. He hadn’t even facebook stalked him yet.

After a few seconds of silence, Louise makes a shocked sound, “holy fuck!”

“Hot, I know.”

“No, I know him!” she replies quickly.

“What?” 

“He used to be a youtuber, I followed his wife, she was one of the people who inspired me to start youtube instead of just blogging.” She explained, he could hear her tapping on her phone, probably still looking at his facebook. “She was lovely, I miss Iris.”

He feels somewhat terrible, he’s never been in love. Not true love, the kind that makes you want to get married and spend the rest of your life with someone. He can’t help but place his hands over his face and feel sad for Phil, for losing who everyone thought was a wonderful woman.

“This morning he told me that he had a dream that she told him it was time to move on and that she would have liked me.”

“Honestly, she would. You two are somewhat similar, she was an activist for mental health after her postpartum depression, I started watching her because of my PTSD after Darcy. She seemed like a wonderful woman. I never met her, she passed before I even had Darcy. But all her videos are still online. Phil mustent of been able to take them down.” 

He felt himself start to get emotional. He hardly ever cried, but it just hit him hard knowing there was a wonderful family that was ruined. “What was her name?” he asked, wanting to look her up himself and see the woman whose husband he slept with.

“Is it a good idea to look her up? Will you be okay?” Louise asked, knowing the thoughts that kept him up at night, the ones that compare him to other people, the ones that make him look things up till it’s 5am and the sun is up. 

He finally cries. “I slept with her husband.”

“Dan hun, if I passed away, and 9 years passes, I’d want Liam to find someone to make him happy. I’d never want him to be alone. I want someone to love him. Iris would want someone to take care of him.”

He couldn’t stop crying, in his goddamn laundry room. He felt something for Phil, something strong that made him feel for his loss, knowing how terrible it is to be alone, but not wanting to imagine having someone, and losing it. Raising a kid alone was hard as fucking hell, losing a spouse and raising a kid would have been worse. He cried over the pain that must still be in Phil’s heart. Having known him only a day, seeing how truly kind and wonderful he is and wanting to keep him safe and happy forever.

“Do you think you and him are going to be more than a one night stand?” Louise asked, somewhat changing the topic. 

Dan nodded, knowing full well she couldn’t see him. “We were talking about how we both felt a weird connection and he wants to see me as much as he can. He said he’s not felt like this since he met her.”

“Don’t rush it, but don’t go too slow now either.” she spoke calmly, telling him what she knew he needed to hear, having had lots of experience with men in the last 5 years. “Text him back when he texts you, but don’t make him the most important thing to you right now. I know you, I know how you love things quick, I don’t want to watch you get attached too fast and scare him or yourself. He might be good for you.”

He nodded again, the tears still wet on his face, the panic still real in his chest. “Okay.” 

“And call Shannon, make an appointment. She’ll be good to talk too, she knows more about how things affect you than I do.” 

He took a deep breath, calming down with her words of support. “Thank you Lou, I needed to get this out before I freaked out.”

“Was it good though?” she asked, and he could her her snicker. 

He half moaned, leaning his head back. “Oh god, it was like 2 hours of us just figuring out what we liked and having fun, it didn’t feel like a first time at all! He was so reassuring to me, making sure I was okay and wanting me to have a good time. And I’m covered in love bites, like it’s bad but coverable. I feel so good.”

“I’m happy for you, you deserve some love.”

She was right. He did deserve love, and the loving he received from Phil the night before was unlike any loving he’d ever had. It was tender and sweet, but rough and fun, and Phil cared. He felt treated, he felt wanted, he felt accomplished. It wasn’t a one night stand, it was something that was meant to happen. 

“I guess I can thank mother nature for this.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i've given up on a schedule and i'm just going to be posting as i want too

Dan woke up Sunday morning to Violet coming in and climbing into bed with him, she was still a cuddler even at eleven. She got under the covers and cuddled right into Dan’s side. he wore a shirt to bed, which was unusual for him, but he knew she’d come in and he didn’t want her to see the love bites that had gotten even worse as the days went on. 

“Good morning beautiful. How are you?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her lightly, sleep still leaving his body. 

“Good. I miss Emily, it was nice having a friend sleeping in my bed, I like cuddling.” she admitted, the honesty between them was one of his favorite aspects of their relationship. 

He snuggled into her even more, knowing what she meant, he missed Emily’s dad. “You two have a lovely friendship.”

“She’s going to be my best friend for the rest of my life.”

“I hope so.”

They cuddled for a few minutes, not saying anything. The difference of waking up yesterday with a beautiful man making him breakfast and today with his own kid was crazy. He still didn’t believe it. 

Phil hadn’t talked to him since he left, which normally would make him worry if he was interested in someone, but he knew what it was like to have a child and a job and sometimes there was no time to send someone a text message, and he didn’t want to bug him. 

He rolled over to grab his phone and saw a text from Phil that arrived 16 minutes beforehand.

From: Dad Phil   
To: Dan  
Hey, sorry I never messaged you yesterday, we went to my mums house for tea and ended up being there all night.

From: Dan  
To: Dad Phil  
That’s fine, I spent yesterday doing laundry and cleaning up the house, nothing too exciting. How are you?

“Let’s go out and get some breakfast, we deserve a treat.” Dan said, rubbing his hand alone the small of Violet’s back and kissing her on the top of he head. “Go get dressed, we’ll go to Peggy’s.”

Peggy’s was Dan’s favorite little breakfast spot in Manchester. He found it one morning when he was in his third year of school, at the time he and Vy were living with his friend Charlotte, she was studying to be a Midwife at ManU with him. She often watched Violet while he wandered off in the early mornings, having had no sleep from his ongoing existential crisis that almost cost him his degree. 

Peggy became like a second mother to him, talking to him about life at the ass crack of dawn every morning when she opened her doors to find Dan waiting outside in the cold. it seemed like a tradition for him, at least once a week he’d walk down to her shop, grab a coffee and some eggs on toast with beans, and chat. 

She had 3 children of her own, all grown and his age at that point, but she remembered where she started. She had her first child when she was 20, in culinary school with a man who didn’t love her, and she sympathized with Dan. She knew what it was like to work her ass off for not only herself but for her child. She knew the struggle of often putting herself second for that child. And she knew how lonely it was to be so absorbed in loving that child that no one else could compare. 

But, she told him something that he needed to know back then, that really applied to his life now. She was so worried about her child she never took time to look around her at the people who also loved her. She never realized that the head chef at the small restaurant she worked at didn’t just walk her home every night or buy her flowers in the morning because he liked working with her. She found love in a man who had always been around but she’d never noticed it till she started loving herself as well. 

It was time Dan not only loved Violet, but he loved himself enough to go out and accept love from someone else. And if that meant asking Phil to join him for breakfast only a day after meeting him, he sure as fucking hell was going to. 

From: Dad Phil  
To: Dan  
I’m good, Emily and I are watching cartoons in the lounge, you?

From: Dan   
To: Dad Phil  
Me and Vy are going to get breakfast at a place called Peggy’s in town, if you haven’t eaten yet we’d love for you to join us?

From: Dad Phil  
To: Dan  
First of all, it’s “Vy and I” and second of all, we’d love too! When are you going?

From: Dan   
To: Dad Phil  
What are you? The English Language police?  
And we’ll be there around 11

From: Dad Phil  
To: Dan  
I have a degree in English Linguistics so yeah, I am.  
We’ll see you there!

His heart was beating so fast and he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. Phil kept getting cuter and cuter with every conversation. He finally got up off his bed, long after Violet had left to get changed, and got dressed himself. 

Phil had already seen him naked, he’d already seen anything that Dan labeled as a bad part, and from all the attention he paid to his body, Dan figured he liked it. He pushed any self conscious thought from his mind and threw on his ripped jeans and a random white t-shirt spacex t-shirt he got at another work event. 

He threw on a jean jacket, some running shoes, shoved his wallet in his pocket along with his phone and walked towards the front door. Violet was sitting on the bench in the hall, slipping her shoes on, she was wearing a similar outfit to him. Black jeans, white shirt, black jacket. She picked up on his style in the 11 years she’d been with him, 6 of witch he dressed her for. 

“We’re going to meet up with someone, but it’s a surprise.” Dan said, grabbing his keys from the key holder on the wall. 

“Bet it’s Charlotte.” 

“You’ll never guess it.”

The whole car ride downtown was filled with Violet guessing who was joining them for breakfast. She guessed her grandmother, great-grandmother, any and all of Dan’s old friends from university, and not once did she think of her best friend.

They pulled into Peggy’s car park, and he pulled right in beside the big black Suburban that was leaving his drive just the day before. Violet didn’t even notice, she was still so puzzled by who they were going to be meeting. 

They walked in together, Emily and Phil were sitting at the back in a booth, Phil facing outward, seeing Dan and sending a wink at him before Violet even spotted him. Phil waved at Violet, to which she turned to look at her dad with a shocked face, “Emily’s here!?” 

“Yes, go sit with her!” Dan excitedly said right back. 

She half ran over to their table, sitting down beside Emily and hugging her tightly. Dan sat down beside Phil, he wanted to desperately to hug him as well, instead he sneakily slid his hand onto his knee and gave it a squeeze while smiling at him. 

“How are you?” Phil asked.

“Wonderful.” He said with an even bigger smile, not realizing how much he missed talking to him after only a day. “Have you ordered yet?”

“No the waitress came round but I told her we were expecting you guys. She should be back.”

The girls sat facing each other in their half of the booth, talking to each other about how much they missed each other, their 11 year old dramas, and comparing how well their nail polish from Friday was doing. It was beyond lovely for Dan to see her smiling, laughing and enjoying someone’s company, someone other than him. They acted almost like sisters, something Dan always wished she had. 

Dan didn’t know how to talk to Phil without the girls knowing they liked each other, instead he took his phone out and typed into his notes.

‘I have missed you a lot and if the kids knew i would be cuddled into you right here.’ sliding the phone under the table towards Phil. he read it with a smile on his face. A cute one with his tongue stuck out, it was weird but Dan loved it. 

Before he could write anything else he heard a familiar voice, “Daniel? My Boy!” 

“Hey Peg.” He said, getting up to give her a big hug. “How are you?” 

“I’m fantastic now!” she said, pulling away and still holding onto his arms. “How’s my favorite adopted son?” 

He smiled and hugged her once more, he loved that woman so much. “I’m really good.”

“Hi nanny,” Violet hugged her next, “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too my sweet girl.”

“Um, these are our new friends Phil and Emily.” Dan said, introducing his favorite person to someone who has a high chance of becoming his most favorite person.

“Hello.” Phil said shaking her hand.

“Nice to meet more friends.” she turned to Dan, winking at him. 

“Yes. friends.” Dan spoke sternly, looking at her as if she was his real mother and he didn’t want her to embarrass him. 

“But dad thinks he’s cute so who knows.” Emily said with a giggle.

Phil turned a bright red, “Emily!” 

“Yeah and my dad thinks he’s hot as well.”

“Violet!”

“Okay, well how would you girls like to come back and try some new muffins i made and let your father's talk?” Peggy asked, placing a hand on Violets shoulder and leading them out of the booth towards the kitchen doors. 

“I’m sorry.” was the first thing Phil said. “But you are very cute.”

Dan sat back down in the booth and wrapped his arms around Phils waist, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. It was a new form of comfort he’s not known long but is slowly falling in love with. His somewhat cold body temperature was a lovely contrast to Dan’s, his shoulder broad and boney and he was nice to hold. He wanted to stay like that forever. 

“And you’re hot. But also handsome and kind and I think I really like you.”

Dan could feel Phils smile grown, pressed to the side of his cheek. “I think I really like you too, Dan.”

Dan pulled away and they just looked at each other, Phil’s hand was placed over Dans, under the table on Dan’s knee. “Do you want to have a real date without the children?”

“If I can find a babysitter in this town then yeah, I’d love too.”

“My mom takes Emily when I go out, she’ll be happy to take Violet as well, the girls can spend time together and we can too, it’ll be nice for us all.” 

No kids. A real date. Holy shit. 

“That would be nice.” he said, flipping his hand around and properly holding Phil’s, “I’ve never been on a real date before, I’ve like met up with people for drinks when I was like 21 but I’ve never had a date where one of us is picked up and we go somewhere nice or anything.”

“We’ll, I’m going to make this a date you won’t forget.”

The girls came around the corner with food before Dan could kiss him one last time. Peggy knew Dan’s regular order, so out come a dish of traditional english breakfast, as well as a plate of pancakes for Phil, the sight made him throw his head back against the booth, claiming his daughter knew him so well. The girls both got french toast and fruit and they scarfed it all down. They all joked around and chatted, they acted like they had all been friends who have breakfast together every sunday for 11 years. Dan loved it. 

When they were done, and the girls were getting back into their cars, talking in between the two of them, Dan took the chance to kiss Phil. He pulled him over to his driver side, away from the kids, and he kissed him. “I didn’t think I could go a week without doing that.” he whispered.

“Me either.” Phil kissed him once more, then kissing his cheeks, his forehead and his chin, “there. Now all the bases are covered.”

Phil watched Dan get into his car, winking at him once he closed the door and walking back to get into his car. Violet was safely in her seat, and Emily was with Phil. He took a deep breath. 

“Ready to go home?”


	8. Chapter 8

Getting back into his weekly schedule was easy. Every morning he woke Violet up, made her breakfast and drove her to school. Work changed throughout the week, he always had different clients, the number of clients he saw always changed, and one day a week he was in charge of emergency intake clients. 

Intake days were always hard for him, the raw emotions from people who walked in for help, whether it was the first time they’d gotten help or a relapse, it was hard but he loved it at the same time. He loved being someone's support, someone that they could trust and find help in, someone who could take a weight off their shoulder they never knew was there. 

He walked into work Monday morning, getting his list of clients and walked into his office. He set his bag down under his desk and opened his email. 

‘Hello Shannon,

I was wondering if you’re available for a session with me sometime this week? I can work my schedule around when you’re free, let me know if you are. It’s not a emergency, thank you for your time.

Daniel Howell, B.S.W., M.S.W.  
Counselor,  
Greater Manchester Mental Health  
Young Minds Ambassador  
daniel.howell@merh.co.uk’

Nothing turned him on more than a well formatted email. Well, maybe someone did, but emails were a close second right now.

He hit send and waited for a response. Normally his therapist got back to him by the end of the day, or she’d come upstairs from her office to see him around lunch. It was nice working in the same office as her. He’s gone to her on intake days when he’s needed her, and she’s always been able to take him in. she was the reason he worked where he did. She got him his third year placement at the hospital and he’s never looked back. She was a wonderful woman.

He had a few clients that day, two regulars and someone who was new. A young boy who had to be around 17, who was looking for help. He had done an intake with someone else the previous week and was paired with Dan, seeing as he was the one counsellor who worked best with the younger crowd.

He was called Adam, he was about to graduate from school, and he was gay. It was pretty heart wrenching to hear about his struggles, wanting to come out after he graduated but also not wanting his relationship with his parents and family to change. He knew if he did it closer to leaving for school they wouldn’t ever kick him out and he’d already be gone, but he was still scared they’d be awkward about it, or think it was gross. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d had someone in his office saying the exact same thing. and it wasn’t the first time he started the speech about how he got to where he is. 

“I know I’m not supposed to speak about myself as this is about you, but if you’ll allow me I’d like to tell you about how I came out and show you it does get better?” to which the boy nodded.

“I was 16 when I came out to my best friend, and she decided she would get me drunk and sleep with me to see if she could change my mind. Instead I ended up figuring out I was absolutely one hundred percent gay. Three weeks later she was at my door telling me she was pregnant, and another week after that she had outed me to my whole family and most of our school. And I still had two years till I ran off to university.”

“It was hard for my family to take both situations at the same time. They decided to forget the gay part and focus on me being a dad at sixteen. She left me with the baby, I was a single dad and my life seemed like it ended. But it didn’t. I went to school to be a counsellor and help other gay youth realise that the things that happen after you come out aren’t the end of the world, that you can build a life for yourself and use your struggle to help others.”

“Try and think of the best things that can happen when you come out. What would change your life for the better?”

Adam started to cry a little, wiping the tear from his dark cheeks, “The best thing that could happen? Um, I could finally find someone to love, and not have to be lonely anymore. I can become a teacher and bring awareness to my class and make it easier for other kids to come out and educate them on gay issues. I could finally be happy.”

Dan smiled, finally being happy, the place everyone wanted to finally get to. “Now, what is scarier? Having your parents feel awkward around you cause your gay, or never being truly happy?”

He wanted to speak, but the tears were streaming down his face, “never being happy.”

Dan pushed the tissue box closer to him, watching him take a few and wipe his face off, he calmed down with a long puff of air leaving his mouth. He rubbed his cheeks and held his face in his hands. “You know, you’re the first gay person I’ve ever actually met in person. I’ve never talked to a gay person in real life and I was scared no one would understand this, but thank you Dan.”

“Thank you for coming in, for putting yourself first and doing what you saw was best for you.”

They ended the meeting with a hug, sometimes all a kid needs is a hug, and Adam did. He walked him back to the front desk and encouraged him to come back whenever he needed to talk, he walked away hearing him booking an appointment for another two weeks time. 

He closed his door and sat down at his desk again, this time taking out his phone and sending Phil a text. 

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
It’s only Monday and I already feel so drained. Just had the most heart warming client experience that I can’t tell you about for legal reasons but man was it ever a draining day.  
I can’t wait to see you this weekend<3

The rest of his day included paperwork, picking Violet up from school, texting Phil about how much they missed each other and what they were up to. And then went to bed. His whole week would look like this. Watching his kid, working with other kids, and talking to Phil. 

Shannon had emailed him back, there weren’t any available spots for that week but she had booked him in for the next Tuesday at 4. It wasn’t the best time for him, being an hour after pickup for Violet and it was on his intake day, but he had to make time for his own mental health. 

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
I’m sorry, wish I could make you feel better 

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
Texting you makes me feel better<3

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
aww<3 you’re gross. Also if you want to get lunch this week as well I don’t mind coming over to your work

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
Yeah I have lunch at 12-1 every day if you are free

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
I take my lunch whenever so I’ll come see you, wednesday work?

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
Sounds good<3  
Also, next tuesday I have an appointment after work, do you know anyone in the area who babysits? I won’t be able to pick Vy up till like 5 that day

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
I can pick her up if you want, I don't mind

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
You’re a literal angel thank you

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
Anything for you<3

 

-

Tuesday blew by, he met with only 2 intakes that day, and left early. As hard as intake days were, he also loved the ones that went by fast so he could go home. He ordered in a takeaway that night for him and Vy and the two of them watched a movie in the lounge.

“How would you like to have a sleepover with Emily again this weekend?” Dan asked between bites of food.

“I’d like that but I think this is her nanny’s weekend.”

“Yeah, Phil said his mum would love to have you over as well, and next Tuesday I have a doctors appointment so Phil is taking you back to Emily’s that night.” 

“Do you have a crush on him?” She asked, her voice high pitched in the way his own is when he’s excited.

He blushed, thought of all the things he could tell her, not knowing what Phil had told Emily, knowing full well she’d hear from Vy if she didn’t already know. “Yes.” He said, “And he’s taking me on a date this weekend, that’s why you’re going to Emily’s nanny’s house.” 

Her smile slowly grew, till her matching dimples showed up. “I’m happy for you, just don’t end up loving him more than me.”

He looked at her with big eyes, feeling himself get emotional and tears wanting to fall from his eyes. He reached an arm out and pulled her close to him. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life, I could never love anything more than you.”

“Good. I love you dad.”

He kissed her on top of her head, missing the sweet baby smell she used to have, “Ugh, I love you too kid! Stop making me cry so much lately.”

“Can you let go of me so I can eat?” 

“Yes my love.” 

He didn’t know how he got so lucky with this kid. She loved him so much, she loved spending time with him, she told him everything and she thought of him as her best friend. When you have a kid, that’s the dream, being their friend and someone they can trust, and somehow he managed to be good enough that she thought that. 

The rest of their dinner was filled with small conversations about what happened at school, how she was doing and things her and Emily got up to at lunch. They had a wonderful friendship as far as he could tell. The way she talked about Emily, with big eyes and a smile reminded him of how he used to talk about her mom. How good of friends they had been, and the wonderful memories the two of them made. 

She didn’t look a lot like her mother, she had her nose and her freckled body but every other feature was a lot like his. She was tall, curly brown hair that wasn’t as curly now that it was long, but her wispy hairs in the front and by her ears were still as curly as they were when she was a little kid. She had big brown doe eyes and dimples in her cheeks. Fluffy eyebrows like his and long eyelashes. It was like she was his female clone, she even had a lot of his mannerisms and ideas about the world. 

She was a blessing to him. 

Growing up he always said he wanted to have two or three kids, he always pictured a big happy family with a dog and a big house. But if Violet and this place were the only things in that dream that came true, it was more than enough. The love he has for that child is something he isn’t sure he can share, not sure if his heart even has enough room left to love anything like he loves her. 

She put all her dishes away, as well as Dan’s, kisses his cheek from behind the couch and asks if she can watch TV in her room, as he’s not yet taken it back to their guest room. He nods his head, “You can keep it in there, I trust you to watch appropriate things, but if you find something you’re not sure about, ask me okay? I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide things from me.”

“I love you dad, dont worry. I’m just watching a show called Miraculous Ladybug.”

He smiled, she was a good kid. “Okay, I love you too, I’ll be up to see you at 10 for bed.” She nodded and left to go upstairs. 

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
Hey so I told Vy about our date and that I have a crush on you so your kids probably going to know tomorrow if you haven’t told her.

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
I told her at dinner with my parents. They all think I have a boyfriend now

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
You almost do ;)

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
Have you ever had a partner? Is that too much to ask?

Nope. Dan felt his heart ache, he’d never had a partner. He’d never had the time to go on dates with a kid while getting a degree. He barely had time for the random hookups he had during that time. More than one interupted by the babysitter calling or his kid crying in the middle of sex on nights he had the courage to sneak one into his apartment. 

Instead of texting back he called Phil.

“Hello beautiful.” Phil answered, voice as deep and northern as it had been the first time he picked up the phone a few days before. 

“I hate texting, it’s nicer to hear your voice.” Dan confessed down the line, he felt like a teenage girl in an american high school movie. He wanted to lie down across his bed with his feet in the air waving back and forth while he flirted with the cute boy down the line. 

“Good thing I love talking to you, I normally hate talking on the phone it sets my anxiety off.”

He couldn’t help but smile, this man made his heart expand, “I’m glad you like talking to me.” 

“You didn’t answer my text.”

“Oh.”

He knew he wanted to tell him. He wanted to say it out loud and not over text. He wanted Phil to hear his words and not just read it, inferring the tone and thinking he was sadder and lonelier than he actually was. 

“I’ve never had a real partner. I dated a girl when I was 12 and kissed her at the cinema and never had another girlfriend after that. Sarah took my virginity, but I didn’t want nor did I enjoy it. And I’ve had random hookups while in uni but I’ve never had a real partner.” 

“Do you mind me attacking you with questions?” Phil asked. 

“Oh no not at all, ask me anything.” Dan replied quickly, the feeling of being a teen girl still had not left him, he liked it. He was a little nervous, and excited. “As long as i can ask you questions too.”

“Shoot.” Phil said, taking the flirtation vibe and running with it.

“How many partners have you had?” Dan asked, starting it off easy. Or so he thought.

“All together or at one time?” Phil snapped back.

Dan’s jaw drops to the point he thinks it could unhinge itself. “Shut up, you haven’t?” 

“I have, and I’m going to my room one second. Emily doesn’t need to walk into the kitchen and hear this.”

“I should do the same.” Dan says, getting up. Fully knowing where this could go, and he’s not opposed to the thought. He closes his door and locks it before climbing onto his bed. 

“So, all together I’ve had four real partners. I was obviously married only once, and I’ve slept with around ten or twelve people in my life. Never more than 3 at one time.”

“Holy fuck.” was all Dan could say to those facts about Phil. 

“I was a bit of a whore in university. York was full of polygamists, and I liked fucking and being fucked, what can I say.” 

The thought of Phil being with so many people was oddly turning him on, the man had experience. “God, you’re going to kill me Lester.”

“Too bad I can’t take your sexual frustration out tomorrow during lunch.” 

The thought went right to Dan’s dick. It was half hard thinking about getting pressed against his desk and being fucked hard by such a beautiful man. “Fuck, what a shame.”


	9. Chapter 9

He woke up at an ungodly hour Wednesday morning, nerves ripping him from sleep too soon, but all for good. He was excited to meet with Phil for lunch, and maybe a little more than lunch. He used his time and showered, did his hair and picked out his favorite outfit. A black sweater with the word End over his left breast and white checkered print throughout. His favorite pants that showed off his ankles and little white shoes. 

Dan made a pit stop to the pharmacy before he went to work that morning, walking to the lube isle and getting a box of individual lube packets as well as some condoms. It was the first time in a long time he’d bought those. He had a plan, he could keep them in his car, or his bag, or his pocket and sneakily go to the car park when Phil arrived, and if he wanted to, fuck him in the back of that sexy all black Suburban. 

His first two clients went by fast, and before he could even blink it seemed like Phil was texting him to ask where he should park.

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
There is a lower parking garage for patients, it’s lunch now so no one should be down there, if you want to park and I’ll come wave the fees for you.

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
You’re too sweet! See you in a sec ;)

He took a deep breath, bringing his lunch bag down with him, not sure how he was going to get his plan to work out. He put some lube and a condom in his pocket and made his way down. Every time the number on the elevator went down he freaked out a little more. He never thought he’d be planning to have cheeky bum sex in his works parking lot but a sexy and wonderful man can change a person.

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
Parked under the A6 

And sure enough, there he was under the A6 sign, leaning against his car. His hair looked impeccable, it looked properly styled and a lot darker than it had before, like he re-dyed it. He had a cute black cardigan over a white shirt and jeans on, looking hotter than Dan remembered.

Dan didn’t even get a chance to say hi back to him before he slammed his mouth against Phil’s, pushing him against the side of his car and ran his hands all over Phil’s chest. Phil grabbed his ass like it was second nature to him, and moaning into his mouth.

“Can you fuck me in your car?” Dan mumbled into Phil’s mouth between breaths.

Phil pulled away, “What?”

“Is that too forward? I’m sorry. I ruined this didn’t I? I’m so sorry I thought maybe you’d be into it after our phone call but I get it, I’m sorry I’ll-” Dan’s words came out in an anxious scramble before Phil was kissing him again. 

Phil pulled away once more and pulled the back door open, “It’s a little forward, I wasn’t expecting it from you. Come on, get in.” ushering his hands forward towards the seats.

Dan climbed in, his car was immaculately clean with a hint of new car smell. “This is insane.”

“I’m not going to pass up sex with you, ever.” Phil said softly, reclining the chair and pushing Dan back against it. He close the door, locked the car and climbed into Dan’s lap. “I’m going to kiss the shit out of you now.”

Phil’s face got closer to him, Dan licked Phils bottom lip, “Dirty talks not your strong suit.” he said into Phil’s open mouth before pulling him closer and connecting their mouths. 

It was hot and eratic, their rythems off in the heat of the moment, they were just smacking their mouths together in want, and Dan felt himself getting harder by the second. It didn’t help that Phil was grinding himself against it. 

“Switch.” Phil whispered, motioning for Dan to get on top of him instead, he moved to the seat beside Dan and watched Dan shimmy out of his trousers and pants, only taking one leg out entirely in case he had to put them back on in a hurry. 

He climbed back onto Phil, taking a condom and a lube packet out of his lunch box and handing them to him. “I may or may not have planned this.” 

Phil was starting to unbutton his jeans as Dan pushed his hands out of the way and did it. Gripping his hard cock through his pants. Phil groaned, tilting his head back, “You’re going to kill me, premeditated murder.” 

“Please don’t quote Kanye while I have your cock in my hand.” 

“I don’t even listen to Kanye.”

Dan pulled back, shocked with Phil still in his grasp. “Okay I don’t know what turned me off more, the Kanye quote or that you didn’t even know it was one?” 

“Shut up and let me stretch you for fucks sake you loser.” he said with the biggest smile on his face, one that didn’t make him feel like a loser at all. 

Phil ripped the packet open, put the lube on his fingers and shoved a hand between Dan’s legs. He massaged around Dan’s hole before easily slipping in. Dan moaned as he took Phil out of his pants completely, trying to push the material of his jeans down more but struggling with Phil’s weight on it. He listed his hips a bit to help, only getting them down a bit but Dan didn’t give a single fuck at this point, he wanted it so bad. 

Phil was three fingers deep in no time, the two of them kissing and sharing loving looks as Phil worked him open. Dan ripped the condom open and placed it over the cock that was about to be inside him, the thought made him shiver. He missed it so much. 

Phil pulled his fingers out and whipped them off on his underwear. Not wasting any time, Dan moved forward a bit and slid right onto his cock. The feeling of being filled and the grip Phil had on his waist was mesmerizing. Phil took his face in his hands and pulled him in for another kiss, it wasn’t as rough as before but still full of want. 

Dan started to rock his hips forward, picking up a rhythm as their mouths moved together as well. He’d never felt this good having sex with another person, maybe it was just really good, or maybe this is what making love felt like. 

He’d never felt emotions during sex, never once had he got butterflies thinking about sleeping with someone, or had his stomach flip when he turned a corner and saw someone. Something about Phil and all the things they did together was different. Even a week into knowing each other, it was all so different than any relationship he’d ever had with anyone in his life. He loved Phil. 

That thought rocked though his body like someone had punched him in the gut. He stopped moving and pulled away from Phil’s mouth. Eyes wide and staring at him.

“What? Are you okay?” Phil asked in shock.

He blinked a few times and shook his head, “No, yeah sorry I thought I heard something sorry.”

Phil kissed him again, lightly this time. “We can stop if you want?”

Dan bucked his hips, biting his lip while looking him dead in the eyes, “I really don’t want to stop.” 

“Good.” Phil said, pulling him in again and kissing him some more.

He moved his one hand to be in the back little tuft of hair at the base of Dan’s neck. Pulling on his while his other hand reaching to grab Dan’s leaking cock and give it a slow pump. Getting down to the base and gliding back up his length, slowing down Dan’s movements to match. Then jerking him faster, Dan’s hips following suit.

Dan could stay in these motions for hours, the feeling of Phil inside him, lightly hitting his prostate. The feeling of his cool hand on his dick. All the attention Phil’s mouth was paying to his and his other hand roaming his body. It was the best pleasure one could experience. All building to one massive crescendo. 

Dan felt himself getting close, his hips bucking more erratically. Phil’s breath on his mouth was a sign he was feeling it too, his breathing had picked up when he started to get close the last time as well. 

“Fuck Dan, you’re so fucking hot.” he moaned into Dan’s mouth before moving to kiss his neck. He must have remembered. 

Dan knew he was close, Phil’s words weren’t helping. He reached down to pull his shirt up as well as Phil’s not wanting anything to get on them. Exposing one of Phil’s nipples. Dan licked his finger and ran it over his nipple, resulting in a high pitched moan from Phil to escape. 

“Fuck, Phil!” Dan said one last time, his orgasm hitting him as Phil ran his thumb over the slit of his cock. It made him ride Phil harder, slamming down against his hips, feeling him start to twitch. 

He continued to ride to Phil’s moans against his neck. “Shit, shit oh god, Dan!” Phil screamed as he bucked up hard into Dan one last time. 

He threw his head back against the seat, cum all over his hand that was still loosely around Dan’s cock. Dan lifted himself up so that Phil could slip out, before resting his head back into the crook of Phils neck and kissing just below his ear. 

“Thank you.” he whispered. 

He felt Phil smile on the side on his face. “No problem beautiful.”

Dan kissed him a few more times on his cheek before he reached over to grab a napkin from his lunchbox. Wiping off Phil’s hand and his dick, folding it and placing it on the ground till he could get out. He pulled his pants back on and his one shoe that was discarded from pulling one leg out. “Do you want to come up to my office and eat? I dont have another client til one forty.”

“I’d love to.” Phil said with a smile. 

They got out of the car, taking all the used packets, wrappers and soiled items to the garbage before entering the elevator. Phil stood very close to him, shoulders bumping as they went up. Suddenly Phil’s hand touched his, their fingers brushing before Phil slipped his fingers between his and held his hand close. The smile on Dan’s face building, making his dimple pop out.

“You’re so cute.” Phil said, kissing his dimple right before the doors opened.


	10. Chapter 10

The rest of his week flew by, texting Phil all day at work and talking on the phone all night. Till suddenly it was Saturday morning. 

Violet woke up and made her way into bed with him, she cuddled into him and they fell back asleep like that till it was 10am. They exchanged their morning hellos, Dan kissed her on the top of her head and played with her hair while she explained a crazy dream she had the night before. 

“Dad, can I ask you a question?” 

“Of course my love.”

She paused for a moment, facing away from Dan with her back pressed against his chest where they sat against the headboard. Her hair half braided in his hands, “How does it like, work? Being gay?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, not sure where her question was going.

“Like when you and charlotte told me about sex, you said boys put their penis in a vagina and then sperm goes to the egg to make a baby, but, boys don’t have vaginas so how does that work” she asked, genuinely wondering and clearly not knowing, as any 11 year old wouldn’t know. 

“Um, to be one hundred percent honest, there are lots of different ways to be intimate with someone and sex isn’t always for making babies, it’s something you do when you’re a lot older that can be fun or special if you love the person.” Dan said, answering half the question, not knowing how the hell he was going to tell her. 

She moved away from him, sitting cross legged in the bed, her braid untwisting and her hair falling into her face. “But how does it work? Why does it work? I don’t understand why people would have sex if they’re not making babies?” Her innocent mind was something she wouldn’t have for long. And as much as he wished she’d stay his little girl who wasn’t becoming a woman, he told her.

“Well, sex feels good. It’s really weird how the body works, you see, blood rushes to either the penis or the vagina when two people are excited to have sex with each other and, oh god this is awkward, um,” he explained, watching her face crunch as the conversation got more awkward. “as they touch each other whether it be with hands or uh, mouths or penis in the vagina the good feeling builds till all the blood flows back to where it’s supposed to be in the body creating a nice feeling called an orgasm. That’s typically why people have sex.”

“But you don’t have a vagina?” was the only thing she was fixated on.

“No I do not.” he felt himself getting red, it was fucking awful having to explain this but he rahter her hear it from him then a friend with the wrong information or the internet. “So uh, gay sex is a bit different for men, um, one of the men puts their penis in the other mans butt.”

She laughed, out loud a verbal cackle. “They don’t!”

Her laughter changed the mood, making him feel comfortable telling her about such a topic. “Yeah they do, see it feels good for women in the vagina ‘cause they have a lot of what is called pleasure points, but for men they have something called a prostate inside their butts and it helps it feel nice even though it’s a very weird thing to do.”

“Okay cool.” she was surprisingly chill about the whole conversation, which was amazing. Dan felt like such a good dad seeing that his kid could come to him with these questions. “How old were you when you first had sex?” 

“Your mom was my first, we were sixteen.” He had told her that before, but she probably didn’t pick up that that was his first time.

“I’ll be sixteen in five years.” 

Dan panicked at the thought, “I can’t tell you what to do with your body when you’re sixteen but I can tell you that sometimes waiting is better.” he smiled, he felt emotional for the hundredth time that week. “I love you and I love that I had you so young, I’d never change that, but having sex at sixteen was such big thing that I wasn’t emotionally ready for and I actually didn’t have sex again till I was twenty. Wait till you feel safe and comfortable with your own body as well as love yourself when you first do it, it makes it more fun if you love yourself as well as the person.”

“Dad, you’re such a sap. God, you’ve cried 3 times with me this week!” 

“I can’t help that i love you!” he joked, lurching forward and tackling her into a hug. “I wish you’d stay my baby forever.”

“Dad?” she asked once more, still in Dan’s arms. 

“Yes?”

“Do you love yourself?” she asked, holding his arms that were wrapped around her.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding his head. “I do.”

“Do you love Phil?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’ve never loved a person other than you before.”

“Does he make you have butterflies in your stomach and your heart beat really fast when you see him?” 

“Yeah.”

“I think you love him.”

His heart ached thinking about how he already loved Phil, in a weird child like love. He wasn’t in true love with him, then again he had no idea what true love with a partner was. He’d only ever known family love, the unconditional type that came with being a brother, son and father. He didn’t know the love that Phil feels for his wife, but he might one day.

After a few minutes of more cuddling and talking with his little girl had passed, she got up to go back to her room and do whatever 11 year olds did. Probably watching a movie and coloring or playing with the 2 dolls she still had from when she was little. Her imagination was still sticking around, she still played, she was happy and having fun. Every part of Dan wanted her to stay little forever.

He never wanted to see her grown up. He didn't want the heart breaks and the friend drama to start, he didn’t want to see her struggle through exams and GCSE’s. He didn’t want her to be an adult who stressed about everything the way he does, but he knew it was inevitable. She was growing up, she wouldn’t be little forever. It sucked. 

After his little pity fest about his baby not being a baby anymore, he rolled over and saw he had a message from his best friend.

To: Dan  
From: Charlotte  
Hi I’m in town I’ll be over at noon whether you like it or not loser.

To: Charlotte  
From: Dan  
Lol okay we’re home so just walk in dumbass 

Charlotte was typically on call everyday, being a midwife made her busier than anyone else he knew, seeing as babies just came as they pleased. She only got to see Dan every once in a blue moon since they graduated, he was seeing 2 of his favorite people that day it seemed. 

She let herself in with the emergency key Dan had given her in case he lost his or she picked up Violet from school, and walked right into Dan’s bedroom. She dropped her bag on his floor and ran to him, hugging him and tackling him on the bed. 

“Hello love!” She said, kissing his cheek and sitting back up. Flicking her long blond hair out of her face and looking at him with her wonderful big green eyes he’d looked into so many times in the last 8 years.

Dan smiled back at her, he missed her a lot when she wasn’t always around. “You’ve come on a great day. I have a date and need help picking an outfit.”

“What?” She said in pure shock and surprise.

“Violet has a friend, Emily, and her dad and I have been kinda getting together over the last week.” 

She raised her eyebrows, “How much together in the last week?”

Dan felt the blush rush through his face as he licked his lips, “Like I met him last Saturday and we slept together and then again at lunch at my fucking work, and he’s taking me out tonight.” 

“Holy shit! How come you haven’t told me sooner?” 

“It’s happened really fast, and I honestly forgot. I’ve been talking to him all day every day he’s taken over my life, Lottie, it’s crazy.” Another smile growing on his face thinking about it.

She reached over and grabbed his hand. “This is going to be good for you.”

They smiled at each other, he knew how much she loved him like a brother and would do anything for his happiness, and he’d do the same for her. “But you do know I’m a lesbian with no fashion experience so I will be no help today.”

“I still love you regardless you tasteless bitch.” 

They spent the next hour watching Dan pull different outfits from his drawers and prance around, listening to all his favorite songs and laughing together. Violet came down to join when she heard all the screaming about a particularly dreadful outfit he put on. It was an experience he never thought he’d have, prancing around getting ready for a date with his two favorite woman in the world. He felt like Jennifer Garner in 13 going on 30. 

“I don’t even know where I’m going!” Dan said, plopping down on the bed, his room a mess and he was frazzled. He let out a ong huff. “Pass me my phone?”

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
How fancy should I be on a scale from my work attire to oscar awards?

Phil responded with in a few seconds, he didn’t even have time to put his phone down. 

To: Dan  
From: Dad Phil  
I’m wearing a red button up and black jeans with fancy shoes, but I wouldn’t be opposed to you looking better than me ;) just going to take it off you later anyway <3

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
Sounds like a plan ;)

“Oh you’re blushing!” Charlotte yelled, shaking his shoulders where he laid on the bed. 

“It’s an eighteen R conversation, sorry I can’t tell you about it.” Dan said, locking his phone and getting off the bed. 

“Dad loves him so they’re going to have sex, weird butt sex.” Violet chimed in, giggling as soon as she said it.

“Oh my gosh I should not have told you anything.” Dan said, smacking his head off the side of his wardrobe and leaning against it. Charlotte cackling the whole time. 

-

Dan had agreed to drop Violet off at 5 so he could get ready for Phil to pick him up at 8. He got Vy into the car with a packed bag of all her essentials and made his way to the Lester’s family home in Rawtenstall. It was only a short 15 minutes from their house, secluded in a cute little suburb that he could imagine Phil growing up in. It had a charm about it that screamed Phil.

His parents house was huge, multiple levels with a balcony and a big yard with a hill, looked like they even had a greenhouse out back. Dan pulled in right beside an old red truck, Phil’s car nowhere in sight.

He grabbed Vy’s things and walked with her up the stairs to the door, a hand on her back on top her hair, his nerves hitting him. He was meeting his somewhat boyfriends parents. That was a terrifying thought to him.

Before he could even knock the door was thrown open and an older woman was stood in front of them. “Hello dear!” Her cheerful northern voice was loud enough to echo down the street. “I’m Katherine! It’s so nice to meet you!”

She stepped forward and hugged Dan, tightly the way Phil had hugged him first morning they were together. She was shorter than him by a lot however, probably around 5’9”, no doubt shrinking with age. Not that she looked old, she still had a light red color to her hair, not as visibly died as her sons. Minimal wrinkles on her face, her skin was clear and looked better than his own mother who was only in her 40’s. 

She hugged Violet quickly, “Emily is in the TV room, right passed that archway, run in there I’ll take your things.” She said, pointing behind her.

Violet reached over to Dan and hugged him, “I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun with your boyfriend.” She was a cheeky shit, calling him that and running off.

Dan turned a bright red color, awkwardly with his almost boyfriends mother in her front hall. “Thank you for watching her tonight.” Dan said politely in the poshest voice he could muster. 

“I can see why Phil likes you, you’re very polite. Come on in and have a cup of tea with me I need to see if you’re fit for my son.” She said with a laugh, pulling him by the hand in to the front hall more and closing the door. “It’s simply a joke my dear come one in.”

Her kitchen had an old timey feel to it, like he’d traveled back to the 80’s. The dark wood cabinets, the laminate countertop, a stove that was probably older than he was in the corner with an equally old kettle on top of it. He sat down at the counter in one of the chair, pulling his phone out as Katherine turned around to fill the kettle. 

To: Dad Phil  
From: Dan  
SOS help me your mother is holding me hostage and is interrogating me.

He sent the message quickly and shoved his phone back in his pocket before she could see, the last thing he wanted was for her to think he was rude. 

“So Daniel, tell me about yourself?” She asked, politely and softly. 

“Um, I’m twenty six, I’m a youth counsellor at the hospital. I have a nice house and a good car. No legal troubles or history with drugs, you know, all ‘round perfect guy if you ask me.” He panicked, joking as a result. It seemed to work as she was lent over the counter laughing the same way Phil does. 

“Daniel sweetheart, I trust Phil’s judgement when it comes to partners, he’s had a few good ones. I want to know you, however. It seems he likes you a lot and I would like to as well.” she smiled, another similarity she had to Phil. 

“I-” Dan went to speak, being cut off by the old wall phone ringing.

“Hello?” she answered. “Child, it’s fine I’m just getting to know him. I’ll send him on his way after tea.”, “I know, I know, goodness me won’t you calm down? It’s a date not your wedding.”, “Yes goodbye.”

“I’m sorry I texted him I don’t think he understood I was kidding when I said you kidnapped me.”

“No worries my boy, I’ve not seen him this nervous since he introduced us to Iris Christmas of 06. He must really like you.” She said, turning to take the kettle off the stove and pour the water into two mugs. She must miss her too.

They drank their teas together, discussing Dan’s degree and family life. She loved hearing about his life in the south, saying she always loved manchester and the north but the accents were so pleasing. She was a loving kind woman towards him, it was easy to tell she was Phil Lester’s mother, and how much she influenced the wonderful man he was. 

It made him fall a little more in love with him.


	11. Chapter 11

When he got back home, Charlotte had been long gone. She left a note on his bed on top of a nice button up, a pair of dress pants and a pair of shoes. 

‘Hey dumbass,   
I have a woman in labor down the road, sorry I had to leave but I picked my favorite things for your outfit. I hope you have a wonderful time tonight and he treats you like the prince you are. Let me know where you are and if you need me, I love you very much <3 Lottie.’

The shirt she had picked was an Alexander McQueen shirt he splurged on around Christmas. It was white with embroidered black flowers along the chest. He’d not had a chance to wear it yet, the 700 american dollars tag hanging from the label on the neck. He was excited to wear it finally. 

His phone told him it was 5:56, he had an hour to get ready before Phil showed up at his door. His nerves were running through him, he felt sick to his stomach. A huge part of him wanted to call it off, mainly because he was scared and not at all because he didn’t want to go with Phil. 

He stripped his clothes and hopped in the shower. The hot water hitting him in a pattern that soothed his body, numbed it almost. He washed his body, his hair, and face. He felt a little better being clean, but still nervous. Hopping out, wrapping himself in a towel, he went back to his room to sit on his bed. 

He laid back against the sheets, staring up at his ceiling. He kept thinking that it was stupid that he was nervous. Phil was lovely and kind and wonderful, he’s shown him that he cares and appreciates him. It was just them hanging out in a nicer place than his work. It was special, because every time he saw Phil was special. Phil was special, special to him. 

He threw the thoughts out of his mind, and the feeling in his gut seemed to go away with it. He quickly dried off, fixed his hair and got dressed. He felt confident standing in front of his mirror. For the first time in a long time he looked at himself like he was sexy, like he could wear and do anything and that was fine because at the end of the night Phil liked him regardless of if he was trying or not, and that felt so fucking good. 

He put his wallet and phone in his pocket, grabbed his shoes and left his room, moving to the front hall so he’d be ready when Phil got there. He tied his shoes, straightened the ends of his pants and stood up. He looked in the body mirror in their front hall, turning to the side, admiring how his own ass looked, it was normally kinda flat but these pants made him feel like he had a nice one. He loved every bit of his look. 

He was so busy checking himself out that when there was a knock at his door he jumped. “Holy fucking shit!” He yelled, hearing giggles from behind his door.

“You scared the shit out of me.” Dan said, opening the door. 

He was still giggling when the door was fully open, his tongue poking out. He was so fucking cute and fucking hot. 

Dan took a moment to look him up and down, he was breathtaking. He stood with so much confidence, he knew he was a fucking full course meal, and Dan couldn’t wait to have a taste. His long legs tightly packed into a brilliant pair of black skinny jeans, and a dark burgundy dress shirt that made his eyes pop. Not to mention his hair was absolutely perfectly pushed back and he wore black rimmed glasses that were just the cherry on top. 

He felt like he was drooling looking at the sight that was Phil fucking Lester taking him out for dinner. “Hey.” was all Phil said, he fucking knew he was a sight to be seen.

“If we don’t get going I’m going to make you take me right here in my hallway.” He said, walking forward, putting a hand on Phil’s chest and backing him up, all while he was laughing again, so that he was out the door as well. He closed it and locked the door. 

“You look pretty sexy yourself Howell.” Phil said, kissing his cheek and taking his hand. “Come on, we’ve got places go.” 

Phil walked him to the passenger door, opening it and gesturing for him to get in. Dan had the biggest grin on his face, he felt beyond special. Phil leaned in and kissed him once he was in the car, “You’re beautiful.” 

Dan felt his heart flutter, he was really falling in love with Phil. Phil closed the door and walked around to his side, getting in and starting the car. “We’re going to my second favorite place in Manchester tonight.” 

“And where would that be?” Dan asked, cheekily. 

“Have you ever been to the skybar?” Phil asked, backing out of the driveway and taking off down the road, Dan shook his head. He’d heard of the place but never had the money or the time to go. “Well it’s lovely and the cocktails are amazing, I hope you’re ready to have the best first date of your life.”

The drive over was short and sweet, Phil had reached out his hand to hold Dan’s while it rested on the arm rest. His thumb casually rubbing over his skin, it was lovely and amazing. Dan felt the blush on his cheeks the whole time. There was a feeling of warmth, more than normal, flowing throughout his whole body. Like he was drunk, just on Phil. 

Phil parked the car, getting out and running around the car to open Dan’s door. It made him laugh hysterically, throwing his head back against the seat while Phil just watched him. They walked hand in hand to the elevator, going all the way up to the 23rd floor. 

The doors opened with a ding, exposing the dimly lit yet beautiful room. There were little tables throughout the whole room, all with candles and surrounded by lights draping from the ceiling. Every wall was a window, and out every window was a beautiful 360 view of the city they both called home. 

Phil had apparently made a reservation, god knows how much he paid for that. This wasn’t the type of bar that just let anyone walk in and get a table, especially one that was secluded in a corner, with the best view of the city. Phil tucked him into the table, kissing his cheek once again before sitting in his seat. Smiling over at Dan with a grin he appreciated looking at more than the view of the city that was right before him. 

“Tea here is really good and filling, but they don’t do it after four. The dinners are kinda tiny but still good, get as much as you want it’s all on me no ifs ands or butts mister.” Phil spoke, a grin on his face as he opened his menu and looked through it. 

Dan just grinned at him and shook his head, he was going to pay Phil back for this. Probably not with money, but later tonight for sure. The menu has minimal food, more snackish than anything. He decides to order the salmon and some bread to share with Phil, as well as a drink called A New World. It has rum in it, one drink should get him tipsy enough to enjoy it while also being there and remembering the moment with Phil. 

Phil orders the king crab, and a Pepsi. “You said the cocktails were amazing, why didn’t you get one?” Dan asks, puzzled. 

“Oh, um I’m driving you home and the foods not enough to sober me up a lot. I’m kind of a lightweight.” Phil admits, his once confident self bubbling down to shame and uncomfortableness. 

Dan reaches his hand out over the table, gripping Phils and holding it. He ran his thumb over it the way he had done for him in the car. “Thank you.”

“I’m, uh also a-afraid of driving at night and I uh drank a lot after Iris died and I didn’t want to tell you that yet but I lo-like you too much to not tell you.” Phil stumbled over his words, looking at his lap and not Dan as he spoke. 

“Phil.” Dan says, his voice small, “I understand and I like you a lot as well. Like a lot a lot. This is going to be a wonderful night.”

Phil’s eyes came back up to look at Dan’s, the lights twinkling in his glasses and the blue looking darker in the minimal light. Dan wanted nothing more than to look into those eyes every chance he could. He wanted to look at them before he went to bed and when he woke up in the morning. He wanted to sit on the couch with him and just look at him and not the movie. He wanted to make eye contact with him from across the dining room table while their girls giggled and talked to one another. He wanted Phil in every aspect of his life. 

Phil let out a deep breath, looking out over the city. “If only the eye was still up I’d love to take you there. I loved looking at the city at night.”

“Is that where you take all your dates?” Dan said with a cheeky grin, trying to bug Phil back into a playful attitude. 

“Nope.” Phil says completely straight faced. “It was my spot. I never took her there or here, she was afraid of heights.” 

Dan smiles, feeling a little special, “I would have loved to share that spot with you.” 

He turned back to the window, “I liked it because I felt like I could change the world in ways you wouldn’t believe, that the whole world was mine.” Phil spoke with courage and excitement, moving back to look at Dan’s eyes. “And now my whole world is sitting right in front of me.”


	12. Chapter 12

The drive home was achingly long, all Dan wanted was to be home. His or Phil’s he didn’t care. He wanted his hands to be able to freely roam Phil’s body. He wanted to kiss him for hours till his lips didn’t feel like his anymore, and him and Phil were one.

They pulled into Phil’s driveway, the outside lights on showing Dan that the exterior was a light blue with brick, so different from the black on black on black siding and brick work of his own house. He had a cute mailbox, a beautiful flowing garden and little decorations everywhere. It was a very Phil and Emily house.

He didn’t give Phil enough time to come open his door, he got out and met Phil in front of the car, taking his hand and walking with him up the few stairs to Phils door. He unlocked it, turned the alarm off and closed the door only to have Dan push him up against it and kiss him.

Pulling his body close and holding him in his arms. Kissing his lips again and again until Phil started talking in the middle of it. “I have something special for you.”

Dan pulled back enough to look in Phils eyes while also feeling his breath on his face. “Yeah?”

Phil hummed in response, “follow me.”

Around the corner, through a door, there was a beautiful fireplace. It had been lit, there were candles lit around the room and blankets all over the floor. The couches and tables moved to the edges of the room. Dan felt his jaw hit the floor. There was a whole ass blanket fort set up for them on the floor.

“This is a fire hazard, we were out for 3 hours Phil!” Was all Dan could say.

Phil laughed, tugging his arm and pulling him closer to the fort. “I had my neighbor Alice set this up for me. We were talking at the pickup about how I had a date this weekend and I didn’t know what to do. They told me that they saw a pin on pinterest about romantic dates at home and they set all this up when I texted them I was on the way back.”

Dan felt his heart in his throat, it lumped there, it was hard to swallow and breath. “No one,” he stopped so he didn’t cry. Changing his voice to a whisper to control it. “Has ever done something this nice for me.”

“Well, you deserve it and I’m glad I’m the one who is getting to treat you like this.”

Phil sat down, Dan followed him, sitting on the floor beside him. He rested a hand on Phil’s shoulder, pushing him onto his back and crawling beside him. He laid his head on Phil’s chest and immediately felt Phil wrap his arms around him and kiss the top of his head.

He stayed there like that not talking for a few moments, feeling Phil run his fingers on his back over the cotton of his shirt. “Thank you so much.”

“I’d do anything for you. I know this is so new but I feel like I’m being pulled closer to you each time we’re together, like you were always meant to be in my life.” Phil spoke softly, the room was so quiet already, his voice adding to the ambiance. “I know that’s cheesy.”

“It’s supposed to be cheesy, were in the honeymoon stage.” Dan giggled.

“To be there we’d have to be boyfriends.” Phil jokes back.

Dan sat up, propping his arm on Phils chest and watching him wince at the weight cheang. “Is that you asking me to be your boyfriend Lester?”

“If you’d do me the pleasure, Howell.” Those big wonderful blue eyes staring back up at him once again.

Dan lent down and kissed him, “I’d love to.”

Phil flipped him over, he was now on top of Dan, kissing him long and slow. His skin burned at the touch of Phil’s hands running over his body. Breathing him in, feeling him, holding him. He felt safe and secure.

Once upon a time, he would have never let himself become this attached to another person. He’d never let someone break his walls down, rip his chest open and hold his heart in their hands. But he felt safe with Phil, he felt loved with Phil. He knew his heart was safe in those shaky and cold, pale white hands. Because despite the uncertainty of life, despite the fact he’d put his life on hold for so long, and despite Phil still loved someone else. He felt safe.

If anything, putting his life on hold was because he was supposed to get here. Phil still loving Iris proved how big his heart was. And life had an odd way of doing what was best for you even if it looked like an absolute shit show.

He let Phil strip him of his clothes. He watched in agony as he undid every button, kissing the newly exposed skin as he went down. Throwing the shirt open at the end, the bruises from the week before were barely visible, and about to be replaced. Taking a moment to pull each arm out and kiss from his fingers down to his shoulders. Dan felt like he was a king the way he was being so thoughtfully cared for.

Dan just rested his head back against the blankets, eyes closed to take in the feeling of Phil’s wet, hot mouth kissing and sucking on his chest. It felt wonderful to have someone giving him the tender loving care he craved. It felt even better when he loved the person back. He loved Phil.

It was terrifying to admit to himself, even more so because it had been a week. A whole 7 days since the first time Phil had his mouth pressed to his body. Yet somehow his heart had decided to fall madly head over heels in love with the sweetest and most amazing man in the whole fucking world.

And he let it. He’d waited 27 long fucking years to be treated with the kindness, respect, care and love that Phil did. He was going to bask in every goddamn minute of it, even if it killed him. Because he loved Phil.

Phil sat in between Dan’s spread legs. He grabbed his left ankle, bending his knee and ripping his shoe off, throwing it out the door of the blanket fort. Next his tiny little ankle socks were gone, then the other shoe and sock. Then his trousers were being undone. His knees still bent to help him lift so Phil could pull both his trousers and pants off in one go, slipping them off his legs and tossing them out as well.

He moved to reach under a pillow near Dan’s one foot, pulling out a bottle of lube from behind it. He placed it beside Dan’s hip. “Don’t you dare think of moving.” Phil said as Dan moved to sit up a bit. “I’m taking care of _you_ tonight. This is about _you_.”

Dan flung his head back, moaning at both the anticipation and the sternness of Phil’s voice. It was one thing to be treated like this but to have a man as sexy as the one that was between his legs saying he was going to treat him right was literally enough to make him cum right then and there.

With that thought he realised how hard he actually was. While he was in his head the whole time coming to terms with how much he loved Phil, he had managed to leave a million and one love bites on his chest and was starting to work on his thighs all while still dressed and avoiding the aching hard on that was so close to his face.

Dan moved his hands to cover his face, the anticipation made him restless, he wanted those wonderful slender hands to roam his body, stroke his cock and fill him up. He whined, physically whined for some sort of touch. He’d never felt this desperate before.

Phil moved his mouth away from Dan’s thighs, “What do you want baby?” he asked.

“Take your clothes off and have your way with me.”

And so he did. Phil took his clothes off, and it felt like it took a million years. Dan heard each button pop, the teeth of his zipper fighting each other, the slip of fabric being pulled from his skin.

“Come here.” Dan spoke softly, his eyes still closed, his body flat against the ground.

Phil crawled on top of him once again, pressing their bodies together, cupping Dans face and staring down at him. “Hi.” He whispered.

He wrapped his arms and legs around Phil’s body. “You are so beautiful.”

Phil kissed the tip of his nose, “So are you.” he said with a smile. Then he kissed both his cheeks, his forehead and his chin. The same way he had the first night, and at breakfast, and in the car. Leaving his mark on all the places he liked.

“Can you let go now? You’re like an anaconda.”

“Pretty sure that’s you.”

Phil giggled getting out of Dan’s grip, “There’s my jokester.”

He slipped his way down Dan’s body again, he placed a pillow under Dan’s lower back so that he was comfortable. Leaving wet kisses on his inner thighs and blowing lightly over them. Dan felt all the hair on his body stand straight up, as well as his dick. Phil managed to already know what Dan liked after only having been with him twice before this.

Which made him think, Phil was the only man, or person really, he’d ever been with more than once. He’d never had someone sleep with him more than once, never learning his body and making him feel wonderful. Mainly just using his body for their high and caring little about his own. The change was wonderful.

The pleasure that crashed through his body with every kiss and lick and suck, was more amplified than it had ever been for him before. Whether it was the slight bit of alcohol in his system, the atmosphere or the fact he was falling in love with each touch, he had no clue. He’d never felt this good before.

While he was in his head, Phil had managed to lube up his fingers and surprised Dan by pushing one in while still kissing on his inner thighs. His back arched as Phil went deeper, his mouth opened for a moan but nothing but hot air passed his lips and the feeling of a toothy smile was now on his thigh. Phil had been in him only twice before but had already memorised where his feel good place was.

He pressed a second finger in, using the pads of his fingers to rub his prostate in such a gentle and loving manner Dan felt like he was on a cloud and he could orgasm a million times in a row. Between the kisses and the massage he felt his orgasm building, and he was fine with it. He could come a few times tonight, he’d done it before and he loved it.

His thighs started to twitch, his breathing got heavier and he felt his orgasm start. He gasped and moaned as he felt the hot liquid spray up his stomach. Phil pulled out and moved to lean over him and kiss him once more, and Dan felt Phil’s hand move to jerk himself off over Dan.

“No, no, fuck me. It’s okay I can go a few times.” Dan whispered into his open mouth.

“Really?” Phil asked.

“Yes, now fuck me Lester, don’t worry about wrapping it.”

Phil sat on his knees between Dan’s spreading the lube over his own cock. “You’re honestly an angel.”

He pressed the tip at Dan’s entrance, slowly pushing in. He was still so sensitive from his orgasm, it felt like Phil was so much bigger than he was. He gasped as Phil pressed in more and more, finally bottoming out and brushing against his prostate, making him squeal out in pleasure, flinging his body upwords.

Phil reached over and grabbed a pair of underwear to wipe Dan’s chest off before leaning down and pressing himself against him, Dan couldn’t blame him for not wanting to be sticky already. He rested a hand beside Dan’s waist to hold himself up while he started to thrust, as well as cupping a hand at the back of Dan’s neck to pull his Face forward and kiss him once more.

Dan lifted his legs to wrap them around Phil’s, running his hands up and down his back and taking it all in. He was not only in love with Phil, but this moment as well. The feeling of Phil in him, on him and all around him. Touching him and loving him and enjoying the moment, he started to cry, actually letting himself this time.

Phil wiped a tear from his cheek and stopped moving, “What’s wrong my love?” Phil spoke softly.

The words ‘my love’, were a commonly used pet name, but it also included a word he’d not stopped thinking of, a word he was sure Phil almost said earlier that night and a word he wanted to scream at Phil right in that moment.

“I’m just so happy, I’m sorry.” he said, a soft smile on his face and more tears dripping down his cheek to his neck.

“It’s okay, its okay,” Phil whispered, kissing his cheek following the tears. “I’m so happy that you’re happy.”

Dan pulled him in closer, hugging him and placing his head in his neck. “I’m good, I’ve just never felt this way before.”

“It feels wonderful doesn’t it?”

Phil knew what love felt like, he’d felt it before. And he was showing Dan that he felt it again, without even really saying it.

“Yes. It really does.” He whispered back. “I want more of it.”

“Yeah?” Phil asked, starting to thrust again.

“Yeah.” He said lying back and looking up into Phil’s eyes once again.

Phil picked up the pace, fucking into him with passion and want, not as much need as the times before. There was more time spent on emotions and enjoyment than getting and orgasm and being done with it. The closeness was what he cared about, what he wanted and craved, what he’s always wanted. He wrapped his arms under Phils, gripping his shoulder blades and pulled him down to kiss him deeply while he fucked into him with more force.

The time that passed mixed with the astounding pleasure had him near the edge once again. He kept kissing Phil, the type of kiss that was firm and long, sucking the air in through his nose as he pushed their lips together harder. Hungrily breathing out through his mouth and licking at Phil’s bottom lip. He wanted more, so he bucked his hips into Phil’s thrusts for added pleasure.

He felt close again, the heat in his stomach somehow more powerful than the last one, and hitting him almost as hard. “I’m so close.” He told Phil, who had made his way to his neck, the place he normally hid when he was close too.

His grunts and soft breath on his neck working him closer and closer till he was coming, the feeling stronger now than before and his emotions at full. He was chanting Phil’s name, when he really just wanted to yell three simple words he wasn’t sure he was ready for.

He felt Phil bite into his neck and moan as he thrusted forward one last time. He came in small bursts, his hips shaking and his grip behind Dan’s head getting tighter against the long curls he had back there.

He pulled out and fell onto Dan, who let out a sound of discomfort at the feeling of all Phil’s weight on top of him. He wrapped his arms around his body tightly and kissed his shoulder a million times. “Thank you.” He whispered once more.

“For what?” Phil asked, peeking his head up and looking at him once more.

He felt emotional again. “For making me feel like the only man in the world. For showing me respect and kindness, and treating me so well.”

“I’d do anything for you. You deserve the world Dan.” He said with the softest, most genuine voice Dan had ever heard. Then he kissed him. Soft and sweet.

They hugged there for a few more moments. Dan noticed how quiet it really was, the sound of his heartbeat in his ears and the fireplace being the only sounds in the room. Phil’s breathing was light, his nose whistling a little with each breath, it was adorable.

“Can I go clean up and I’ll be right back?” Dan asked.

Phil rolled off of him, “Yeah, I’ll take you up to my bathroom.” He stood up, grabbing his clothes and then Dans hand, pulling him up to his feet and leading him down the hall and up some stairs.

The little bit of light from the lounge illuminating the stairwell the tiniest bit. There were photos of him and Emily everywhere, all from when she was little, not a single photo of her now, nor were there any signs of Iris. He expected there to be at least one.

His bedroom was small, enough room for his bed and a dresser, there was a tv on a small stand at the end of his bed and two doors on the one wall. He let go of Dan’s hand to throw his clothes in the hamper and open the bathroom door. Everything was green and blue, it was like he was a teenage girl it all matched. He had plants and photos hung and it all seemed so, Phil?

“Thank you. Can I also borrow some pants? And a shirt?” he asked, standing stark naked in his bathroom doorway.

“Anything for you, my love.”

There it was again. Dan smiled awkwardly and walked into the bathroom and closed the door. He let out a deep breath and rested his head and both hands against the door. He was so, so, so ready to tell Phil he loved him on the inside. But he couldn’t do it yet. It felt way, way, way too early.

There were towels all set out, all his shampoos and body washed placed in the shower and a note stuck to the glass.

 

‘I knew you’d want to come clean up, take your time and do what you need. I’ve had the most fun I’ve ever had and technically as I’m writing this we haven’t even gone out yet but I know it’ll be amazing <3’

 

His heart leaped from his chest, and something else leaked down his leg. He felt both loved and gross.

He opened the shower door, leaving the note on the outside of it. He showered as fast as he could, using all Phil’s things and coming out smelling like strawberries and vanilla. He could eat his arms off he smelled so good.

He walked out to see Phil sat on his bed dressed in bright green pj’s with his phone, texting someone. “Hey handsome.”

He looked up from his phone, his hair an absolute mess and he somehow rocked it. Dan couldn’t knock the smile off his face.

“I hung your things up so they don’t wrinkle and there’s some things for you right there.” he said pointing to the end of the bed.

“Thank you.”

He dried off, placing the towel down on the bed and putting the clothes on instead. A plain black pair of calvins and a white shirt with a little red heart design on the breast. It felt pretty fucking on brand for how he felt.

“Can we sleep down in the fort?” Phil asked, plugging his phone in and leaving it on his side table.

“I’d love to.” Dan said, walking over to him and taking his hand once more. He lead him down the stairs and back to the lounge, into the fort and under the blankets.

Phil laid down on his back, and Dan cuddled into his chest. Phil ran his fingers up and down Dans back, “I had a really good time tonight.” Dan confessed.

“I did too.” Phil replied, running his nose through the wet curls on Dan’s head before kissing his head.

Dan snuggled into him more, getting comfortable. “I’m going to fall asleep now though, I’m so tired from all that.”

“Goodnight Dan.”

“Goodnight Phil.”

He felt sleep start to take over after a few short minutes. His body relaxing with Phil’s breathing and his touch, he was completely safe and happy in his arms. His body got heavy, his mind slowly turning off.

“I love you.” He heard Phil whisper into his hair, he wasn’t sure if he was dreaming yet. He just smiled against his chest and let sleep finally take over his body.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry.
> 
> mentions of suicide in this, not graphic but its pretty emotional and hard hitting so please be careful reading it <3

For the first time in his life, Dan woke up being held by a strong and handsome, mildly snoring, absolutely wonderful man. A man who he happened to know was in love with him. 

The sun was up, he could see the stripes of light slipping through the blinds and hitting the wall. The fire had completely died in their sleep, the smell of burned wood on the sheets that he’d wrapped around his neck and face. 

Phil was cuddled into his back, spooning him with one arm wrapped around Dan’s body and his hand loosely gripped on his shirt. He was still out cold, snoring in Dan’s ear lightly enough that it wasn’t anything more than adorable. Dan smiled, moving his hand to put it in Phil’s grip instead of his shirt. He closed his eyes again, staying in the moment as long as he could. 

Phil was his boyfriend now, something he’d never called anyone before, the thought made him smile to himself. He would look like such a weirdo if someone walked in on him smilinging to the point where he could giggle, cuddled into someone on the floor of Phil’s lounge. 

Phil was clearly in a deep sleep behind him, he never flinched when Dan grabbed his hand and he hadn’t seemed to be bothered by Dan moving to get more comfortable. Dan took his chance, the same one Phil took the night before when he thought Dan was asleep. 

“I love you too.” he whispered, so light it was barely more than a breath. 

He laid there in Phil’s arms for another half hour at most before Phil started to wake up. He stretched out, wrapping his arm tighter around Dan and snuggling into his neck again, leaving a kiss. 

“Good morning, love.” he finally spoke, his voice deeper than it had ever been, it sounded amazing.

Dan managed to get out from Phil’s arms to roll over and look at him. It was the first time he’d woken up next to Phil, the first time he’d seen his handsome morning face. “Hi.” was all that managed to slip out.

Phil reached out, placing his hand on Dan’s cheek, staring into his eyes and rubbing his thumb over the tiny bits of stubble he had. He was looking at him like he was the most perfect being in the world, which made Dan blush. “How did you sleep? You fell asleep so quick.”

Dan smiled, remembering the last thing Phil said to him that night. “It wasn’t that fast.” 

“Oh, did you hear me? I’m sorry if that was weird or too fast i’m so-” Phil rambled but was cut off by Dan smashing his mouth against his. Kissing him softly and slowly.

He pulled away just enough to whisper “I don’t mind, I feel the same.”

Phil pulled back even more to look at him again, his eyes glossy, “You do?” Phil asked, he looked worried and shocked.

“I’ve never said it to anyone before and it’ll be a big thing for me to like actually say but, yeah I do.” Dan admitted, he was a little scared Phil would think he was lying if he wasn’t saying it.

Phil smiled a little, “I understand. I do love you though and I’m not going to not say it because it really sucks when you feel it and you can’t say it to them.” 

“I can’t even imagine it. I’m so sorry Phil.” Dan said, cuddling back into him to comfort him. Running his hand up and down Phils arm that wrapped around him. 

He stayed silent for a while, his face buried in Dans curls and his hand on Dan’s back rubbing in circles. “Can I tell you a secret?” 

“You can always tell me anything Phil. You’re my new best friend and I want you to always feel safe with me.” 

“You’re my best friend too.” Phil said, and Dan could hear the smile, he knew that thought made him happy.

“But that’s the thing.” he said, which made Dan’s stomach sink. “Iris was my best friend and the first love of my life, and when she died I went a little bit crazy Dan. and I am so scared of that version of myself ever coming back. I love you already, and I want to be with you for a long time, I can see you in my life for the rest of my life, if I’m being completely honest. And that scares me just a tiny bit.”

“I’d like to have you in my life for the rest of it.” Dan chimed in, not knowing what to say to the rest of what Phil just said.

“Iris killed herself Dan.” Phil whispered, his voice low like he was fighting back all his emotions. “She drove us into another car on purpose because she was so depressed after Emily she wanted to die and she didn’t care that she could have taken us down with her.”

He started to cry, Dan didn’t know what to say or what to do. He went from being slightly cuddled into him to fully wrapped around him. Holding him close and wanting to cry himself. 

“She wrote a letter and left it in our room. That stupid room upstairs. She wanted to kill herself that day, she knew she was going to do it and she knew I’d come home and find the letter. Dan, she loved me and she did that to me. And it sucks that I still love her so much even though she put me through hell, almost killed our little girl and she was pregnant again. It’s so fucked up, Dan. she hurt me and I still love her so much.” 

Dan wiggled his way to sit up and pulled Phil up with him, his arms wrapped around him again and he was shushing him. “Hey, hey look at me. It’s normal to love the people who mean the most to you even if they fucked your life over. Your heart and your brain will never get along and that’s okay. It’s okay to still love her and be mad at her. She would understand. Hell, she’d be mad at you if you didn’t feel this way. She fucked up but she did what she believed was best for herself no matter how fucked up it was. But you’re here and you’re loved and you are doing okay. Emily loves you, your family loves you. And I do too.” 

Phil cried, he didn’t answer what Dan had said, he just cried into him. Dan felt all the warm tears on his shoulder, soaking the shirt Phil lent him. He sounded absolutely hurt beyond belief, and that hurt Dan to his core. To know that this man who he was falling in love with had been so fucking hurt before, he never wanted to hurt him like that. 

He kept him close, soothing him by rubbing his back and kissing his head. 

“I haven’t even told my mom that. She still thinks it was a freak accident. Only you know.” he sniffled into Dan’s shoulder.

“Oh my god Phil.” he said while his heart broke. The counsellor in him wanted to jump out, “How have you kept that a secret for 9 years?”

“With lots of booze at first, then my mum smacked some sense into me when she threatened to take Emily away from me.”

He sunk his face further into Phils neck. “Oh honey.” 

“I didn’t want to believe that she was that depressed and she never told me.” he pulled away from Dan, his face wet and his eyes puffy. “I know it’s not my fault but, she was depressed because she was a mum and she felt alone and like she wasn’t herself anymore. And I made her a mother, I got her pregnant, twice, and we rushed into it all and she was so unhappy she killed herself without ever telling me she was that unhappy.”

Dan started to cry, he scrunched his face trying to hold them in. “I’m sorry.” he said, hiding his hands in his face. “I’m so sorry” he muffled into his hands.

“Oh gosh Dan don’t be sorry I’m sorry I’m unloading all this on you.” Phil said with panic in his voice, reaching to hug Dan but Dan swatting his arms away.

He felt like he fucked up, like he knew Phil would hate him if he knew how depressed he used to be and how he never told anyone till it was almost to late. He didn’t want to know how Phil was mad at his dead wife for having depression and not telling him the same way Dan hadn’t lead on that he was depressed either. He didn’t want Phil to go from loving him to hating him if he knew Dan had a therapy appointment on Tuesday to talk about how the fuck he was going to let himself fall in love with a widower who also had a child as his first and hopefully only true love. 

“I have depression too.” he blurted out in the middle of his tears, “and I almost killed myself in twenty twelve and I hospitalized myself for a few weeks while Violet lived with my roommate and I don’t want you to hate me.” he was yelling at this point, scared and frustrated and over emotional.

Phil looked at him with more tears in his eyes, his head tilted to the side. “I’d never hate you.” he placed a hand on Dan’s knee, looking like he didn’t know if he was allowed to touch him anymore. “I don’t hate her either. I’m upset she never told me and that she almost killed my baby. You telling me this, and you still being here and being brave enough to get help makes me love you even more because you are brave and smart and wonderful and I love you.”

His heart felt full again, he hadn’t told anyone but Charlotte that seeing as she was watching his kid. To hear those words leave Phil’s mouth and to know that he was going to love him even with that baggage and maybe even through future depressive episodes meant a lot to him. He felt safe and loved and important to Phil.

He’d woken up that morning buring to tell Phil he loved him, barely getting it out while he was still asleep so he didn’t hear him and Dan didn’t have to feel like he told him. He woke up not thinking he’d actually say those words to Phil’s face. He woke up with no intention of Phil actually hearing those words. 

But as he sat there, looking into the eyes of a man who spilled his heart out on the floor before him, the same man who now knew his deepest and darkest secret and still liked him. Those words came fighting through every layer he built around his heart in an attempt for it to never be broken, they broke through and flew right out of him.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 14 is happy as heck i promise <3


	14. Chapter 14

After the emotional trip of a morning they had, when all the crying had stopped, Phil went to have a shower and changed, he let Dan borrow a pair of pants and they left for Phil’s parents place. Phil let Dan drive his suburban, still feeling a little shit from the morning he had, he shared a lot and opened his heart up to Dan, clearly more than he ever had to anyone. 

He held Dan’s hand the whole drive over, rubbing his thumb over it and humming to the music while he looked out the window. He was so unbelievably amazing, Dan had a hard time believing he was his boyfriend. 

When they pulled into the Lester’s driveway, there was a blue car that hadn’t been there the day before. “Oh god,” Phil said, becoming visibly nervous.

“What?” Dan asked, turning the car off and taking his seatbelt off while Phil just sat there.

“My brother is here. The last time I brought someone home he was such a typical big brother making jokes and making Iris feel kinda uncomfortable and I’m not ready for what he’s going to do to you.” Phil had turned a bright pink color, visibly a little flustered and anxious. 

Dan took his hand again, waiting for him to look at him instead of the car that caused this sudden anxiety, “I’m a big brother too, I know what it’s like to torment and I can take it and spit it back. Don’t worry babe.” 

“God, I love you.” Phil said, leaning in to kiss him softly. “He’s a dad now too, maybe he’ll be a little nicer.” 

“How new of a new dad?” Dan asked, he hadn’t held a new baby in ages and his paternal needs were starting to come through.

“I think Lia is like a month old now, maybe two months?” 

“Oh my god, lets go I need to see this baby.” he said, getting out of the car and waiting for Phil to follow, taking his hand and walking with him up the stairs and directly into the house. 

It felt weird not knocking, Phil grew up in this place, it was partly his and he could just walk right in, it was strange to him. But he followed Phil in. Taking his shoes off in the entryway and following Phil to the lounge where a beautiful red haired woman was cradling a small baby surrounded by the rest of the family. 

“We’re home!” Phil cheered as they entered the room. 

Everyone turned their attention to the two men holding hands in their lounge. Dan felt a little self conscious standing there in Phil’s old lounge in Phil’s clothes surrounded by Phil’s family. His mum and dad smiled at them, they looked like they knew they were official. The red haired woman looked a little confused, so did the man who was sat beside her, clearly Phil’s brother. 

“This is Dan.” he said, turning to look at him with big eyes and an even bigger smile. “My boyfriend.”

Dan smiled right back, a little in pride and a little in embarrassment. 

Phil’s brother got up and walked over to Dan, who let go of Phil’s hand thinking he was going to shake this man’s hand in and introduce himself but instead he was pulled into a hug. Apparently all the Lesters were touchy people. 

He pulled away and kept his hands on Dan’s shoulders, shaking him a little. “It’s so nice to meet you, Dan, I’m Martyn.” he let go of one shoulder, turning to point at the woman, “That is Cornelia my partner and our little girl Amelia.” 

“It’s nice to meet you too! I’m sure you’ve seen my Violet running around here somewhere.” Dan said, feeling obligated to introduce his child who wasn’t even in the room.

“Oh she’s yours? I thought she was just one of Em’s friends.”

“Oh no, she’s his and also Em’s best friend. They’re the reason this happened.” Phil butt in, taking Dans hand again, still smiling. 

“Come sit boys!” Katherine called, waving her hands to get them to sit near her. “I hope you’re hungry, I’ve got a Sunday roast in the oven.”

“Oh my gosh I haven’t had one of those in years!” Dan said, walking to sit beside her, Phil dragging behind him, still attached by their hands. 

“Well my son, you are in for a treat! My Katherine makes the best roast in all of England.” Phil’s father spoke from the chair on the other side of the room, the same place he had been when he dropped Vy off. “I’m Nigel by the way, thought I ought to introduce myself now that you’re family.”   
Dan’s heart sank to his stomach, he was family now? The thought of the man he was so madly in love with and his Family taking him in so fast with such open arms was amazing. His own fucking family had never been this sweet and close, they have never been the type to all hang out in the lounge and chat. His parents were closed off, his brother was a rebel teen the last time he saw him, his grandparents were really the only talkative people in his life. Until now. 

They chatted for a bit, asking Dan how the two of them met, what he did for a living and the dreaded question; how come he was a single parent. “One night stand as a sixteen year old boy with my best friend, before I knew I was gay.” he said letting out a deep breath. “We’re not close anymore and she doesn’t want to be in Violet’s life but that means I get to keep her to myself and I’m okay with that.”

“You’re such a good man! I couldn’t imagine doing this on my own!” Cornelia said, she sounded emotional. “This has been the most crazy thing I’ve done in my 40 years of life and I was in a swedish rock band for a few years.” she laughed, a sweet laughter that filled the room before the others joined in.

“Oh, it was very rough but I had my mom’s help, and then I moved here when she was two and my roommate was a midwife in training so I’ve had some very good helpers in my life.” Dan added once they stopped giggling about the small red haired woman being in a rock band. 

“And now he has me. And all of us.” Phil spoke softly, his hand on Dan’s crossed knee with his thumb rubbing circles over it. 

Everyone was smiling, Cornelia looked a little emotional, probably the post baby hormones. “That’s so sweet. Being part of this family has been really amazing I’m glad we have you now Dan.” she said, and Dan could hear the sincereness in her voice. “Would you like to hold Lia? I’m getting emotional I need to step out for a moment.” 

“I’d love to!” Dan said quick, he had been dying to get his hands on that sweet baby. 

She walked over and placed the beautiful little creature in Dan’s arms. Kissing the babies head stepping back, “Come on Mook I want to go to the garden for a moment.”

The two of them left, leaving Dan with a beautiful baby girl in his arms and an even more beautiful man looking over his shoulder at her. She had that Lester look about her that all Phil’s family had. She looked like Martyn who looked like Katherine and Phil and even Emily. They were all so beautiful.

He looked down at her, remembering the first time he held his little Violet. Lia was so much tinier, but with the same soft skin and wonderful baby smell. She had little bits of strawberry blonde hair that ran in the family, probably even in Phil under all that black box dye he had. 

He held her out in front of him, looking at her sweet little face, bringing her in to kiss her head and take a smell of that sweet fresh baby smell. She was so perfect and innocent and every part of him wanted to have another baby. He missed having a small baby, he missed so much of it when he was at school, and he regrets not appreciating all the time he did spend with Vy when she was this tiny.

In the time he had been gushing over her, Katherine had left to check the roast and Nigel had fallen asleep in his recliner. It was just him and Phil softly awing over the little creature in his arms. 

“I want another baby one day, I’ve always wanted to have three kids.” Dan whispered, wanting the moment to stay between him and Phil and not reach to the kitchen or into Nigel’s sleeping ears. 

Phil kissed his clothed shoulder, “We’ve been dating for one day, love, we can’t have kids already.” he joked, laughing at himself.

If he wasn’t holding a baby, he would have swatted at Phil… instead he just gave him a look, “Oh bugger off, I’m just saying if you’re really going to be a part of my future I’d like you to know I want more kids in it.” 

“Well,” he said, “with yours mine and one day ours, we’d have three. Just like you’ve always wanted.” 

“Sounds like a plan.” he replied, perking his lips for Phil to reach in and kiss softly. He laid his head on Dan’s shoulder after, still looking down at Lia with his finger now in her hand. Everything felt perfect.

-

Dinner was absolutely amazing, the girls loved that they got to sit together at the breakfast bar while the adults all sat at the table together. Katherine made a joke about having to get a bigger table now that the family was growing, and Dan felt a pain in his heart. They had a big happy family and Dan loved being welcomed into it. 

Martyn and Phil cleaned up while Dan sat with Cornelia and the baby, they talked about what it was like for children to grow up and how wonderful it is to bring life into the world. They talked as if they had known each other for years, like this wasn’t the first time they were meeting, rather they were catching up after a long time of not seeing each other.

The girls ran off after dinner, back outside to play in the garden the way they had been all day. Singing and dancing, running after each other with toys and ribbons, just living the childhood dream together. He watched them from the window in the lounge, tumbling down the hill, trying to do cartwheels, they were absolutely adorable. 

Phil surprised him by walking up behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist and placing his head on his shoulder, having to tippy toe a bit to reach it. “It’s nice seeing our kids play in my childhood garden. I’m glad it’s getting some use again finally.”

Dan smiled to himself, wrapping his arms back around Phil, ‘our kids’ was meant as both of their children, one of his and one of Phil’s, but the words ‘our kids’ echoed in his ears, making him believe that one day he would have more, and one day those children of his could be also Phil’s, and the ‘our kids’ would be just that, theirs. 

“Come for a walk with me?” Phil whispered in his ear after a few moments of watching out the window. 

They put their shoes on, covered each other in bug spray cause the last thing Dan needed was to be itchy for days on end, and headed out the door. Hand in hand they walked over to the girls, and Phil asked if they wanted to come too.

The four of them walked down the path from the garden to a gate, through the gate there was a field of flowers and a weird old abandoned building. 

“This was my favorite place to run around with my friends as a kid.” Phil said, pointing at it before holding the gate open for them to all walk through. 

That thought made him smile, all he seemed to do with Phil was smile. He couldn’t help it, this man made him happier than he’d ever been in his whole life. It was different and amazing to have someone other than Vy make him this happy in everything they did. 

It was a lovely little walk, the girls running and skipping around them while they just walked hand in hand together. Through the flowers, around the building, just the 4 of them happy in this little world they were starting together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 15 might take me a while to write, so i'm not sure when it'll be up but i cant wait to share what happens next with you all <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is heavy, its a lot. i cried 5 times while writing it and my beta katie did too. Her exact reaction was actually "EM I'M FUCKED UP" so uh, enjoy and dont hate me too much. there is another chapter coming friday, and i promise things will get happier again soon <3

Phil drove them home that night, leaving him and Violet at their home, both kinda upset to be back. It was apparent that she had the best time of her life, and Dan had too. Even though it was a school night, he let her stay up a little later and tell him about it as well as let them catch up. It was weird not seeing her for a night, not tucking her into bed and giving her a quick kiss on the head, he’d done that almost every night for nearly 12 years.

She ended up falling asleep in his bed, they had a sleepover with each other. His little, but not so little girl cuddled into him, asleep and peaceful. She was safe and happy and healthy, everything in her life was as good as he could make it, and it was all he ever wanted for her.

Monday went by fast, she went to school and he went to work, they came home and did their own things, had dinner and went to sleep just to do it all again the next day. Only dinner on Tuesday would be at Phil’s, when he went to pick her up after his therapy session. 

He wasn’t even sure why he was going to therapy anymore, he’d completely lost that scared feeling of potentially loving someone's husband. He loved a man who was once a husband, but even Phil knew he was free and able to move on. But he walked into Shannon’s office that afternoon anyway.

She always greeted him at her door with a hug, learning years ago that that was often what he needed. Placing a hand on his back and walking with him to the table they sat at for each session. 

Her hair was shorter than last time, the brown and grey curls more prominent with this haircut. She had one of her classic knitted sweaters on, it was beige with a lovely crochet pattern on the front. And she smelled a little like his grandmother used to, which was something he didn’t know he missed. 

When people think therapy, they normally think someone lying down on a couch telling their life story, but with Shannon, she liked for her clients to pick a spot they felt comfortable. For some of her clients they walked around, some sat on the floor, but her and Dan got the best work done sitting at a table across from each other while Dan talked to her about his life. 

“What brings you in here today, Daniel?” she asked, She was actually Canadian, born and raised but living in England with her husband. Her voice was sweet and comforting, from the first time he heard her voice he knew he felt safe with her.

“I met someone, and I made this appointment 2 days after meeting him because I already knew I was falling in love with him, and I broke down on the phone with my friend Louise, the YouTuber one, ‘cause Phil was married and his wife killed herself and I slept with this woman's husband and I’m falling in love with him, it was a terrifying thought,” he started to waffle, it happened every time he started to explain something to her, it came out in gibberish and she had to slowly interpret it. 

“Slower Dan. Who is Phil, how did you meet, start there.” 

He took a deep breath, laying his hands on the table, he normally talked with his hands a lot with her. “Phil Lester is the father of my child's best friend. I had invited his daughter, Emily, over for a sleepover with Violet. I wrote a note for Vy to take to Emily for her to bring home to him with my number and saying Violet really wanted to spend a weekend with Emily and I’d pick them up from school, he wrote a letter back at first saying it would be great. When the day finally came he texted me to say her things were in the office and they knew I was picking her up. Then I had to call him later that night because Emily got her first period and we ran out of pads and I asked him to go and get some for us.” 

Shannon nodded and wrote everything down as she followed Dan’s story.

“We talked while he was at Boots and while he was driving to mine because he was a little shaken up and scared, he is also a single dad so I understood. Then when he walked into my house he was the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on Shannon, he was breathtaking, and the whole time we talked he was so calming and kind and even just from texting him earlier in the day he was like someone I had known my whole life, I had an instant connection to him like he was always meant to be in my life. It was crazy.”

She smiled at him, big and wide with her teeth, “It’s very rare to meet people who do that for you, but you said that falling in love with him was scaring you? Why’s that?”

“Well, there’s a lot more to cover from the first day I met him”

“Go on then.” 

He took another deep breath, feeling his chest fill with anxiety. It wasn’t the first time he’d told her about having sex with someone, and it wasn’t the first time she’d heard all his raw emotions laid out like this but every time he did it, it was still absolutely terrifying.

“Vy told me, when he was talking to Emily in my front hall, that he had a type and he’d probably think I was cute, she told Emily I was straight and I actually came out to Violet that night.” he twiddled his thumbs, Shannon knew how hard it was for him to come out to the rest of his family, rather how hard it was to be outed to them. So this was a big step.

“I’m very proud of you Daniel.” she said, still smiling at him, as if she was a proud mother. More proud than his real mother ever was when he came out.

“And then when the girls went back upstairs we watched a movie and ate popcorn. And he touched my leg and sat very close to me. Then the girls went to bed and he was still over, watching pretty woman with me. And then as soon as it ended he asked to kiss me, and we ended up having the most passionate and amazing sex I’ve ever had in my whole life, up until our date this weeked. Sorry if that's too much.”

“I’ve heard worse, don’t worry.” she said with a laugh.

“Okay good, but we really connected and it wasn’t like anything I’d done before ‘cause he was very talkative and he wanted to make sure I was happy and okay the whole time, and then after we had a bath together. It was like the scene from pretty woman and we talked about our lives and I felt so connected to him. I fell in love with him then and there, I think.”

He took a pause, neither of them said anything, he bit the inside of his lip almost a little too hard. “He was the first person to ever spend the night beside me after having sex with me. He’s also the first person I’ve ever really wanted to wake up beside. And then that morning I actually woke up alone because he was in my kitchen making pancakes for our kids. He came in to get me after they had eaten to kiss me and tell me he really liked me and wanted to see me more, and then he told me about his wife.

“He’d been wanting to move on for a long time but never felt right about it, but he said she came to him in a dream and told him it was okay- that he was ready and that she would have liked me if she knew me.”

“That’s very common in-” shannon started to speak, “I know that’s what I told him.” Dan cut her off.

“And then when he was gone I called my friend Louise to tell her I got laid and she ended up facebook stalking him and she knew his wife, she knew her through YouTube. Louise had said his wife was an advocate for mental health and Lou got into her blog and videos cause she had PPD and Lou had PTSD from her first kid. Then I kinda cried ‘cause I thought like ‘oh no I slept with this woman’s husband I am a terrible man but now, I’ve been with him for 2 weeks, we’re dating officially and he’s not just her husband, he’s my best friend now.”

She hummed, writing it all down, Dan half expected more of a response from her but he knew she was going to ask more, he knew he also had more to tell. That the reason he was still a little scared was yet to come up and she was about to start digging. He’d been in this exact position too many times to expect anything different. 

She pursed her lips, “You said she killed herself?”

“Oh, yeah.” Dan felt guilty and ashamed. It wasn’t his secret to tell, he shouldn’t have said anything. “There’s still so much more before that part, it’s been a crazy few weeks for me.”

He took another breath, it was about to go deep and he wasn’t sure he was ready. “Saturday night he said he loved me when he thought I was asleep, then when I woke up and he was still asleep I said I love you too. When he finally did wake up, we had a talk about it and I told him I wasn’t going to say it out loud yet cause that would be a big step for me. I haven’t loved anyone since, well, since-”

“Since Sarah.” Shannon said.

That smacked him right in the stomach. He never told Phil why he wouldn’t say it, and he never even thought it in the moment because it was too hard. It took 6 sessions with Shannon for him to ever say the sentence, ‘Sarah wasn’t the love of my life, she was my friend soulmate.’ at first, but he’d never touched more on his feelings around her than that.

It had taken him almost his whole life to associate the feelings he had for Sarah with ones of love instead of just friendship. He loved his best friend as his best friend. He’d never love her in a sexual way like she’d wanted, and that’s why she left him and Violet. 

“The love I had for Sarah was just like a family type of love. She had been my friend since birth, she was my only friend forever. When I had sex with her I knew I loved her, I thought I was bi, I thought it would work and I broke her heart when I finished and left her alone in that bed because I didn’t love her the way she wanted me too. Because I’d never love a woman the way she wanted me to.” his voice louder, not quite yet a yell because he knew Shannon didn’t deserve that. He felt all his emotions leaving his body in both the form of angry words and the tears building in his eyes.

“You’ve never told me that part, the part where you feel guilty for what you did to her. You’ve only ever touched on what she’s done to you.” Shannon smacked back, her words hitting him like a punch to the gut.

“I am guilty, I am also an asshole. I had sex with her and did what I thought i needed to do but as soon as it was done my drunk mind spat out the words ‘I think I’m gay.’ and then I went to the bathroom and passed out. I left her there and when I woke up the next morning she was gone and she texted me that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. I deserved that part. But I didn’t deserve her telling the whole school, and my parents, I was a fag before she even told me she was pregnant with my kid.” he was fully crying at this point, tears falling down his face while he beat himself up over his past.

“And the worst part, Shannon, is that I still love her. She is still like family to me. She is the mother of my child and I still feel like she is my best friend even when she’s made me feel as bad as I probably made her feel and I haven’t seen her in eleven years.”

“That’s normal Dan, it really is. I don’t think you can ever unlove someone no matter how much time has passed.” Shannon tried to soothe him, take him out of this hurt state they’d both put him in.

“And that there is why I am so scared to love Phil. I still love sarah and I fucked it all up, and he still loves his wife even though she drove them into another car to kill herself and she didn’t even care that she could have killed him too.” He spat out, his anger building as he said it. “She wanted to die, she wanted to because she hated being a mother and she was pregnant again. She never even told Phil that, he found out from the coroner. He’s also never told anyone but me this and it’s making me more angry than scared right now as I’m telling you.”

“What do you mean he’s never told anyone that his wife killed herself?” She looked puzzled at that part.

“Phil and his family thought it was a fluke accident, that she didn’t see the car coming and that she just hit it by accident. But he said when he got home from the hospital finally, he was already mourning and he came across a letter she had written in their bedroom. It was a suicide note, she had planned it all.” his emotions taking the best of him, more tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“Why does that make you so emotional Dan?”

He bit his lip again. Looking at her with his head tilted and tears in his eyes. He didn’t want to say it very loud, or even at all for that matter because he was going to break down. 

“It makes me emotional because I love him.” he whispered, “and I love him so much already after two weeks that it’s hard to think she could have taken him away that day and I’d never have him now. I’d never know what real love feels like and I’d never have gotten to be this happy.” he broke down into deep sobs, covering his face with his hands. 

They left the session there.

It was probably the roughest session he’d had in his whole life, worse than when he walked in there in 2012 asking for an intake because he wanted to kill himself. He walked out of her office with a blank face, red and puffy from the crying, he walked to the lift, going upstairs. He got off and walked right to his receptionist. 

“I’m going to need a mental health day tomorrow.” he said, not even saying hello to her. 

She smiled lightly, probably in pity of his sad yet emotionless state. “We’ll have someone on intake cover your two clients, feel better Dan.”

“Thank you.” he said grabbing his coat and bag, leaving the building.

He sat in his car, he took out his phone and went to text Phil. The contact name Dad Phil wasn’t really needed anymore, he was going to be the only Phil he texted for a while, and the dad was really only so he’d remember who he was. How the fuck would he ever forget him now?

He changed it to just Phil with a heart emoji beside it. 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
Leaving now, i dont think we can stay for dinner i’m not feeling really well after all that.

Instantly, he had a text back.

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
Awe :( why dont you go home and i’ll bring Vy home later after dinner with some for you if you’d like?

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
I’d love that, i love you. Thank you <3

To: Dan  
From: Phil  
I love you too, i’ll see you soon!

He smiled, putting his phone away and leaving the lot. He drove home with his mind and heart feeling heavy but also relieved. It was nice to get it out, but it still killed him that this stuff even hurt him in the first place. 

At home, he sat on the couch watching Louise’s new vlog, it was about declutter. How fitting, he’d just ridden his heart and mind of all the pain he’d internalized for 11 years, but it didn’t feel as good as it would have if the pain was actually old coats he was getting rid of. 

The vlog ended, another one started, he sat there with them playing for 2 hours before his front door opened to a kid running though his house to hug him, the cheer of a second child and a familiar voice he loved echoing through his house. 

“We’re home!” Phil yelled, and Dan smiled. His first smile in a while.

Violet came crashing into him, jumping onto him on the couch where he was lying down and hugging him. Then on top of her there was Emily hugging her and suddenly Phil climbed over them and shoved himself into the inside of the couch so he could join without squishing the girls. 

He kissed Dan on the cheek and wrapped his arms around the girls, Dan felt more love in that moment than he had in his whole life. They were all laughing, the hug lasted until Emily got off, to which Violet followed and Phil wrapped his leg and arm around Dan and pulled him in closer and kissed him on the mouth.

“Ewwwww” the girls said in unison. Which only made Dan want to kiss Phil back harder.

They pulled back and giggled, it was the first time they’d kissed in front of their kids, they felt giddy like they’d done something they weren’t supposed to but loved every second of it. 

After they were done being grossly cute, the girls ran off to Violet's room, while Phil started rummaging around in the kitchen, putting some curry he’d packed in small containers onto a plate and into the microwave. 

Dan sat at the counter, watching Phil in awe as he heated his food up and placed it in front of him. “I had a hard session today, but what I walked away with was that I love you very much and I’m grateful to have you in my life.” Dan said, not looking at him, he was still a little afraid to see the reaction to his words.

Phil’s mouth opened in shock, Dan heard it. “I love you too.” He finally looked up to see Phil’s glossy eyes and smile, he meant it, and Dan never felt better.

***

Phil and Emily left right before Violet’s bedtime, they all said goodbye with plans of seeing each other again that weekend. Violet showered before bed, coming back to Dan’s bedroom with her jammies on to have her wet hair brushed and her nails painted. It was a nice little moment with her that Dan needed before he took her upstairs and tucked her into bed. 

On his way back from her room, he heard his phone ringing in the living room where he’d left it when he got home. 

“Patricia Corey” Lit up on his screen. Sarah’s mother was calling him which was unusual, she only normally texted him and even then it was only around Violet’s birthday and Christmas to ask if she got her card, that’s it. 

“Hello?” he asked as he picked up.

“Hi Daniel,” her voice shaky and upset. “Um, i don’t know how to really say this but, Sarah passed away this morning.”

His heart sank. “What?” he whispered, this was the last thing he expected after the day he had.

“She had stage four skin cancer, we’ve only known a few months but it finally took her this morning. We’d like to have the funeral next Wednesday, and we’d like for you and Violet to come.” she spoke calmly, as if she’d shifted to being a professional in the last 2 sentences.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah we’ll be there.” he said in shock, not really knowing what to do or say at all. 

“Thank you Daniel, it would mean a lot to us and her family. Violet has a brother you know, his name is Matthew, he’s four and I’d like for them to meet. It’s sad it’s this way but as a family we’ll heal better.” she started to go back into sadness, Dan head the thickness in her voice, she was about to cry.

He scrambled his brain trying to think of any type of response that wasn’t manic crying like he wanted to do. “Yes of course, text me the address and I’ll be there. Do you need anything? I’ll do anything for you?” 

“We’re okay Daniel, thank you. I have to go now, I’ll see you soon.” she said before hanging up. 

He didn’t know what to say or think. He sat his phone down on the table he’d picked it up from only a few minutes before, and walked back into his bedroom. Closing and locking the door before laying facedown on his floor, crying his eyes out.


	16. Chapter 16

“Hello My love,” Phil said as he picked up the phone, it was unusual for Dan to call him at 1pm on a work day, he was normally too busy to even text him.

“Phil?” a small voice came down the line.

“Violet?” he asked, even more puzzled than before, “Why aren’t you in school?”

“Dad never woke me up, I’ve tried calling around the house for him but I can’t find him anywhere, his door is locked and the car is in the driveway but I’m scared I don’t know where he is or why he didn’t get me.” her little voice trembling as she started to cry.

“Oh my, okay well I’ll be over in 15 minutes, can I call you right back I have to tell my boss I’m leaving work but I will call you to keep you company while I’m driving if that’s okay?” Phil said to her, calming her the way he would to Emily if she was scared. 

“Thank you Phil.” she said softly.

“No problem dear, I’ll call right back, okay? Goodbye.”

“Bye.” she said as she hung up.

Phil’s stomach was in his ass, where was Dan? What was happening? Was he okay? His mind was racing, he was terrified. He walked from his desk to his boss, not caring to turn the computer off or grab his coat, he smacked his left butt cheek to make sure his wallet was there, and his keys jingled on his belt loop. 

“I have to go, my kid is hurt, I can’t” he said with a panic walking right past his boss to the lift before he got a response from her. He really didn’t care, he needed to make sure Dan was okay. 

He hadn’t felt this scared since Dan called him about Violet getting her period, the first time he heard his voice, the first time he felt safe and connected to Dan. The first time he realized he could love someone again. 

He texted his Mum before he called Violet back.

To: Mum  
From: Phil  
124 Oak Ave Middleton something happened to Dan i need help

He didn’t bother looking back to see what she was going to say, he called Dan’s phone back.

“Hi.” Violet picked up as the lift reached the ground floor.

“Are you okay?” was the first thing he asked, running through the lobby to the car park, unlocking his car and getting in.

“I’m scared I haven’t not known where my Dad was since I was little and we lived with Charlotte. She normally watches me when Dad’s out or sad but I’m alone I don’t know what’s happening?” she sounded very scared, her voice cracking as she spoke. It was very different from the happy conversations they had at his dinner table the night before.

He spoke as soft and calmly as he could, he didn’t want to scare her with how freaked out he was. “I know honey, I’m on my way and so is my Mum, I’m going to have her take you and Emily to her place for the night while I make sure your Dad is okay, does that sound good?” 

“Yeah I’d like that. She makes good food and I’ve just been eating cereal cause there’s nothing else I know how to make.” 

“Oh I bet you’re starving? My Mum will make you anything you want tonight okay?”

“Thank you Phil, I know my dad loves you, I didn’t know who else to call.” 

His heart broke a little. She could have called her grandmother, she could have called that Charlotte woman they always talked about. She could have even called the woman from the breakfast place who was close to Dan. But she called him, she wanted him to come help because she knew Dan would have wanted to see him too. 

“We’ll I’m almost there, is the door unlocked? Can I walk right in?” he asked, not wanting to freak her out by barging into her house or kicking the door down like he wanted to.

“Um, let me go unlock it and you can come, oh?” she stopped talking suddenly.

“Violet?” he called down the line, hearing her unlock the door and open it.

“Your mums here with your dad.” she said, he heard their voices calling to her as well as a small ‘is that phil?’ from his mother in the background.

He heard the phone being handed off to someone, the rough sound of wind and hands coming down the line. “Phil dear where are you, what’s happening?”

“She called me saying she couldn’t find her father and she wasn’t at school we don’t know what’s happening.” he explained with a lump in his throat, he wanted to cry.

He turned onto Dans street, seeing his family on Dan’s front lawn and parking on the road, he hung up and rushed out of his car. “Take her home, can you pick up Emily? I’m going to find him.”

“Phil dear,” his mother called after him as he ran up the stairs and into the house.

“Go!” he called.

He was terrified. He knew Dan had depression. He knew he had a bad day yesterday. He knew how easily he could lose someone. He closed the door and ran down to Dan’s room.

“Dan? Dan open up!!” he yelled at the closed door. He fought back tears as he yelled again and again, by the fourth time he called his name he was terrified. 

He backed up, lifted his leg and put all his weight into kicking the door down. He broke at the hinge and hung on by the lock, he kicked it again and watched as it split along the edge and fly open. He caught his breath and walked in on Dan in a ball crying on the floor. 

He didn’t know what to do other than get on the floor too and wrap his whole body around him, holding him close and shushing him as he cried along. He was still scared, he pulled away from him enough to see he wasn’t hurt physically. There was no bleeding or bottles or anything around him to allude to the thought that he was going to kill himself too.

“I’m here it’s okay, what’s happening Dan? I’ve been so scared.” he chanted as he rocked Dan a small bit. “I love you so much Dan.”

He just cried harder. As much as he wanted to ask what was wrong and learn what upset the person he was so head over heels in love with, he let him cry, holding him close and letting out a few tears of his own. 

It really hurt to see Dan like this, so broken and hurt. More than he was the other morning when he’d shared his secrets with him, he hated it. He hated hearing the sobs, feeling him shake as he cried, his body so limp and almost lifeless on the floor. He’d clearly been there a long time. 

But the part that hurt him the most to see Dan like this, it was the fact that he didn’t tell him. The fact he never would have told him if Phil didn’t find him. The fact that he could have lost the 2nd person he’d ever loved the way he lost his first.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise extra chapter today! i did a pole on twitter and people said they'd like an extra chapter this week seeing as i'm just banging them out ahead of time! enjoy!!

He’d gone and done it again. After almost 6 years without an episode of completely losing it all and crying or turning off on the floor it happened again. This time he lived alone, this time there was no one to watch Violet, this time he really fucked up…

He could hear it all. He heard all the ways he was fucking up. 

He heard Violet calling his name, he heard her sitting at his door asking if he was home and okay, he heard her crying. He heard her yelling for him in panic and fear, and then he heard her say Phil’s name, heard her explaining she was scared and couldn’t find her dad. 

All he could do was cry. His best friend died. The mother of his child died. And all literally on the day he finally admitted to himself how fucked up their situation was and how much he missed her. And she fucking died. She had moved on, clearly. She had a kid, maybe even a husband. She had a whole new life in the 9 years he’d been in Manchester. She’d carried on, probably just as fucked up as he was, and she made herself a life as well.   
The hardest part though was that he couldn’t do anything at the moment but cry. He wanted to be strong and get up and open the door and hold his daughter and tell her that her mother who never wanted either of them had passed away. He wanted to be okay, he wanted to call Phil himself and explain what happened and ask him to take Violet to school and then stay with him and hold him for hours while he cried. But instead he left her out there, sad and scared while he stayed in a ball crying his eyes out as quiet as he could so she wouldn’t hear him. 

Instead, Phil was probably scared rushing over not knowing what was wrong because Dan kept it to himself, his week pity filled self, when he should have told him. He wanted to tell him, he wanted to be different from Iris and tell Phil when he was having a bad day and love him the way he deserved, but he couldn’t. So he cried harder, letting Phil down as well as Sarah and Violet.

Then he heard Phil. His deep voice that was normally so calming and wonderful to him when chanting his name, he heard it turn to panic. His voice was almost angry, shouting Dan’s name through the door. Again and again he yelled Dan’s name, when suddenly his door was kicked down and Phil was wrapped around him, shushing him, rocking him and telling him he loved him. 

The unsteady tears came back, the ones that took the wind from him and made him want to almost puke at how intense they were. He couldn’t stop crying at all. He was so heartbroken, and on top of that he was sorry. He couldn’t believe that he let himself do this, he was finally in a good place in his life and one phone call ruined everything he’d worked towards. 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered. He gathered enough energy to turn around into Phil and hold him back. 

“It’s okay, as long as you’re okay. Are you okay? I love you so much.” Phil said to him, his voice back to that soft and calming loveliness he fell in love with. He didn’t sound mad or upset like Dan feared. He still said ‘I love you’, he must have still meant it.

He wanted to answer, he wanted to tell Phil he loved him too and that he was alright, only he didn’t know if he was alright. He felt so empty, useless, broken, like he had been drained of all life and he never wanted to move on from this feeling again. He felt like he deserved the hurt, like he was meant to be broken, that he’d fucked up so bad if Phil left him or if Violet was taken away from him, he deserved it. 

“I’m sorry.” he said again, it felt like it was the only thing he could say. Because he was sorry. He was sorry he broke Sarah’s heart, he was sorry he wasn’t there for her the last 11 years, he was sorry he didn’t get to say that to her before she died. He was sorry he was so weak he hid in his room. He was sorry he didn't get help this time. He was sorry he didn’t tell Phil like he thought he would if he ever needed him. And he was sorry he left Violet alone all day, sorry he made her cry and sorry that Phil had to see him this way. 

Phil sat up, hauling Dan up with him and holding him in his lap. “I don’t know what happened, but you’re okay. I’m here and I won't let anything happen to you. Violet is with my parents and Emily, it’s just us if you feel like telling me. Even if you don’t just yet it’s fine. Do you want a shower? It’ll make you feel better, I’ll come in with you and wash your hair if you want and then I’ll order us some food. Whatever you want I’ll get it because I love you and I want to take care of you.”

Phil’s eyes were glossy, making the blue more magnificent than ever. He loved looking into them more than anything else in his life. They made him feel safe and incredibly loved, he was starting to come back to himself. 

“Sarah died.” he whispered, not taking his eyes off Phil. His bottom lip quivering before he broke down again. 

“Oh, honey.” Phil said, placing his head on Dan’s and rocking him slightly. “I’m so sorry my love, oh god I know how you feel.” 

“I know.” Dan whispered into his neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Is that why you didn’t call me? You didn’t want to talk to me about losing a loved one cause you knew I knew that feeling all to well?” Phil asked.

“No.” He said pulling back, feeling the coldness of Phil’s words. Feeling a tiny bit hurt that he thought this was even in the slightest about him. “It’s because I just had the worse depressive episode of my life and didn’t even register that I had been on the floor crying all day till you had your arms wrapped around me.”

He shook his head, covering his eyes with one hand while the other still held Dan. “I’m so sorry, Dan.” 

“I don’t want to sound mean, but I wasn’t thinking about you or anyone other than Sarah in these last 2 days.” he said, raising his voice a bit. It was cracked and harsh from all the crying he’d done. “I had the hardest therapy session of my life, I admitted to myself after 11 years that I was a fucking dick for breaking her heart, and that I still love her and miss her as my best friend and she fucking died Phil. I wasn’t thinking about anyone but her.”

Phil took a deep breath, looking him dead in the eyes. “I’m sorry that the last person I loved killed herself and didn’t tell me she was upset, and I’m sorry that’s made me scared of losing anyone else I love too. You don’t know how fucking scary it was to have your kid call me crying saying she didn’t know where he dad was after you told me you had depression too. I can’t help but be selfish when the people I love always leave me.”

They were both crying. Soft tears left Phils eyes and fell down his cheeks as he look Dan in the eyes. Dan didn’t know what to say or what to do. “I love you. And I never want to leave you.”

“I love you too.” he said back before pulling Dan in for a kiss. It was soft, wet from all the tears and a bit salty when Dan licked Phil’s bottom lip so he could make out with him. All he ever wanted was Phil, so he was going to take all the time he could get. They both knew that sometimes there wasn’t enough time in the world when it came to being with the person they loved. 

They stayed on the floor making out with each other for a few minutes, Dan sitting up more to sit in his lap and holding his cheeks with his hands. He loved Phil so much. He pulled away, “I’m sorry.” he whispered against his lips. 

“It’s okay. At least the first fight is out of the way.” Phil giggled back. 

Dan stayed in his arms for a minute, resting his head on Phils shoulder. He smelled like aged wood, and also a bit like the sea. His cologne filling Dan’s senses, making him feel like he was home. He knew he was in his home, but having Phil there, feeling him and smelling him and listening to his breathing in his ear settled him into that feeling of home he always craved. 

He was going to be okay. Yeah he was a dick to Sarah 11 years ago, and he hurt her then, but she was a grown woman. Maybe she’d moved on since then, emotionally wise. She probably loved another, she was surrounded by those she loved when she died, she was loved and supported, and even if Dan wasn’t there that day with her. He was thinking about her and admitting he loved her on her last day. 

He was going to be okay. He was going to go to that funeral and pay his respects, tell her family he loved her and even let her know. Whether that was telling her if she was in a casket or holding her urn. He was going to say sorry and say he loved her one last time, because they both deserved it.

He was also okay because he had Phil. The wonderful man who dropped everything and ran to him. The man who broke his door. Actually broke his fucking door down like some prince charming to rescue him. The man who he would love for the rest of his life even when he wanted to yell at him. The man who made him smile from doing nothing, the man who held him close, who shared his life with him, who cried when he cried. The man who loved him with his whole heart, the same way Dan loved him with all of his. 

“I’m going to go take that shower now, join me in ten minutes? I feel gross I just want to feel a bit cuter before you see me naked.” he said pulling away and standing up. 

“Does that mean were going to have post fight passionate make up sex?” Phil asked with a cheeky smile.

Dan laughed as he walked to the bathroom, leaning against the bathroom door the same way he had the first time they had sex. “Yes, with a touch of I’m depressed and need cheering up sex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you ever want extra info on when i'm posting or thoughts on how writing is going follow my twitter @deathielhowell 
> 
> New chapter tomorrow as well!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MEET DAN AND PHIL TOMORROW WISH ME LUCK

The sex started in the shower. It included Dan on his knees while Phil washed his hair and getting soap in his eyes, it moved on to Dan being pressed up against the glass moaning as Phil stuck his tongue in his ass. To right now as he laid soaking wet on his bed, waiting for Phil to return with the lube and a condom. 

Phil crawled back on the bed, staying on his knees between Dan’s open legs. He placed the condom on himself and then popped the cap on the lube, spreading it over his fingers on his right hand before dropping the bottle. He placed his left hand beside Dans side and leaned down to kiss him while he worked him open. 

Dan held him close, holding him made everything feel better. Knowing he was still loved, that he had someone to love and that he wasn’t alone made him feel better. He was still sad over Sarah, he was always going to be sad about what happened… but he had to let himself feel happy for a bit. 

He had to pull himself from his thoughts, he didn’t want to get emotional again in the middle of sex. It was starting to become his thing. He always ran off with his thoughts when things got quiet. He pulled back, kissing Phil’s jaw and whispering into it, “Can you talk to me? I’m getting emotional again.” he wanted to be completely honest with him forever and always. 

“What about?” he asked, his voice low the way Dan loved it.

“Anything. I just need to take my thoughts away.” 

Phil was already 3 fingers deep, stretching him without hitting his prostate, probably wanting to do that when he fucked him. He pulled his fingers out. “Well,” he said pulling away from him. “I ran three red lights on my way over here.” 

“Phil!” Dan shrieked, not from pleasure rather in disbelief. “Why?”

“I needed to come rescue the love of my life.” he whispered. Running his hands down Dan’s chest as he sat back, gripping his cock to add more lube to it before lining up with him. 

Dan just shook his head. “I love you so much.” 

Phil smiled, back at him, his eyes wide and blown out with pleasure. “I love you more.”

He started to push in, Dan felt the stretch remembering how much he loved getting fucked by Phil, and even more, how much he loved making love with him. “Prove it.” he replied, cheeky in every sense. 

Phil leaned back over him, he pushed all the way in. now both arms were holding him up over Dan. “I will.” he said, so close to Dan’s mouth their lips touched and he felt his breath on him. 

He started to thrust, Dan felt him angling himself up so that he could his his prostate dead on each time. He’d somehow memorized exactly where it was already, always managing to him it sending shocks through Dan’s body. 

Dan wrapped his arms around him, pulling him in closer and then wrapping his legs around Phil’s as well. Phil had his forehead rested on Dan’s, looking down into his eyes while he made love to him. Dan tilted his chin up a little to kiss him lightly. He wasn’t in the mood for hot and rough sex that made them breathe erratically and kiss with open mouths. He wanted the slow and steady, longing looks and chaste kisses, running his hands all over Phil’s body, memorizing every bump and freckle. He loved him, he wanted to make love to him. 

They stayed like that for what felt like a million hours, slowly fucking while they kissed each other. Saying “I love you” every few minutes, moaning at the intense longing feeling of slow sex while it slowly built up. Dan felt himself getting close, the familiar heat that normally built fast lingering there as Phil slowly but surely thrusted in and out of him, hitting his prostate every time. 

Phil had moved his hand to being on Dans cheek, stroking his thumb over his cheek while he looked him in the eyes. “I’m so lucky I found you.”

Dan smiled, “We’re lucky that we found each other.” he said before kissing Phil for the billionth time. 

“I love you so much, more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. And I’m going to love you for the rest of my life. I’ll always put you first, I’ll always be here for you. I love you so much Daniel Howell.” he spoke, his words soft, but they still hit him like a punch to the gut. 

He never knew he had a thing for praise, or loving gestures in bed, but when it came to Phil, it wasn’t a surprise that he got off on it. “I’m going to come.” Dan said, lightly so that it was barely a whisper. 

“Come for me beautiful, I love you so much.” Phil said, picking up the pace.

He came with a shout of Phil’s name. Feeling it spread across their chests in bursts, his body went numb, relaxing back into the pillows, his arms falling off Phil’s back. That orgasm felt like it could have killed him. 

Dan used all his raiming energy to chant; “I love you so much, I love you, I love you, I love you.” 

He fet Phil bury his face into his neck as he came, breathing heavy and not making a sound as he did so. He pulled out and dropped onto Dan, feeling almost as lifeless as Dan felt. 

“I love you too.” Phil said in between kissing the space below Dan’s ear. “I love you so much, I meant everything I said.” 

Dan felt more tears back in his eyes, somehow he had more left to cry. “I love you too. I love you and I don’t know how to explain it because you are the first person I will ever love like this and the only person I ever want to love like this. I’m sorry I scared you today. I never want to scare you again. I love you so much.”

Phil cuddled into his chest more, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist. He snuggled in tight, “I’m sorry I broke your door.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh, closing his eyes and letting the tears that bubbled roll down his cheeks. “It’s fine, I’ll buy a new one.”

“I’ll help you install it, I have a cordless drill.” 

“You never cease to surprise and amaze me Phil.” Dan joked, running his fingers along Phil’s back, tickling him as Violet would call it.

“They call me Amazing Phil for a reason.” he shot back with a giggle. 

“Who does?” Dan asked, confused where that came from.

He sighed, “The internet, that’s what my YouTube name is. Amazing Phil.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah,” he paused, tilting his head up to look at Dan. “I haven’t posted since Iris died, I still get the occasional tweet asking if I’d come back but I hadn’t been in the right mind place to film a video and pretend to be happy you know?” 

“But you’re happy now?” Dan asked, looking back down at him and somehow feeling more in love with him that time than he did 5 minutes ago.

“You’ve changed my life Dan. I forgot how happy I could be, I forgot how to love, but I'm learning to love again and having you be the one I’m in love with is amazing.” Phil said, tears in his eyes this time. 

“I’m learning to love again too, and I’m so fucking glad it’s with you.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter today instead of friday so i have more time to write for next week,, i have some serious things happening in the next few days and i'm not sure how it will effect my writing schedule but i hope to get at least a chapter out to you a week if things dont turn out the way i hope at the doctors next week, love you guys thanks for reading <3

When they finally got out of bed, Phil went to the bathroom to retrieve his clothes, closing the door and getting changed. Dan started to put on something that was nice but comfortable, knowing they’d probably go get the kids later. 

“Hi mum,” he heard Phil speaking in the bathroom, “Yeah he’s okay right now. I’ll ask if he wants me to tell you or if he wants to do it himself. Yeah we’re just going to get some food, I want to make sure he’s fed and okay before we come get the girls. He’s going to want to have a conversation with Violet and I want him to be okay before that.”

Dan smiled, walking to the door so he could listen more. “Can you have Emily pack a bag? I think we’re going to come back here for the night, have a family night. I think that’ll help.”

“I really appreciate you dropping everything and coming to get Violet and I’m sorry I yelled at you. I know, I know I just love him a lot I was scared. I’m okay though, we’re okay. Okay, thanks again mum. We love you too. We’ll see you in a few hours. Bye, love you too.” 

Dan was still close to the door as it opened, looking slightly ashamed for listening in on his conversation. Only to be met with Phil’s smile. “She said she loves you and she’d glad you’re okay.”

“I love her too, I’ll have to give her a big hug later.” 

Phil wrapped his arms around him, holding him close the way his mum would later. “She’d love that.”

They went to the living room together, Dan sat beside him on the couch, looking around to see where his phone was. “Did Violet take my phone?”

“I think so, after I order this you can have my phone for whatever you need?”

“Thank you.”

Phil tapped his phone a few times, they picked chinese together and Phil placed and paid for it. Handing him the phone after. Dan kept a hand on Phil’s knee to keep himself calm while he called his work.

“Manchester Mental Health how may I help you?” he heard.

“Hello, it’s Dan Howell. A family member of mine has passed away and I need to take off until next friday.”

“Oh, uh, that’s all your vacation days if you do so Dan, you know that right?” 

“It's worth it. I need to be with my family at this time.”

“I understand, I’ll reschedule everything and send you an updated version by email tomorrow.”

“Thank you, have a nice day.”

“You too Dan, stay safe and be well.”

He hung up, he was never really social with his co workers, hardly even knowing half of them.

They seemed to have ordered enough chinese food for 5 people, and ate every bit of it together. They went from sitting so close they were almost on top of each other, to lying on opposite couches making noises that were similar to one a pregnant whale would make. 

The full feeling left after another few minutes, Phil getting back up and standing in front of him. “Do you want to go get the girls?”

Dan nodded, “Yeah, I do.” 

“Is it okay if we come back here? I want to keep an eye on you tonight.” 

He stood up, placing his hands on Phil’s arm, pulling him in for a kiss. “I’d love to have you back here tonight, I can always use some cuddles from you.”

Phil took his hand and led him to the front hall, they put their shoes on together and left for Phils car. Immediately Dan noticed it was parked on the road, well barely. The front tire was over the curb. “You really were in a hurry.” 

Phil couldn’t stop laughing, “Yeah I was, get in.” 

Driving with Phil was always intense, his speed was good but at the same time it was never consistent, he never used cruise control so it seemed to change every few minutes and his breaking was even worse. Turning was the scariest however, Dan always had to hold on for dear life as they turned a corner, fearing he’d be sent flying if he didn’t. 

They pulled into Katherines drive way, her and Nigel were sat on the front porch together hand in hand watching the sunset over the cul de sac. They were the married couple that Dan one day aspired to be. They came down the drive to meet the boys, Katherine pulling him in for a big hug upon reaching him.

“I’m sorry I scared everyone today.” he said leaning down into her with his head on her shoulder.

“It’s alright my dear as long as you’re okay. I don’t mind taking Violet for the day if you ever need another day like this, just tell any of us and we’ll be there for you. We’re a family now.” she spoke softly, rubbing a hand on his back and not letting go of him.

Dan pulled back, his emotions already back in full swing. “Thank you it really means a lot to me, my parents were never accepting of me being gay they only tolerated me while I lived at home for Violet, so that means a lot to me that you love me already.”

She smiled up at him, eyes a little glossy to match Dan’s, “Any person who loves my son and is loved by my son is loved by me. Now come in, I’ll fetch us some tea and we can all talk if you’d like.”

“Sounds lovely.” He said, sticking his arm out for her to grab as they walked into the house together.

They all sat down in the kitchen, but Dan called for Violet and waited for her in the living room. Phil stood at the doorway, telling her Dan was in the room to talk to her while he took Emily to the kitchen. 

She walked in shyly, dressed in her school clothes even though she didn’t go. She sat down on the couch. “How are you?” she asked. A small awkward smile on her face, she looked nervous. 

“I’m okay.” he said, placing his hand on hers. “I’m so sorry I hid in my room and scared you today. I’m sorry I let you down and didn’t take you to school or have someone come look after you.”

“I know you love me and you don’t do it on purpose, Charlotte told me a long time ago that your depression makes you leave your brain sometimes and you don’t feel like yourself. That must be really sad to not feel like you because I love you, I think you’re great. I always will.”

He tilted his head to the side and bit his lips, closing his eyes and fighting back tears. “It normally only happens when something really bad happens. And something bad happened yesterday.”

“What?” she asked, concerned, scooting closer to him and holding his hand for real.

“Your mum passed away.”

She looked confused, blinking a few times and pulling her head back. “My mum?”

“Your grandma called me yesterday after you went to bed and told me. She had cancer and died yesterday morning.”

“Like the one who sends me money or Nanny Karen?” she asked, confused because she never really knew Sarah’s side of the family at all. 

“The one who sends you money.” he confirmed. 

She nodded, looking down at her hand in Dan’s, “Oh.”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She waited a moment, “She wasn’t my mum, she just birthed me. Like you’re my dad because you love me and you’ve been here and you wanted me but she’s not my mum.”

He started to cry a little harder, she was right. He remembered her asking why she didn’t have a mom like everyone else in school, and he remembered telling her some kids might not have one parent, some kids had 4. Some kids had two mums or two dads and it was always going to be fine because he loved her enough she didn’t need a mother. 

“But I’m still kinda sad because I feel like I should love her.” she added.

He understood, he really did. “I still love her, she was my best friend. That’s why I’ve been so sad.”

“Are we going to the funeral?” she asked.

He gripped her hand a little harder. “We’ve been invited, if you’d like to come you can. If you don’t feel comfortable I’m sure Katherine would love to have you for the day.”

“I want to go and meet my grandma.” she replied.

“You have a half brother as well.” he told her, not sure how she’d feel about that. “He’s four.”

“Okay. When is it?” she asked, a smile growing on her face.

“Wednesday.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters are monday and Friday this week and a special extra this weekend! if you look this fic is now in a series called the learning to love series and there will be extra fics added in there randomly over the next few months as i work on this fic! i hope you like them!!

Phil was right, a family night was definitely what he needed. But, they ended up having it at the Lester’s house instead of his own. Katherine had suggested she had enough clothes and hygiene products for Violet and himself to borrow some, and Violet already had her uniform with her for school the next day anyway. So they stayed.

He managed to get his phone back from Violet finally, he sat in the kitchen with Phil looking through his social medias and texts that he’d missed in his day off from the world. Surprisingly nothing happened, the world just carried on while he was a mess on the floor.

Katherine made them some tea and fed them leftover trifle she had made the night before for some friends, she sat right beside Dan the whole time talking to him and letting him know she cared. “I also brought Violet into the office at the school today and we told them there was a family emergency and we didn’t have time to call in today, they said that’s fine as long as it doesn’t happen again and you’ll need to go in and sign an approval for me to ever take her home randomly.” 

“Thank you so much again, would it be weird if I set you up as an emergency contact?” He asked, knowing that’s what the school had meant by signing something, “If they can’t get to me would you be willing to ever go get her? I used to have my friend Charlotte down but her job is too crazy for her to drop everything for Violet.”

“I wouldn’t mind at all dear, I love Violet very much.” she said, placing her hand on his shoulder. 

He helped clean the kitchen after, even after being told guests don’t clean. To which he replied, “I thought I was family?”

“You win this round dear.” she said with a smirk, handing him a dish towel. 

They finished cleaning, they made some popcorn and called the girls back down to watch a movie in the lounge together. 

Phil had sat down on the love seat in the corner of the lounge, where they had sat just a week before holding a beautiful baby, he pulled Dan down to sit beside him while the girls curled up with blankets and popcorn on the floor. Nigel flicked through Netflix, deciding they would all watch ‘Thor: Ragnarok’ together.

“We normally watch Marvel movies at Christmas, but they still have no idea who anyone is or what’s happening so get ready to hear my mum asking questions about everything.” Phil whispered in his ear as the movie started.

“That normally bugs me, but your mum is amazing so she can get away with it.” Dan whispered back. 

He was sat on one side of the couch, Phil was awkwardly leaning into him trying to get comfortable. He really just wanted to cuddle him. He noticed Nigel had hit a button at the side of the couch he was sat on with Katherine, making the seat into a recliner, so Dan did the same. 

He lightly touched the button, watching the footrest raise and scooting down so he was comfortable. Then he wrapped his arm around Phil pulling him into his space even more. Phil moved right in, placing his head on Dan’s shoulder and his legs on the footrest as well. He wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist and completely settled in. Dan felt him let out one last deep breath, he knew Phil was finally comfortable and happy. 

Katherine turned her head, looking at Dan and smiling. She stood up, going to the back of the room to a big chest of drawers. She pulled out 2 big fluffy blankets, placing one on her spot and bringing the other to them. She shook it out and placed it over them, lightly smiling the whole time. She leant over the chair and placed a kiss to Phil’s head and then to Dan’s, she was possibly the best mother in the whole world. 

She snuggled back into her seat, paying attention to the movie, while Dan sat there thinking about how happy he was going to be for so long. With Phil on his chest, his daughter sitting in front of them with her best friend, two people who loved him like a son already in the corner, he’d never felt so loved from so little, and he loved every part of it. 

The movie continued, the girls eventually getting bored and leaving to play upstairs. Nigel fell asleep and Katherine said everything from “Does Loki look like that in real life?” to “If I had a daughter I think Hella would be a good name.” she was absolutely precious and Dan understood where Phil got his personality from. 

The movie ended with Phil half asleep on his chest. He didn’t want to get up at all to go send the girls to bed. Goraning everytime Dan tried to get up, wrapping his arm around him tighter and holding him in place. 

“I’ll get the girls ready, you two just go to bed.” Katherine said, walking out of the room and up stairs. 

Dan ran his hand up and down Phils back, “Come on let’s go to bed, but you’re going to have to show me I’ve never been upstairs.” he whispered down at him. It was only about 10pm, but they’d been through a lot that day. 

Phil sat up to yawn and stretch his arms. He looked at Dan with tired eyes and a cute sleepy little smile. “Come on.” he said, taking Dan’s hand and leading him up the stairs. 

They went up about 3 flights and ended up in a brown room with a queen size bed. The walls were trimmed in the middle with a white thick trim and the flooring was fresh white carpet. It looked newly remodeled. “This was my old room, it’s now the guest room. Me or Martyn stay here when one of us is over and our kids sleep in his old room cause it still has our old bunk beds.”

“Is that where the girls are?” Dan asked, closing the bedroom door and taking his pants off. 

“Yeah.” Phil replied, slipping his shirt off and throwing it on the floor. He walked over to his dresser, pulling out a pair of cookie monster pajamas. “Want a pair?” he asked.

“Just a shirt if you have one?” Dan replied, he liked sleeping in boxers and a shirt. He didn’t like anything touching his legs. 

Phil opened another drawer, grabbing a white shirt and tossing it back at the bed for Dan. he grabbed it, unfolding it to see it was a women's nighty with 4 cats dressed as astronauts on it. He couldn’t help laughing, throwing his head back and cackling louder than he expected.

“I fucking love this.” he said, turning it around and putting it on.

“I think we bought that for mum in Florida and she hid it in here so she didn’t have to wear it.” Phil giggled back. 

“It’s amazing.” 

He took his pants off, walking around to the side of the bed he liked to sleep on, he lowered the duvet and fluffed the pillow. He got under the covers and watched as Phil dropped his jeans and pants in one go, he licked his lips at the sight, but remembered he was in a house full of Phil’s parents and their children, he had to hold himself together. Phil immediately replaced his nakedness with the cookie monster bottoms, making Dan smile to himself. 

As Phil made his way to his side of the bed there was a knock on the door. “Come in!” Phil called. And the door flung open and both their children came running in, they jumped onto the bed and sat down. They were in matching pajamas, they looked like twins, and Dan couldn’t help but imagine them actually being sisters one day. 

“We just wanted to come say goodnight and that we love you.” Emily said with a smile. 

“Well come here then!” Phil said, tackling her into a hug. 

“Don’t forget me!” Violet yelled, jumping onto Phil and hugging them both.

“What about me?” Dan jokingly threw his hands in the air in disbelief, the three of them giggling and looking over at him and then back to each other.

Silently they somehow agreed to jump on Dan, Phil cuddling one side, Emily on the other and Violet right on his chest. The four of them all laughing together, smiled so wide their cheeks hurt. 

“What is going on in here?” they heard in the doorway, all looking at who it was. Nigel and Katherine we’re standing in the doorway in their pj’s as well. 

“Family hugs!” Emily yelled before wrapping her arms tighter around Dan and Violet.

“Join us!” Violet called.

“Fine! I guess we have to!” Nigel joked, pulling Kath further into the room. They both got onto the bed, snuggling into them. 

Dan was still at the bottom of this tackle hug. He couldn’t stop smiling, he had more love and happiness in this room than he’d ever experienced in his whole life. He had a new family of people who loved him, who supported him, and wanted to help him. He was in a new place in life, and he wanted to be there forever. 

He wanted Phil to be his forever. 

And if that forever included family movie night, and group hugs before bed, he was going to be happy for the rest of his life.

“I love you guys.” Dan said, truly meaning it more than he ever had before. 

“We love you too.” they all said in unison before giggling at the fact they just did that. 

Nigel left first, Kath stayed around to rangle the girls and take them back to their room for the night. And then it was just the two of them again. Phil got up to close and lock his door, he turned off the lights and made his way back to the bed. He turned on the lamp, and stood beside the bed. 

“I have to take my contacts out still, and my glasses aren’t here, would you help guide me back to bed and then to the bathroom in the morning?” He asked shyly.

“I’d love to. On one condition.” 

“What’s that?” Phil asked, slightly tilting his head to the right.

“You find me a spare toothbrush I need a minty mouth to sleep.” he said with another giggle, realizing how cute he was.

“Yeah, come on.” 

In the bathroom Phil pulled a spare toothbrush from under the sink, taking it out of its packaging and handing it to Dan. Dan started to brush his teeth when Phil left the bathroom suddenly, he came back with his phone. 

He opened the camera and took a selfie, he looked great like always, but Dan’s face was scrunched in surprise and his mouth covered in toothpaste. Phil giggled as he typed, and then he showed the photo to him. 

It was in a text conversation, a grouchat called “kool kats” three photos on the top let Dan know phil had sent it to his brother, cornelia and himself as well. The text below the photo being “Dan’s toothbrush is the red one in the holder, and he’s claimed this shirt from now on”

“Now you’re really part of the family.” Phil said with a smile, getting on his tiptoes to kiss Dan’s cheek.

Dan just shook his head, he finished brushing his teeth and spat into the sink. Wiping his face with a tissue and dropping it in the toilet before closing the lid and sitting down to watch Phil take his contacts out. 

One by one, Phil took them out and placed them in a contact lense pot that was on the counter, it must have always stayed there for this specific reason. “I’m ready.” he finally said, turning to Dan with his eyes squinted. 

“Alright old man lets go.” Dan said, taking his hand and walking him out of the bathroom, turning the light off as they walked. 

“I’m not that old, I’m only thirty one.” Phil said, almost walking into the end of the bed.

“Seriously? I thought you were like twenty seven like me?” 

“You’re twenty seven?” Phil said, stopping and staring right at Dan.

“How did we not tell each other this when we told each other our life stories literally five minutes into knowing each other?” he said shocked, Phil really didn’t look 31.

Phil sat down on the bed, “When’s your birthday?” he asked, while Dan walked back around to his side.

“On the eleventh of June, so like in two weeks.” Dan said, getting under the covers. “I’ll be twenty seven then.” 

“Okay, well now I’ve got to plan what to do for your birthday.” Phil joked, rolling over and looking at him again. 

“I’d really just like to eat food and watch a movie on the couch with you, I’m not into extravagant things, I just want to spend my birthday happy and in love with you.” Dan said with a small smile. 

“I love you so much Dan.” Phil whispered before getting closer and kissing him.

He pulled back, probably to talk again, but Dan kissed him for a second, third, fourth time. He kept pecking Phil’s lips, smiling around the last one. 

“I love you so much as well Phil.” he whispered back against Phil’s mouth.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lied, lmao i'm not posting the special spin off till next week cause it doesn't fit in after this chapter but maybe closer to after 23 so look out for that one. also i'm really depressed and writing is a lot of work for me rn so we might only get one update a week cause i'm not doing good but i love you all and i love this and i will keep posting i just need some me time

They woke up to Phil’s alarm, a happy little jingle so unlike the anxiety inducing one on Dan’s phone. They lied there, intertwined in each other while the song built up before stopping. Phil was snuggled into his back, his nose in Dan’s hair and his arms wrapped fully around Dan’s body. 

He groaned before rolling over and turning the alarm off for good, so it wouldn’t start playing again in 3 minutes. “Good morning.” he said, rolling back to Dan and kissing his shoulder, neck and ear.

“Good morning.” Dan replied, a smile on his face. He wasn’t used to feeling so loved so early in the morning. 

“Mum is taking the girls into school, I work from ten to one today.” Phil whispered into his ear, his morning voice was going to forever be Dan’s favorite thing in the world. 

“What time is it now?” Dan asked, rolling over to look at Phil, holding him so close that their noses were touching.

“Seven thirty.” Phil smiled.

Dan couldn’t stop looking into those lovely bluey green eyes, finally noticing a bit of yellow in the middle as the sun shined through the window near the foot of the bed, illuminating them in the middle of the bed together. “Can we just lay here for a while? I really just want to cuddle and be alone with you for a bit more.”

Phil rolled onto his back, pulling Dan into his chest. “I love you.” He whispered into Phils neck as he got settled in.

“I love you too.” Phil said softly, running his fingers lightly up and down Dan’s back.

They’d only woken up together once before, and that was quickly cut short and followed by one of the most emotional chats they’d ever had. All he wanted was to sit in bed, holding Phil in the quiet. He wanted to feel Phil’s chest rise and fall, he wanted to run his fingers over Phil’s stomach while Phil did the same to his back. He wanted to hear the birds chirping outside the closed windows while the sun was rising. He just wanted to be with Phil in every aspect of his everyday life. 

Phil’s fingers were drawing patterns on his back, Dan played along with it, guessing what he was drawing each time. A dog, a flower, the words ‘I love you’, and so much more. 

Before they knew it, Phil had to really get ready for work. Dan walked him back to the bathroom, making sure he got there okay before leaving him with a kiss and going back to the nice warm bed. 

He put his contacts back in, brushed his teeth and put his jeans on. “Can I wear your shirt? I can’t go to work in the same one two days in a row.” he said, already picking Dan’s up off the floor.

“Yeah, I don’t care.” he said, lying in the bed just starting over at Phil, wishing he’d come back to bed. “As long as I can take it off you later?” 

“Always!” Phil said, pulling the shirt over his head and sliding his arms in. 

He got back onto the bed on his knees, crawling over to Dan and wrapping his arms around him one last time. “I don’t want to go, but I have to. I’ll be home at one and I’ll bring back lunch and we can get the girls and go for dinner” he said, kissing Dan’s cheek about a million times between ideas, “and if you let me I’d love to sleep beside you again tonight and keep you company. And this weekend we can do whatever you want and I’ll take all of next week off with you if you want.” 

He couldn’t help but smile, Phil must truly love him if he was willing to spend all this time with him. No one, not even Charlotte or his own kid wanted to be around him this much. “I’d love that.” he said before kissing his cheek. 

He left for work, leaving Dan in the kitchen with Katherine. They shared some tea and toast with jam, they were mostly quiet till she asked him how he was doing.

“I’m okay.” he said with an awkward smile. “Did Phil tell you everything?”

She nodded, a small sympathetic smile on her face. “I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love.”

“You guys know it all too well. Clearly.” he said, biting his lip, wondering if that was too far, adding “But I really appreciate everything you guys do for me already and how safe I feel when I’m here with you guys.” 

“It was very hard for the first year, we didn’t know what to do but now that we’ve been through this we are here for you and I will help and support you through everything just like I did for Phil.” she said, laying her hand on the table. Open in offering for Dan to hold it.

“Thank you.”

After a moment of hand holding she pulled back, standing up with her mug and plate. “Would you like a ride home or are you staying here till Phil gets back? I don’t mind either way.” 

“If you could drive me home I’d appreciate that very much. I’d like to freshen up before we go out for dinner with the girls.” 

“Alrighty. Let me go change and I will bring you right home!” she said, going to the kitchen to put her things in the dishwasher and disappearing back upstairs. 

To: Phil  
From: Dan  
mums driving me home, you can swing by at 1 and we’ll get the girls together  
We also have to tell the office about the girls not being in school tuesday to friday so we should go early

He didn’t get a text back, he must have been busy doing whatever he did at work. Dan never quite understood office jobs, he’d never known anything other than the one craft store he was fired from at 16 and the hospital. 

Katherine drove like Phil did, close corners, changing speeds and abrupt stops. Dan held on for dear life for the second day in a row with a Lester behind the wheel. “He told you the truth about Iris didn’t he?” she asked, out of the blue, over the low volume of piano music leaving the car stereo. 

“How do-” Dan started to ask.

“I drove to his house to check on him while Nigel was home with Emily, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and coping. I found him in a ball on the floor of his bedroom with a picture frame of her from the wedding in his arms. He was sound asleep and there was a letter on the bed. And I read it.”

“I’m never going to hurt him like that.” he cut in faster than he should have “I’ve waited my whole life to love someone and I love Phil more than anything I could have ever imagined, he is the love of my life, I- I could never leave him. I want to tell him everything I want him to know all about my bad days and I want him around me all the time. I will never do that to him Katherine, like I don’t ever want to leave him. Ever.” Dan sapt out, turning in the seat to look at her while she drove. 

She didn’t look at him, she kept her eyes on the road and stayed silent for a moment. “They say that most people have three lovers their whole life. A small childish one, a more powerful but not endgame kind of love, and their soulmate. And I think Phil’s found that in you.” she said with a smile. 

“Is Nigel your third love too?” He asked, not to change the topic but so he didn’t cry over how much Phil loved him, or how much he loved Phil. 

“Nope.” she said with a smile. “He’s my one and only, but I’m his third.”

“Oh.”

“I was his neighbor growing up, he’s two years older than me. I watched him date the other neighbor girl as a kid, then I watched from my window as his heart got broken on prom night when his date left with someone else. Then when I graduated, and he came home from university I saw him outside helping my mum with the garden like the wonderful man he is, and I knew. I asked him to go get ice cream that night and never looked back.” she explained, a smile on her face the whole time. “I never had a crush on him as a kid, but then I just saw him with my mum in my garden and something inside me switched and I knew I was going to marry him, he was just everything I wanted and I fell head over heels from just one look.”

“Do you think we’ll be as happy as you two?” he asked as she pulling onto his street.

“My boy, I think you already are.”

-

Phil knocked on his door at 1:50 with a bouquet of fake mario themed flowers in a cute little pot and a paper bag of take out. “I love you” was the first thing Dan said when he opened the door. 

“I got us some greek food, like kebabs and rice and some chips, and I also got one of every dip because I didn’t know which ones you’d like.” he said, walking in the door and taking his shoes off. 

“You know, dips are the best part of life and hearing you say you got them all just made me a mix between turned on and grateful.” he said, following Phil into his kitchen. 

“Oh, so now you’re the one turned on by food?” Phil joked, laying his things on the counter and turning around to hold Dan in his arms. 

“Food and sex are the best parts of my life, so yes.” he said into Phil’s neck. Holding him right back. 

Phil pulled back and looked at him in the eyes, “Well then let’s eat before it gets cold and maybe we can do the other thing later?” he asked.

Dan leaned in and kissed him on the lips with a small smile, “Sounds like a plan.” 

They eat their lunch with minimal conversation, it was nice to not have to constantly talk with Phil the way Dan felt obligated to with his other friends. He knew Phil wasn’t going to get bored and want to leave, he had a feeling Phil was just as crazily attached to him as he was to Phil. 

Dan got dressed while Phil lightly cleaned his kitchen, Dan told him not too but he didn’t know how to listen. Dan threw on a pair of his ripped jeans and a random black shirt that said control down the arm that he picked up at a thrift store. He looked himself over in the mirror, checking his curls and fluffling them a bit. He made sure his earring was still in and then sprayed himself with his Calvin Klein cologne. 

Phil was standing in his doorway when he turned around. “You look so hot in black.” 

“You look hot in my black shirts too, Lester.” he shot back, walking over to him and resting his arms on Phil’s shoulders, locking his fingers behind his neck.

Phil shook his head, looking him in the eyes. “Let’s go get the girls before I rip those clothes off you.” 

“We literally had sex not even 24 hours ago.” Dan reminded him with a giggle.

“I have to make up for all the years we didn’t know each other.” he said with a smile before kissing him again. “I love you.” he said with his lips still touching Dan’s

“I love you more.” he replied, eyes closed, he just wanted to push him against the broken door frame and kiss him forever.

Phil pulled back, “I doubt it.”

“We love each other a lot.” Dan said, hoping they could meet in the middle but he still felt like he loved Phil more.

“We do, now let’s go get our kids. Come on.” he took Dan’s hand and lead him to the door.

Dan drove the suburban over, he 1, missed driving and 2, couldn’t handle driving with a Lester anymore. They walked from the car to the office hand in hand. Only a few mums were there, some of which gave them smiles and a few just looked confused. 

“Hi Phil, how are you?” one asked.

“I’m good, just here to get the girls. This is Dan, Violets father and uh, my boyfriend.” he said with a smile. 

“Oh hi, it’s nice to meet you Dan!” the woman said together, he smiled and said it back. He felt awkward and not in the mood to talk.

“We have to go arrange some pick up things in the office, sorry we cant stay and chat.” he said on impulse, really not wanting to be there. 

They got it settled that Katherine was now Violet’s emergency contact alongside himself and Charlotte and they signed the girls out of school for Tuesday through to Friday, giving them enough time travel down to Wokingham for the week and see some family as well as go to the funeral. 

They went outside to wait along the fence with the other mothers, Phil was beside him with an arm wrapped around Dan’s back and his face close to his ear. “I hope you don’t mind me just tagging along with Emily, cause we never talked about it.” he said softly.

“If you didn’t just decide to come I would have asked anyway cause I really want you with me, I don’t think I can do it alone.” Dan said with a soft smile.

“You never have to do anything alone ever again.” Phil smiled back.

Before he could lean in and kiss him one last time, the bell rang and the girls came running around the corner together, hand in hand while their backpacks bounced behind them. The came barreling through the gate and crashed right into Dan and Phil. They hugged their own dads and then switched, hugging the other’s. 

They already felt like a family. Phil looked over at him and smiled, and Dan knew. They were going to be this happy forever.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it really pisses me off when people sexualize kids at such a young age, i wanted to write something realistic to how a single dad would react to his kid wearing a short dress and the type of argument that would happen but also how to support your child. hope you like it and dont get upset like the tampon discourse in chapter 1 lmao, thanks for reading i hope you dont mind a small chapter today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm making a pinterest board of all the concepts and ideas i look at while writing so you can visualize this world more, my pinterest is emilyrees1998 <3

“How would you girls like to go to the shopping center and pick out some dresses or something for the funeral?” Phil said, turning around in his seat and looking a the girls while they put their seatbelts on.

“I’m going?” Emily asked very puzzled. 

“If you’d like? Your Dad’s coming cause I need some support and he’s like my best friend as well as my partner, but you don’t have to come if it’ll make you sad.” Dan said, watching her from the review window as he drove. 

“Yeah, I’ll come for Vy cause she’s my best friend too.” she said, holding Violets hand in the back seat and making the two men in the front seat smile. 

“Good!” Phil cheered, “so are we shopping or what?” he asked, to be answered with the girls yelling “yes!” from the back seat. 

They pulled into the parking garage, picking a nice spot close to the doors and walking into the barely busy shopping center. For a Friday in late May, it was odd that there weren’t more people. The girls walked in hand in hand, they were matching in their uniforms and their hair in ponytails while Dan walked holding Phil’s arm feeling like he finally had that big family he always wanted. 

The girls walked in, looking at the rows and rows of shops they could go to, and walking right into H&M mumbling about a dress in the window. It was a pretty black button down dress, a womans size. Which hit Dan, she was at that size now where she was either at the largest size in kids or the smaller side of womans, she was growing up and he kinda hated it. 

They followed the girls in, watching them look around and not pointing anything out. The last thing he wanted was to pick something for her and have her hate it or have one of the teenage freakouts he used to have at his own mother when she controlled how he dressed. 

“Dad?” he heard, but not from his child. “Can I get this dress? It’s only twenty nine pounds!” Emily said, taking a small size of that same button down dress from the window and showing it to Phil.

“Let’s go try it on first, it looks very short.” he said, but he took the dress and held the hanger for her as they continued to look around.

“I hate that she’s growing up.” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear, leaning into him and putting his head on Dan’s shoulder while Dan lightly wrapped an arm around him. 

“I know, I hate it too.” he whispered back. 

Violet poked him in the side while he was still holding Phil, paying more attention to him than what was happening in the store. “I found a nice dress, come see it!” she said, turning her poke to a tugg at his shirt.

“Alrighty.” he said, following her through the racks to the back corner. The dress was black and knee length, it wasn’t form fitting and it had big sleeves with little ties at the sides. It was the type of clothing Dan would get for himself, weird and big with things hanging off it, she seemed to have picked up on his style over the years. 

“I love it.” he said, taking the dress off the rack and holding it up, he examined the sleeves, pulling them up to see all the fabric there was, she would basically look like a box if she held her arms up in it. 

“Really?” she asked, a smile building on her face.

“Yeah! You two go try these on and see if they fit and how you feel in them.” Dan replied, holding onto the dress and walking to the fitting rooms. 

They gave the dresses to worker who set the girls up with rooms and told them she could get a new size if they needed it or help them with zippers and everything like that while Dan and Phil awkwardly stood outside the fitting rooms in the men’s area. They smiled as the echo of the girls giggling and complimenting each other made its way out to them. 

The girls came out to show them the dresses, they looked adorable together twirling and laughing. “How do we look?” Violet asked, posing with her hands on her hips and Emily following her lead.

“You look amazing, everyone’s going to be shook when we get there!” Dan said, complimenting them while Phil stayed quiet. 

He just nodded and smiled, Dan looked over at him puzzled and Phil bit his lip, still trying to smile around it but looking more awkward. “I think it’s a little too short, if you bend over everyone will see your bum. I don’t know how I feel about it.”

“Well I like it, and I can wear shorts! God, Dad its a dress, why do you never let me wear what I want? Let me feel cute, I’m almost twelve. I’m sure mum would have let me wear this.” she shouted back, making other customers turn their heads to watch the screaming match that was sure to happen. 

“No, she probably would have wanted you to wear shorts as well or get something longer because as you said you are almost twelve, you’re still a kid, not a woman. Get it, I don’t care but if someone sees your butt and makes you uncomfortable remember I was just looking out for you.” Phil said rather calmly for just getting yelled at by his kid before walking away over to the jeans rack.

Emily looked angry, Violet looked scared as anyone would if they witnessed their friend fight a parent. Dan looked at Emily with soft eyes before kneeling down on the floor in front of them and taking both of their hands in his. “I think you look beautiful. But, it’s sometimes hard as a dad when their kids grow up, you know?” he said softly and they both nodded.

“He wants to look out for you, we know how gross boys both your age all the way to our age are. We we’re both gross teenage boys at one point, we don’t want people to make you sad or uncomfortable, but that sometimes happens in life. If you want the dress, get it and know we support you and love you and i’ll kick anyone's ass if they say anything about either of you okay?” Dan said softly, talking to her as if she was his kid now too. 

She let go of his hand and instead hugged him, “Thank you Dan.” she said.

“No problem, love.” 

They went to change back into their regular clothes and Dan went over to see Phil. “you okay?” 

“It’s times like this that I really wish that her mom was still alive to take her shopping and make her feel good and happy cause I really have no clue what I’m doing.” he said, his voice a little deeper as if he wanted to cry.

He took Phil’s hand and pulled him closer, “I talked to her, she’s okay and she’s going to get the dress and she knows i’ll kill anyone who upsets her.”

“I love you.” he said with a smile. 

“I love you more.” Dan said back. Phil just shook his head and let him get away with it this time.


	23. Heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil has three conversations. one with his daughter about loving someone in heaven, one with his angel of a past wife now in heaven, and one with Dan; the newest and last love of his life.  
> an insight at the types of conversations Phil has about Dan, how much he really loves him and the types of things they talk about on the phone when they aren't together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a separate fic but i think it works better in the story let me know what you think about it

“And in the end, Stephen and the Prince ended up happily together, forever and always.” Phil read, closing the small book. His head pressed to the top of his little girls as they sat in her bed together. 

The small lamp in the corner illuminating the purple of her walls, all her stuffed animals sitting at the end of the bed, watching on as Phil read a book he wrote in college to his daughter. She was breathing softly beside him, her body tucked under the covers and close to his. She smelt like strawberries from her shampoo and she was almost as cold to the touch as he was. 

It was the first night they’d been home as just the two of them in a while, after spending Wednesday through early that Sunday morning with Dan and Violet, they had barely seen each other. It was lovely to just curl up with his little girl, the person who shared half his DNA and more than half of his heart, just the two of them alone reading in her room. It was wonderful. 

“Dad?” she asked softly, her voice similar to her mother’s without the Irish behind it.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“Do you believe in heaven?” 

Heaven. He let out a soft breath, thinking of his response. He wasn’t raised religious, he’d never thought much about God or heaven or the after life in a real sense, only jokingly when he watched movies about the undead would he wonder what happened when he died. 

“I’m sure there is a place where we will all be again one day, if not heaven than somewhere.” he answered.

“In school my friend said that heaven is where all our loved ones who’ve died are, and that when we die we will go there too. Which means mommy is in heaven.” she said. She was purely innocent, amazingly so. For being eleven, she was still so pure and sweet.

“Yeah, she would be in heaven. She was an angel when she was here and she’s more of an angel now.” he was getting a bit emotional. He loved and missed that woman so much. 

“When you die one day and go to heaven and see her again, do you think you’ll still love her more than you love Dan?” she asked, cuddling in more to Phil’s chest, where he felt like he had been punched in the stomach and his heart ripped from him. 

That was a thought he didn’t want to think about. Of course he loved Iris, he always would. But he loved her as a past love, one that was a stepping stone- a learning curve on what real love could be. It was a fast and strong love that lasted a short time and taught him how to appreciate any love that would come next. 

“I love your mum, I will always love your mum but she’s not the love of my life anymore.” He whispered down into her hair, kissing her head. 

“Is Dan?” 

“Yeah, I love him very much and I think I’m going to love him forever.” He answered, getting a bit emotional at the thought.

“Are you going to marry him?” she asked again, yawning at the end of the question.

He hadn’t thought about that, he never thought he’d be married again. He used to not be able to even fathom putting a ring back on his finger, living with another person sharing every moment together, but in the 3 weeks he’d been with Dan he already felt that changing. 

“Maybe one day. We have a lot to still learn about each other. We have to make sure we work out and that this love is real. Maybe we’ll move in together in the next year and then after that maybe we’ll get married if it all works out well.”

“I want you to marry Dan, I like seeing you happy and I’ve always wanted a sister.” she yawned again.

“I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” he said kissing her one last time and lightly moving out from under her as she started to drift to sleep. 

“I love you my sweet.” he whispered before placing the book on her night table, he turned out the light and closed her door. 

Back in his room, he closed the door behind him he turned on his bedside lamp and sat at the end of his bed. He saw his photo of Iris on the shelf in the corner, she was in her beautiful wedding dress, her dark hair all curled and flowing in the breeze. She looked cold, standing out in the snow of their winter wedding without her coat, her pregnant belly on show and a smile on her face that could light up the world. 

He smiled, he had a good life with her. He loved her dearly, always made sure she knew it. Even when he sat there in the car, blood dripping down his forehead from the glass that exploded from the windows, he held her in his arms, chanting over and over again that he loved her. She always knew she was loved, she always would be loved. 

He took the photo down, holding it in his arms, giving her one last hug. He looked out his window, still holding her photo. He looked up at the sky, the stars different now than the ones they looked out at through this very window together all those year ago. 

He was never one to pray, he wouldn’t have ever prayed to any god there ever was, but he would pray to an angel, one that was probably looking down on him, listening and keeping her eye out for him. He sat down on the edge of their bed once more, and he started to whisper a prayer to her.

“I love you, I’ll always love you. You’ve given me all I ever wanted, Emily and I are so happy. She is so beautiful just like you. She is smart and kind and funny. She is absolutely perfect, she misses you everyday, I miss you too.

“But I met someone Iris, I met someone and his name is Dan. He’s everything I never knew I needed. While you brought me everything I wanted, he was the last missing piece for me Iris. He is so handsome and wonderful. He has the most kind and loving soul, from the moment I started talking to him I knew he was my forever. 

“I’ll always love you, I hope you always remember that. I will always remember you in everything that I do with the rest of my life, but now he holds my heart. I hope that if you are watching down over me and Emily you can watch over him and his daughter too. We love them, they’re our family now. 

“Thank you for showing me love when you were here and teaching me how to love, and how to love again. If I didn't lose you I wouldn’t want to keep him so badly. So thank you. I love you Iris.”

He kissed her photo and placed it back on his shelf. A whole weight had been lifted from his chest just then, any guilt he had from loving someone other than his wife was gone, she would understand, she would want him to be happy. She was the type of person to fight for love and do anything for someone in love. 

She would have loved Dan. 

Phil picked up his cell Phone off the side of his bed, calling Dan. 

“Hello my love.” he said as it picked up, cutting him off before he had a chance to speak.

“Emily asleep already?” he asked.

“Yeah, Violet as well?” 

“Yep.”

“I’m just getting ready for bed, I wanted to call and say I love you and I miss you and I’m excited to go to Wokingham with you this week.” he said, rambling the way he normally did when he missed Dan and wanted to talk his ear off. 

“I’m really glad you’re coming, I got us four tickets for Tuesday at ten am so we’ll be there for one and we can go check in and maybe even surprise my mum at her house.” Dan said back, it sounded as if he was walking while he was talking. 

“I’m sure my mum can drive us so we don’t have to leave the car there in the lot for a few days.” he added, not wanting either of them to pay for the crazy fees to park at Piccadilly.

“I wish you were here with me right now, like so bad.” Dan whispered.

“I know, I miss you too.” he whispered back, missing the cuddles at night and waking up beside Dan’s beautiful face. “I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I love you so much Dan.”

The line was silent, he felt scared. He was worried Dan didn’t feel the same way. He was scared he’d rushed into it again, only this time Dan didn’t love him back the way Iris had from the beginning but all those thoughts disappear when he heard a sniffle come down the line.

“I love you so much Phil. I’ve never thought I’d find someone to spend the rest of my life with but I want to be with you forever. I know it’s only been a few weeks but I think you’re my soulmate Phil.” Dan said, his voice high from the tears he was fighting to speak. 

And Phil felt the same way. “Emily asked me if I was going to marry you tonight.”

Dan laughed, “Yeah, and what did you tell her?”

“I said we’d have to move in together first, but I want to marry you one day.” he said honestly, he felt secure in his thoughts, he knew Dan was his end game.

“Well, then it’s settled. You can move in when ever you want and then I can become a Lester.” he said, a hint of sarcasm on his voice but Phil couldn’t fight the smile that came with hearing the love of his life saying he wanted to be a Lester.

“Let me run to the garden center tomorrow and get some boxes.” he said back, the same joking tone but he really wished he could.

“Would you seriously want to live together and get married? Like I know it feels soon but I do think we’re perfect for each other. We have the same interests and we work so well together that I don’t see anything bad happening. Even your mum told me the other day that she thinks we’re going to be together forever.”

“Really? She said that?” he said, surprised.

His mum hadn’t taken to Iris so well at first, more than once he saw her roll her eyes when she spoke, and was genuinely concerned when she found out they were having a baby so young and getting married so fast. But then again, he never talked to her about finding the love of his life when he was with her. He never walked through his front door and sat down beside his mom to say “I’ve found the love of my life mum.” the way he did the day after meeting Dan. She didn’t know Iris the way she already knew Dan. Iris was never around as much as Dan already had been in the 3 weeks they’d been together. 

“Yeah, she’s so nice to me and we had a good chat about how she met your dad and I love your family Phil. I’d like to be a part of it forever.” 

His heart was soaring, it felt full and as if it was floating in his chest. He was so madly in love with that man behind the phone, “Don’t worry, you’ll be a Lester soon.” 

“Speaking of families,” he said, changing the topic abruptly. “My parents aren’t together anymore, my dad moved out last year to have some alone time away from my mum and both of them aren’t homophobic but they’re not exactly the most comfortable with me being gay either so I haven’t told my mom about you yet but I think it’ll be better to just show up with you than to call her.” he explained, in his same waffly way that Phil loved so much. 

“You know I’ll support you and be there through everything.” Phil reminded him.

“I know, and that’s one of the many, many reasons I love you.” 

“What are the other reasons?” Phil asked, mainly to be cheeky not because he needed to know.

“I fell in love with the way you texted me that first day. You were so goofy and sweet and then I met your kid and she had the same cute personality as your texts and I couldn’t wait to meet you. Then your voice on the phone changed something in me and when you walked through my front door and I was you for the first time I fell in love with your face. And since then every single things about you has drawn me in and made me fall in love and I don’t know what else to say I just love you.”

He laid there on his bed, with his phone on his chest just taking in the words he had heard. “I love you so much.” was his only response at first.

Dan started to laugh, “I know-”

“No like, I love you more than I know yet. Like, if I wasn’t so afraid of rushing in this time I would ask you to marry me tomorrow.” he admitted, cutting Dan off.

“We could just get promise rings you know, like show that we’re dedicated to each other but not obligated to get married yet.” 

Phil smiled, wide and giddy, “I fucking love you.”

“I really want to be beside you right now so I could show you just how much I love you too.”

“Why does it feel like forever since you’ve done that?” he whispered back in response. 

“Maybe because you kicked my door down and we haven’t done it since then?” Dan snapped back.

“Good thing my Dad fixed it for you today then.” 

“Are you coming over tomorrow?” Dan asked abruptly.

“Probably late so we can spend the night and leave Tuesday morning.” 

“Yeah sounds good, I can call your mum tomorrow and ask her to drive us if you’re busy?” Dan threw in.

“Is that you just wanting to talk to my mom?” Phil asked, his cheeks starting to hurt from the constant smiling he always did with Dan.

“Yeah,” he giggled. “I like being close to her she’s more fun than my mom. Both of your parents are really fun to be with.” 

“I’m glad you love my family. I can’t wait to meet yours.”

“They’ll like you. Not sure if my brother will be over, but he’d love you. Colin, my moms dog, will probably love you too.”

“Okay there’s going to be a dog there which means I’m never leaving.” he joked with another giggle. It was crazy how a simple phone conversation with Dan made him feel like a giddy kid again. 

“I’ve wanted to get a dog for a while, and now that I’m settled at work I think we might get one soon.”

“That just makes me want to move in faster.” Phil admitted.

“My friend’s corgi is pregnant so I might cop one.” 

“Shut up. Oh my god those are my favorite dogs!” he cheered, sitting up and gripping his phone in his hand to talk more seriously with him. 

“Well, I guess I have to get one now. What should we name it?” he asked, keeping the conversation going longer than Phil ever expected when he first called him.

“Thor? Bowie? Seamus? Susan? Karen?” Phil said, listing names he actually would name his animals. 

“Karen is my mom’s name, so no. but I like Bowie. It’s very gender neutral.” 

“So I guess we’re getting a dog in a few months.” 

“And hopefully you can move in by then.”

“Are we really doing that? Cause I will talk to Emily and see if she’s okay with that and we’ll sell this shitty little house I’ve had for 10 years and move in with you.”

“I’d love that. Honestly. I have 2 empty bedrooms upstairs just dreaming of being occupied. Emily can design her room any way she wants and you could have an office if you want like please, move in so I can see you and love you every day.” Dan said, each word warming Phil’s heart and making him excited more and more.

“Sounds like a plan.” Phil said. Lying back down against the bed.

They kept talking for hours, even though both of them were getting ready for bed and tucking themselves in. They stayed on while they barely talked, falling asleep with their phones on the pillows their lovers head would have been, happy and more content and in love than either of them ever expected to be.


	24. Chapter 24

The weekend went by in a blink, from dinner with the girls and then a movie in bed with Phil to his father coming over on Saturday with a tape measure to measure his door and replacing it Sunday before Phil left, they had a busy weekend. 

Phil left Sunday to spend the night alone with his daughter in their own home to recharge for the week they were about to have together. Dan took the opportunity while Phil wasn’t with him to relax, he cleaned the house, had a bath and just chilled on his own. But it still felt weird. He was getting so used to always being with Phil. 

So when they had their phone conversation that night from their own homes, not in each others arms, and finally talked about moving in together, he started to feel whole. He could see a life that they could create together. He imagined family dinners, taking the girls to school, Christmas mornings all spent around the fireplace together. Everything he ever wanted, he was going to have with Phil. 

He woke up to his phone still on call and Phil snoring through the speaker. He smiled, still half asleep with his eyes closed but a smile building on his face. “You’re a dork.” he said, hoping Phil heard it.

The snoring stopped, and was replaced with a groan. “Dan?” Phil said, sleepily. 

“You never hung up.” he replied,

“You were too cute snoring lightly.”

Dan smiled, giggling to himself he grabbed his phone and sat up. “At least I wasn’t as bad as you were a minute ago.”

“I don’t snore.” Phil spat back.

“Okay well I guess you sleep with a dragon.” he joked, laying his phone in his lap and rubbing his eyes. 

“I love you.” was his retort. He most likely knew there was no competing, he snored and that was a fact Dan would stand behind. 

“I love you too.” He giggled. “Are you coming over soon? I want to see you.” 

“I haven’t even seen what time it is yet but I think we’ll come later this afternoon like I said yesterday cause I still have to pack.” he said, sounding like he was still asleep then he heard ruffling like he was snuggling back into his pillow, the way he wrapped Dan in his arms when he woke up beside him. 

“Are you dropping Emily off this morning? Can I give you a quick kiss at the gate or are you too busy?” he said sarcastically.

Phil groaned, “Let me call my assistant and see if I can slip you in.” 

Dan giggled, “But aren’t you normally the one slipping it in?” he spat back with a smirk on his face. 

“Stop.” Phil replied in a deep voice Dan hadn’t heard him make before, making him shiver a bit.

“Okay.” he said, not knowing what else to do.

“I’m going to go get ready and I will see you at the school.” he’d returned to his natural voice, but Dan was still a little shaken.

“Okay.” he said again.

“I love you.”

“Love you too.” a smile returning to his face, and Phil hung up. 

He threw his phone somewhere on his bed and went to get ready. Violet was up and in the kitchen when he went out, she had made herself some cereal and was sitting in her jammies. 

“Good morning love.” he said, kissing her head as he passed her. Walking around the breakfast bar and into the kitchen area. Made himself some tea, thinking he could grab something from Peggy’s and let her know what happened, and what was happening. 

“What are we doing tonight?” she asked between bites. 

“Phil and Emily are coming over, I was just going to make some pasta or something and maybe we can watch a movie? We also have to pack after school.” he reminded her, opening the cupboard for his mug to place on the counter. 

“I love that they’re always here.” she said, taking another bite. 

“Me too.” he said, leaning over the counter more towards her. “Can you keep a secret? I don't know if Phil’s told Emily yet and I don't want you to ruin it.” 

She nodded, mouth still full of cereal. “I’ve asked Phil if they would like to move in with us sometime in the next few months. It won’t be right away cause he’d have to pack and sell his house and everything. But, the option is out there and he would love to move in if Emily is okay with that too.” 

“Holy shit.” she said.

“Hey!?” he said with a puzzled look, never hearing her swear except that one time she copied him having a fit in a parking garage at Ikea when she was 3. 

“It’s the only phrase that works in this situation dad!” she chimed back. “You guys are really in love aren’t you?” 

“Yeah. I think I’m going to marry him one day.” he said with a smile. 

She smiled back, beautiful and wide like his own. “As long as I’m the maid of honor you have my blessing.” 

They continued to joke around in the kitchen talking about that ladybug show she was watching and how she was excited to help Emily decorate her room when she moved in. Dan saying they could even redo her’s and make it more mature if she wanted before he sent her to go get ready while he had a quick shower. 

Phil was waiting by the fence talking to all the mums from the friday before when Dan and Violet walked up to the school hand in hand. She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before hugging Phil and saying hello while Dan stood back with a smile on his face. Violet ran off to see her friends, leaving Dan to move in and wrap and arm around Phil’s waist and kiss him on the cheek. “Hello handsome.” he said, hearing the other mothers swoon.

“Hi.” he replied with a blush growing across his cheeks.

They stayed and chatted with the mums, discussing one of the woman’s kids birthdays coming up and how their children would be invited to the party all the way to topics like joining the PTA. He was never going to join the fucking PTA but he nodded along and said he’d think about it. 

The bell rang and the women walked to their cars, Phil following Dan to his. “So Mister Lester, if you aren’t too worried about packing would you care to join me for breakfast?” Dan asked, leaning his ass against his car and looking at Phil who had his arms crossed and eyebrow raised. 

“What’s in it for me?” Phil asked. 

“Well,” he leaned in towards Phil’s ear. “I can help you pack, and when were done that who knows, maybe I can get on my knees and show you something special.”

He heard Phil gulp in his ear. “Uh yeah that’ll work.” 

Dan pulled back with a smile, giddy and cute. “Meet me at Peggy’s?” he said, opening his door. 

Phil nodded with a straight and concentrated face, tugging lightly at the front of his jeans before leaning to kiss Dan and walk back to his car. 

Dan got there first, of course he did, he drove fast and Phil didn’t. He barely knew how to drive at all, really. So Dan waited, lent against his car once more waiting for the love of his life to show up. 

When he did, there was another kiss, another cute and smiley hello and more hand holding when they walked in. The booth they first sat at together was open, they walked right in and sat. 

Peggy was walking around the shop, not looking at him when Dan spoke out. “Hey Peg.” Dan said, getting her attention, watching her spin around to look at him.

“Daniel, how are you this fine Monday?” she asked, squeezing herself into the booth beside him.

“We’re good.” he said with a smile, “This is Phil, I’m sure you remember him from last time.”

“How could I forget those eyes?” she jokingly said.

He smiled, giddy like a schoolgirl. “Okay calm down he’s my boyfriend not yours.” 

“Congrats you two!” she half yelled, “Food’s on me today.” 

“Good I’m going to need something good to hold me over this week.” he said lightly, placing a hand on her arm, “Sarah, Violets mom, she passed away and we’re going to the funeral Wednesday.”

Her face dropped, like she had known Sarah and was devastated by the loss as well. “Oh my boy.” she said wrapping him in a hug. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay now, Phil’s been by my side and his mom was watching Violet for me the other day. And he’s coming with me and his daughter will be there for Vy.” he said with a small smile, looking at Phil who was smiling right back. 

“I’m glad you have him now, loss is hard. When my ex passed it was hard even though I hated him, but Lance helped me through it. You know the love is real when you go through a loss together and they stick around.” she explained, going right into that classic mum mode she always did when he’d come in looking for advice. 

“I’ve had my fair share of loss too. My wife passed in oh nine, so my family and I know it all too well and are here to support him and Violet.” Phil chimed in, still smiling ever so beautifully. 

“Bless your soul, ugh this is making me emotional.” she said standing up from the table. “What will ya have for breakfast?” 

Phil ordered the largest stack of American style pancakes he could, while Dan got fried eggs on top of a tomato chilli sauce with bread. Dips being the 3rd love of his life. They scarfed it down, talking over shows they’ve been watching and bonding even more over their mutual love for Game of Thrones and American Horror story. 

Phil was a movie lover, that was always obvious since the day they met. He knew of or had seen almost all the movies on Netflix, and he was constantly talking about directors and writers. He had a stack of books in his room, he looked the nerdy type but hearing him actually talk about it and see the passion in his eyes made Dan happy. 

He drove back to Phil’s house, following him and wishing he’d go faster the whole time. Pulling in beside Phil’s car and following him into the house. “We can just take the mini back to mine so that your car can stay here and not in my drive for the week.” Dan said as he walked in the door.

Phil closed the door and immediately wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist to pull him closer and look him in the eyes. “You know, one day my car will be parked in your drive for good.” 

“I told Violet this morning that you might move in but she had to keep it a secret.” he confessed.

Phil laughed a little, “I told Emily to keep it a secret too so you could tell Violet.” 

Dan shook his head, he was always a little in disbelief that Phil and him were so good with their kids and so good together. It was like they were a premade family. They were somehow meant to be together. He only wished his kid had wanted to have Emily over for a sleepover a long time ago. Like when they started nursery school so he could have loved Phil for much longer. 

“I love that for us.” he said, leaning in and kissing him lightly. 

He pulled away, gripping Phil hand and leading him upstairs. “If we don’t pack now you’ll hate me.”

“I could never hate you.” he said. Following the way he always did.

He tore a red suitcase from his closet, like a proper traveling suitcase with a tag still on it like he’d gone on a trip recently. “Where did you go?” Dan asked. 

He placed it on the bed, right beside where Dan was going to sit to watch and ‘help’. “Oh, we go to Orlando every spring and most autumns. My parents have a timeshare there.” 

“Seriously? That’s amazing!” 

“Yeah, the house is huge too and very weird. We share it with two other families who take it when we aren’t there, but it has a pool and like 10 bedrooms and is a short ride from disney.” He explained, rummaging through his sock drawer. 

“Violet and I haven’t ever been before. The only place we’ve gone is jamaica with my dad for a movie thing for a week and India for my grandma's birthday getaway in like twenty ten.”

“So you have passports then?” 

He nodded, “clearly.” 

“Then I guess you’re coming on the next Lester Family vacation.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the commenter that asked for the daddy kink to finally be added in and because i brought up toys in the first sex chapter lmao enjoy 3k of pure smut and a little fluff to end it on!!!

Packing was done, both Phils and Emily’s, her’s was done the day prior. They drove back to Dan’s where he planned on rewarding Phil. Mainly because he wanted to be in his own house again but also because doing something intimate with Phil in that bed, or even just that room he used to make love to his wife in was a hard pill for him to swallow. 

They walked into Dan’s house, placing the suitcases on the floor near the closet in the front hall and continued into Dan’s room. He didn’t ask Phil to follow him, he didn’t tell him what he wanted to do. Phil just walked with him to his room, closing the door behind himself, locking it and leaning against it. 

Dan looked at him with a raised eyebrow, as if to say ‘can I help you?’ and Phil just winked at him. “You know, you could ask nicely.” 

“You promised.” Phil said, the teasing in his voice light and playful.

Dan grabbed a throw pillow from his ottoman at the end of his bed, “I said no such thing. I said maybe.”

Phil smirked as Dan threw the pillow on the ground in front of him. “Looks like you’re doing it anyway?” 

“Only cause I like to, not cause you want it.” he said, lowering to his knees, supported by the pillow.

“So it’s a hate blowjob?” Phil asked, running his fingers through Dan’s curls as he looked up at him. 

“I could never hate you.” he spat back, mimicking what Phil said to him earlier. 

He unzipped Phil’s jeans, pulling then down his beautiful thighs and leaving them around his ankles. He ran his hands lightly back up his legs, messing up his leg hair. He ran his hand over Phil’s clothed and lightly hard dick. Wanting to tease him for no reason, keeping him contained in his pants till he was fully hard and desperate. 

Phil’s hands were still in his hair, stroking his scalp with his thumbs lovingly. It was weird for him to feel so loved while on his knees, it had never happened before. Every other blowjob was just quick and dirty and forgotten. Till today.

He kissed Phil through his pants, licking the fabric and making Phil’s grip tighten. He smiled, running his teeth lightly over the material while looking up through his eye lashes to see Phil tilting his head back to breath deeply. 

“Are you one of those weirdos that likes a bit of teeth?” he asked. 

Phil let out a huff of breath. “Light drags of teeth like that on the shaft, yeah.”

Dan raised his brows, interested to see how much more unraveled he could make Phil before actually putting his mouth on his whole length. He moved up a bit to kiss his abdomen and slowly push his pants down, the elastic of his calvins curling and moving down his beautiful hips till the reminisce of pubes were visible. And he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed he shaved. He really liked deepthroating and feeling them on his face. 

He slipped his index fingers under the elastic, and tugged them down to join his jeans at his ankles. Watching as that magnificent cock stood at attention, the head red and glistening with precum. He couldn’t help but lick it, right at the slit, feeling Phil shiver where he stood.

He moved to kiss around the base of his cock before gripping it with his left hand and using his right to steady himself on Phil’s hip. He stuck his tongue out flat against his lips and lightly bounced the head on it all while looking up at his face. Phil shook his head, either in disbelieve or because his patience was running thin while all his blood was running to his cock. Speaking of which, Dan felt a sudden rush of arousal in his own cock, which was straining against his jeans now. 

It had been a while since he’d had Phil’s cock in his mouth, and by a while he means less than a week, but he still missed it so much. He slipped it in past his lips, using his tongue to run the underside of his dick as it went further and further into his mouth, touching the back of his throat eventually. 

He swallowed around it before pulling back a little and bobbing, still gripping it with his hand and squeezing just a little. Phil moaned, deep and loud. Louder than he ever had before and it sent a new wave of arousal through Dan’s body making him bob faster, sucking while making sure his tongue played with his slit when he reached the tip each time. 

“Holy fuck Dan, keep doing that please, oh god.” Phil panted. 

He took the hand that was once rested on Phil’s hip to reach between his legs and lightly press on his perineum with two fingers, making Phil shout out a moan, “Fuck Dan!” 

He went a little deeper, stilling with him touching this throat once more and swallowing again. He pulled off this time lightly dragging his top teeth on the skin for a moment before reaching the tip. Sucking it lightly before taking it all in to his throat once more.

“I’m gonna come, oh my fuck, Dan!” he sounded purely blissed out, leaning his head against the door fully and the grip in his hair was barely there. He bobbed faster, almost as if Phil was fucking his mouth but his hips stayed mostly still with the occasional quake. 

“Fuck!” he shouted once more, lightly tugging his hair as he shot his load into Dan’s mouth. He swallowed around him, taking it all while still bobbing his head till Phil stopped. He pulled off with a mouth pop, leaving his mouth open and wiping his swollen bottom lip free of saliva. 

“You’re welcome.” he said, still looking up at Phil. 

Phil tried kicking his jeans from his ankles, dan helping him a little and shoving them to the side when Phil grabbed his chin. “Up.” he ordered. 

That hot voice from their phone call that morning was back and he stood as fast as he could. Phil ripped his shirt off while Dan stood, throwing it to be with his jeans. He leaned into Dan’s space, pressing his mouth to Dan’s ear before saying, “Are you okay if I’m a little bit dominating? I won’t if you’re not into it but-” 

Dan pulled back enough to look him in the eye’s again. “Do it. Fucking wreck me Lester.”

“Bed, undressed. now.” 

“Holy fuck.” Dan said, turning as fast as he could, gripping the bottom of his shirt and whipping it off while walking to the bed. He was beyond thankful that he prepped in the shower, hoping to every god he’d get some action from Phil that day. 

Phil walked to his dresser, pulling the secret drawer open and taking a look while Dan stared him down, naked on the bed. Phil took the regular lube out, but kept looking, running his fingers through the drawer, picking a toy to bring with him. 

He settled on his purplish grey one, it was ribbed and vibrated. It was his favorite, and somehow Phil knew. He came back to the bed, climbing onto the bed and staring Dan down. “Lie down. Get comfortable.”

“Yes sir.” he responded, it only seemed fitting.

“I know you’re a kinky fucker, what other name do you want to call me?” Phil asked, staring him down like he knew a dirty secret of Dan’s. 

“Daddy.” he panted, feeling like all the air in his body was gone as he laid back on the pillows. Phil took one from the end of the bed, similar to the one still on the floor by the door, to place under his ass. 

“I’ve been waiting to hear that, and to do this.” he said, sitting on his knees between Dan’s legs popping the cap off the lube.

He spread it on his fingers, teasing one on his hole before he, achingly slowly, pushed it in. Dan gripped the sheets beside him at the feeling, but he couldn’t take his eyes off of Phil. somewhere, somehow he’d flipped to this completely dominating man that Dan wasn’t used to but he sure as fucking hell could get used to.

“You were so good to me baby.” Phil coed, his voice deep still but with a loving undertone that Dan appreciated. 

Phil pumped his finger in and out slowly, almost too slowly. He was teasing Dan the way he had done to Phil at first, which only meant that soon enough he’d be attacking him with intense pleasure that he wasn’t sure he was ready for. So he took what was given to him and enjoyed it while he could before being blissed out and blown away. 

Phil leant down to kiss his thighs, it was light and sensual at first, till it wasn’t. Suddenly he was sucking deep bruises into his thighs that Dan would have to hide for the next week. He numbered them in his head. 8 in total, 4 on each thigh close enough to his groin that he could hide them with just his boxers if he happened to be trouserless around the kids at anytime in the next few days. 

He didn’t prep him as much as he would for himself, the toy not being able to compete with him. He simply slipped out and coated the toy in lube. His knuckles running over the ridges and back up, it was insanely erotic seeing Phil prep a toy he’d used in the past wishing a man like him would fuck him senseless. 

“Ready baby?” Phil asked, looking at him so intensely he could have came right then and there.

“Oh my god, yes.” he replied with his breathing picking up. He’d never been so fucking turned on in his life. 

Phil pushed it in, the ripples pushing past the muscle making him throw his head back and moan deeply. He got half way in and pulled out again fully. Doing it again and again making Dan start to pant at the feeling. He finally pushed it in all the way, leaving it for a second before angling it up and turning the vibrations on. 

Dans body convulsed so hard at the feeling he shot forward, only for Phil to grab his chin with his other hand again, pulling him closer and kissing him roughly before pushing him back against the bed. 

He kept fucking him with the toy on its full power, smashing into his prostate each time and making Dan cry out in pleasure and almost release real tears from the intensity his body was facing.

Phil kept the toy in, not moving it but moving himself so he was leaning over Dan, balancing on one hand and holding the toy in him with the other. “You’re so fucking sexy Dan. I’m rock fucking solid again.” 

“Then fuck me.” Dan replied, staring up into his eyes hungrily for a real cock, especially Phil’s. “You’re so much thicker and longer and make me feel ten times better than that shit piece of silicone.” he purred. Wanting to heat him up even more so he’d fuck his brains out. Death by orgasm seemed nice. 

Phil pulled the toy out with force, Dan gasped at the sudden emptiness, and he fucking threw it towards the bathroom not even looking to see where it went. “You’re a fucking slut.” 

“Only for you daddy.” he jokingly replied with a cheeky wink. 

Phil found the lube in the sheets once more, coating himself and lining up while Dan smirked at himself. He couldn’t help but get excited about getting fucked by the love of his life. And this was the first time they really fucked. This was a fuck not the sappy love making they had done the few times before, but a nasty dirty fuck that he so desperately craved before meeting Phil. 

Phil lined up, looking down at Dan once more while Dan nodded as if to say ‘go ahead.’ Phil pushed in slowly, knowing he was going to need a second for that stretch that made Dan wimper. He really missed it. 

“Fuck, Dan!” he grunted, bottoming out. “You’re so fucking tight.” 

“Wait a sec, pull out.” Dan said, which shot a concerned look onto Phils face.

Dan flipped himself over, sticking his ass out towards Phil, “if you’re going to fuck me hard, make it count.” 

“Holy fuck, okay.” Phil said, placing a hand on his ass and sliding his cock back in. he waited a second again before pulling half out and thrusting back in with force causing Dan to fall forward, ass up, face down in the crook of his arm. 

As he fucked him, Dan reached his one hand out to press against his headboard and pushing his body back into Phils thrusts, moaning with each one. He sounded absolutely ruined. He felt Absolutely Ruined. Phil was fucking him with more force and stamina than he ever had and Dan honestly thought he’d pass out.

That all too familiar heat started to build in his stomach, that wonderful feeling that never failed to make his whole fucking day. The beginning of an orgasm, the blissful feeling that he wished stayed around all the fucking time. “Close.” he said, the only words he could produce with the extreme pleasure ripping through his body.

“Fuck, me too.” Phil huffed, thrusting in with more vigour but less rhythm. Just hard and fast thrusts. 

Dan shoved his hand between them, gripping his cock and showing it some attention for the first time. Squeezing the base to stop himself from coming yet, he wanted Phil to first. As he gripped it he clenched, and Phil moaned, clearly feeling the new change in tightness around himself. 

“Fuck!” he screamed, slamming in one last time before releasing.

Dan let out a high pitched scream, coming down onto his duvet while he pumped himself through it. He dropped his body when he was done, lying down in his own mess. Phil pulled out and landed on top of him, chest pressed to his sweaty back. 

After a second Phil rolled over, flinging his arm up over his head letting the his forearm rest on his forehead. “I fucking love you.” Phil finally said, his breath still a bit shaky. Dan said it back, but it was hardly readable due to the fact he was still pressed face first into the mattress. 

Phil reached over, sliding one arm under Dan and the other on his elbow that was closest to him and lifted Dan, pulling him onto his chest to cuddle. “I think we’re even on orgasms given to each other now.” Phil said randomly.

“What?” Dan asked, so fucked out he couldn’t even think right.

“You know cause you came twice at my place and I just did too.” He explained. 

“Yeah but I’ve had quite a few thinking of you so that fucks up your theory.” 

“Same, I’ve thought of you a lot too when I’m alone.”

“Love that for us.” Dan said again before sitting up and finding his phone, it was under the pillow where he left it that morning after getting off the phone with Phil. 

He set an alarm for 2:30, it was currently only 11. “We’re taking a nap. This is incase we sleep late.” he said. Throwing his phone to the end of his bed watching it fall on the ottoman. “That way we have to get up.” 

“I love you.” Phil said, pulling him back down to cuddle him again. 

“I love you too.” he replied before yawning and falling asleep in Phils arms once more.

 

They woke up at 1, groggy, sore, sticky, and gross. So they hopped in the shower. 

It was different from the last shower, more like the bath they had together forever ago. Their wet boddies pressed close, the smell of his raspberry body wash filling the room, slow kisses under the stream of lukewarm water. It was heavenly to say the least. 

Dan placed his arms around Phil’s neck, looking at his sparkly blue eyes and wet eyelashes. His hair was slicked back, his hands reached to hold Dan’s hips. “You know, sometimes I look at you and I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend.”

“Future husband.” Phil corrected with a soft smile.

“It’s been three weeks Phil. Do you not think this is the fastest moving relationship ever? What if we get married in a few months and then we’re divorced in three years when you realize you’re tired of me.” He spoke honestly. 

“Are you serious?” Phil asked, leaning in to his his neck and lingering there, “I have never loved someone the way I love you. And yeah it’s been three weeks but when it feels right in your heart doesn’t that mean something?” 

Dan pulled his head back from in his neck to look at him again. “You’re the first person I’ve been in love with Phil I don’t know if this feeling is real or how strong it is.” 

“How did you feel the first time you held Violet?” he asked.

“That’s different.” Dan replied.

“Not really. She was technically the first love of your life. From the first look you loved her more than you’ll ever love someone else and if you feel even the slightest little sliver of love for me that feels like the love you feel for her, then it’s real.” Phil explained, all while Dan look mesmerized in his eyes. 

He was right. 

Loving Violet was easy. The second he held her tiny body in his arms, his whole life came crashing down in front of him. He would trade his soul for her happiness. He would kill someone for her if he needed too. Every time she’s ever cried, he cried too because he couldn’t handle something upsetting his favorite persons heart. Loving Phil was close to that. He wanted to be in his life forever, he wanted Phil to be happy and loved and okay and if there ever came a day he wasn’t in his life anymore he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle that. 

“I love you so much.” finally escaped his lips.

“I know. And I love you too.” He replied, reaching behind Dan to finally turn the water off. 

Dan just stayed there in his arms, their bodies still wet and pressed together. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life pressed into that man, becoming one and never being apart from him again. He must have really been in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter hopefully saturday!


	26. Chapter 26

Dan wanted to go to bed early that night. 

He tucked his daughter into her bed with a kiss on her head and an ‘I love you’ before giving Emily a hug and telling her for the first time that he loved her as well. She was kinda like his kid now too, and Phil did the same for Violet. They felt like a real family, more so now than any of the other times he’d thought that. 

He curled right into Phil the second they got into their own bed that night. His heart full of love for the first time in a long time. He hadn’t felt this much love and happiness since him and Violet moved to Manchester, when she was 2 and told him she loved him for the first time with her big girl words, the two of them in the tiny family housing dorm, starting a new adventure all by themselves. 

What they didn’t know was where the adventure would take them, the ups and downs they faced together, the new people they’d meet and places they’d go. They didn't know any of it but it still brought them to this town, in this neighborhood where she would make her friends and bring the second and third most important people into their lives. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Dan whispered over to Phil who was still lying on his back looking at his phone. 

“Yeah babe, anything.”

Dan bit the inside of his lip for a second, “You’re the first and only man I’ve ever had in this bed. This feels like ours, like it was so lonely and empty on that side for so long cause it was waiting for you and now you’re here and it’s finally full and I’m finally happy and I don’t know why I’m so emotional but I really just love you a lot right now.”

He let his feelings slip out, finally comfortable in being emotional with his partner after weeks of keeping it in and trying not to cry in front of him. He let it all out, tears slipping down his cheeks while he looked over at Phil.

Phil put his phone down and rolled over to his side to pull Dan into his chest. “You’re so fucking cute sometimes my heart feels like it’s going to explode.” Phil whispered into his hair. He kissed his head and left his face there.

Dan was stuck in his neck, cuddled in and feeling oddly safe for being essentially trapped. But the arms he was trapped in, the torso he faced and the face that was breathing hot air into his hair all belonged to the person he loved, someone he’d trade his life for, someone he knew would do the same for him. 

“Can I tell you another secret?” he asked.

Phil hummed in response, not moving from where he was holding Dan. 

“I already know tomorrow is going to be a bad day. Like I’m already so anxious I don’t want to go but I have to go and I’m terrified. They’re all going to see me for the first time in 9 years and I’m not ready for that.”

“You know, I’m going to be right beside you the whole time supporting you and holding you and loving you. I think you’ll be okay.” Phil spoke softly, his breath feeling nice against his scalp, moving his hair with each breath.

“I love you.” he said, placing a kiss to his neck.

“I love you more.” Phil replied, pulling back and sliding down to meet his eyes. 

“Can we kiss till we fall asleep?” Dan asked, looking at him with sad eyes.

Phil kissed him once, leaving his lips close to his. “Anything for you my love.” 

His lips were like velvet, his bottom lip fit perfectly between his own slightly chapped ones. Phil held him close, breathing him in and kissing him ever so softly. He felt like he was floating, it felt so wonderful. Kiss after kiss after kiss that was just as soft and pure as the one before. He never thought he’d feel so close to another person. It was as if they became one in that moment. 

 

He doesn’t remember when he fell asleep. But he woke up to the light chiming of Phil’s alarm that morning, still cuddled right into him. Their fronts pressed together, Dan’s head in Phil’s neck once more and Phil’s arms tightly wrapped around him. 

He sighed lightly. Phil groaned the way he did everytime his alarm ever went off. They left it ringing till it snoozed itself for a few minutes. The peace and quiet of their room that surrounded them last night returned, the birds outside adding that small bit of ambiance that made him feel more at ease. 

He knew it was going to be a bad day, he was sure of it. He already knew that the stress of leaving Manchester with two kids instead of one would be intense. He already knew that the train journey of 3 hours was going to stress him out the way it always did. He already knew that seeing his mum was going to stress him out, it would stress him out even more knowing he was bringing home someone else other than Violet for the first time. And for that person to be a man, he was really fucking anxious. 

So he stayed there, tucked under Phil’s chin with his body wrapped securely around him. He felt safe and okay and he was going to stay in it as long as he could today. Even if that was just 3 minutes till their alarm went off again. 

“Good morning.” Phil said first. His grip on Dan getting tighter, pulling him in closer and holding him with just enough force for him to feel a little bit more okay.

“Morning.” he replied, as flat and empty as he felt. 

“What can I do to make you feel better today? What’s something that makes to smile no matter what?” Phil asked, rubbing his thumbs on Dan’s back as he spoke softly.

“Honestly,” he took a deep breath, getting ready for Phil to laugh at him, “listening to broadway musical soundtracks in the shower is the only thing that can change my mood on a really bad day.” 

“Okay, then let me go get the girls up and make them some breakfast while you shower.” He said with another kiss on the head before starting to pull back. 

“No! No, no.” Dan said, shaking his head and pulling Phil back in. “shower with me and let the girls sleep in and we can stop and get McDonalds pancakes or something for on the train!” 

“Well then, I don’t think I can say no to that.” Phil said softly, leaning back just enough to look him in the eyes finally. He gripped his chin and pulled him into a kiss. 

It was more heated than the night before, these kisses had a purpose and a passion behind them that they were so very used to. He licked Phil’s bottom lip, wanting to be let into his mouth to kiss him deeper. He didn’t care that he had morning breath, that must have meant he was in true love. 

Phil dropped his hand from Dan’s chin down to his shoulder and around to the nape of his neck, holding him there and licking into his mouth as well. He pulled Dan closer, rolling more onto his back and pulling Dan onto him. Dan slid his thigh between Phil’s, propping himself up with his one arm and grinding down onto Phil, finding him to already be hard. 

Phil moaned slightly at the contact, biting Dan’s lover lip and pulling back. “If we don’t stop now I’m going to make you take me right here and I really don’t think we have time for that.” Phil said breathily into his mouth.

Dan giggled a little, “What?” 

“What what?” Phil replied, moving to kiss Dan’s neck.

“You’d want me? To make love to you?” Dan asked, genuinely surprised. 

Phil giggled this time, right against his neck where it felt amazing. “Make love.” he said in a condescending tone. “No, I want you to fuck me sometime.”

“Okay. But we can’t this morning, maybe something else but we don’t have time.” Dan whispered, letting Phil continue to kiss his neck while he ground right back down against Phil once more. 

“Like what?” Phil growled into the side of his jaw. 

“Oh I don’t know,” he said with a cheeky smile, sitting up and looking down at Phil. A beautiful wet spot sprouting on his pants, his nipples erect, his hair a mess. He looked like he’d already been fucked good. “remember the first time we showered together?” 

He took both Dan’s hands in his, interlocking their fingers and rubbing his thumb over the skin. “Oh how could I forget.” 

Dan pulled him forward so he was sitting too, he kissed him quickly. “I’d like to try that again.” 

 

They got into the shower together somehow without taking their hands off each other. Dan pushing Phil against his shower wall and cornering him. Kissing every single inch that he could. The room was filled in the sounds of the water falling on them, Phil’s moans and those birds outside the windows. 

“I’d really like for you to fuck me sometime soon, I think I’d die if you didn’t.” Phil spat out while Dan was on his knees, water in his face and Phil’s cock touching the back of his throat. 

He pulled off, “If you really want it we can now?” he suggested.

“Please.” he said, throwing his head back against the wall and running his fingers through his wet hair. 

“Hold on then.” Dan said, pulling himself up and walking out of the shower. 

Under the sink he had his little black bag. He grabbed the lube from it a glove and one of the many condoms he bought for their randevu at his work what felt like forever ago. He dried his hands enough to place the condom on himself properly, he hadn’t worn one of these in ages. Then he placed the glove on his left hand, grabbing the lube with his left and rejoining Phil in the shower who had turned around to face the wall with his ass out. 

“You’re going to kill me.” he muttered, spreading the lube on his fingers. 

“Yeah, and you taking forever is going to fucking kill me.” Phil replied, sounds absolutely ruined already. 

He wrapped his right arm around Phil to hold him close while he took the other hand and slid it between their bodies, right at Phil’s hole. It was new and interesting and he really liked the idea of Phil being desperate for him. 

Phil arched his back when Dan finally slid his finger in, turning his head to lick at Dan’s ear as he rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. “I love you.” he whispered.

“I love you more.” Dan replied, adding a second finger probably too fast but he really wanted to fuck Phil. 

He moaned at the stretch, sticking his ass out further and pushing back on him with each thrust of his fingers. He scissored his fingers, opening him up faster than Phil had ever done for him. Maybe it was the time crunch, maybe it was how hot Phil got when he was desperate. He didn’t know, all he knew was that he wanted to fuck him soon.

Phil lifted his leg up so Dan could grab it with his arm to hold it up, having easier access to him. “Fuck me already, I’m fine!” he whined. 

“Okay baby.” Dan cooed in his ear, something in him coming out that made him want to treat Phil the way he normally treated him. 

He removed his fingers and let go of Phil’s leg. He threw the glove out the shower door behind them and coated his own cock in lube, it felt amazing to finally touch it after focusing on Phil for so long. He could only imagine that’s how Phil felt when he treated him. 

He grips his leg once more, holding it up and pushing his body against the wall a little more. He feels as Phil moves his own hand down to his cock, stroking it lightly as Dan pushed himself in. Phil pushed his face against the shower wall and moaned, the echo of it circling the bathroom. 

“Fuck me.” Phil instructed as Dan bottomed out, and he always did what he was told. 

He half pulled out and thrusted right back in. Over and over, letting the water hit his back and the tightness of Phil build a familiar heat in his stomach he missed so much. Phil was fucking back against him, stroking himself faster while making the most jaw droppingly beautiful noises Dan had ever heard. He kept fucking Phil, dropped his mouth to Phils shoulder and sucked a beautiful purple bruise into his shoulder. 

“Can you, hold on.” Phil said, reaching behind them to grab the base of Dan’s cock and angle it up more, “There. Go.” he said.

Dan pushed back into him once more, feeling Phil’s body shake as he hit his prostate dead on. “I’ve, oh my fuck- fucked myself enough to know where it is holy shit.” he said, his forehead returning to the wall and Dan’s mouth returning to the nape of his neck.

Dan reached his left hand around Phil to play with his nipple, he knew how much he loved it there. He touched the soft peek and Phil’s knee almost buckled, he was close now. Dan fucked into him with vigor, hitting his spot each time and hearing him whimper in front of him. He was getting close himself on the noises alone not to mention the sweet tight heat around his cock. 

“I’m coming.” Phil said breathily. His hand movements slowing, coating the wall in his own fluids and tightening even more around Dan.

He felt his release build, the heat in his stomach leaving him and filling up the condom. Pure bliss encapsulating his body. A smile built on his face, the best way to get serotonin in the brain was to smile during an orgasm, he was going to have a good day. 

“I love you.” he said, pulling out and dropping Phil’s leg in order to wrap both arms around him and hold him. 

“Holy fuck I love you more.” Phil replied, sounding absolutely exhausted. 

 

He found it hilarious that he woke up dreading how he’d feel that day, almost letting his thoughts get the better of him when that handsome man fixing his hair in his bathroom flipped his day right side up again. 

Dan put all the towels back once he dressed himself, returning to stand beside Phil and fix his own hair. Smiling as they caught each others eye in the mirror, Phil had the blow dryer to his head when he turned it and blowed it in Dan’s face. 

“Don’t! It has to dry naturally or it looks like I have a lions mane.” Dan whined loud enough to be heard over the blow dryer. Phil just smiled and bumped his hip against Dan’s. 

Dan poured his hair product on his hands, rubbing them together before running it through his wet locks. It was meant to make the curls more defined, stop the friz and all that but it never really helped. He washed his hands and brushed his teeth in the left sink while Phil stayed at the right one. That sink finally had a purpose, he finally had a person. It made him smile a little. 

He kissed Phil on the cheek and went to grab the girls. 

He walked into Violets room after lightly knocking to see Emily cuddled into Violets chest, both of them sound asleep and absolutely adorable. He took his phone from his pocket and took a quick photo, wanting to remember they loved each other before they became 16 and stepsisters who despised each other for stealing makeup and clothes. They probably wouldn’t, but he feared the worst. 

“Hey, sleepy heads.” he said, sitting on the corner of their bed, placing his hand on Emily’s shoulder.

“No.” Emily said, digging her face more into the crook of Violets neck. She hated mornings as much as her father.

“We already let you sleep in an extra hour while we got ready, come on and get up or we’re leaving you here while we go eat McDonalds pancakes.” he joked, watching her sit right up at the mention of pancakes. Just like her father once more. 

Violet stayed still, smiling up at her best friend. “We’ll get ready in be down soon. Do we have to dress up?”

“Oh no,” he said standing up and straightening out his own shirt. “It’s just a train journey wear something comfortable for it, we’re going to see your grandma after so I don’t think she’ll mind either.” 

“Are dad and I coming as well?” Emily asked.

“Of course, You have to meet my nanny I’ve met yours.” Violet chimed in.

“Okay we’ll I’ll leave you to it. Remember to bring down your toothbrushes when you’re done so we can pack them up and any other toiletries you haven’t packed.”

“Okay dad.” she said with a smile.

He left the room, closing the door behind him with a big smile. He loved his girls. 

Back in his room he found Phil, his hair looking absolutely impeccable and dressed in his jeans with a grey shirt and a blue jean jacket laid on the bed beside where he was sitting. He really hit the jackpot. Phil was smiling down at his phone again, not paying attention to Dan walking in. 

“What are you so happy about?” he asked.

“Oh, hi.” he smiled wider, “someone on instagram tagged me in a dog video.” 

“You have instagram?” 

“Yeah, I kept up with all the social media stuff and still posted videos until like twenty twelve or so, I still check things occasionally on Amazing Phil.” his smile disappeared. 

He sat down beside him, wrapping his arm around him, “Well, I guess I’ll have to follow you on everything then.” 

“I’ve actually wanted to make a post about you recently, like all of mine and Iris’s fans still follow me and keep up with Emily and always ask if I’ll get remarried and I kinda want to tell them I’ve met you.”

“We can take some photos this week to post if you want,” he suggested, “I only post things that are aesthetically pleasing.”

“Your face is very aesthetically pleasing to me.”

Dan just kissed the smile right off his face. “Thank you, now let’s go make sure everything's ready before your mum gets here.” 

 

Katherine showed up at 9 o'clock on the dot. The train didn’t leave till 10, it took 15 minutes to get there. Dan felt a weight lifted off him that it was going okay, the last time he took the train home with Violet was a disaster, but the Lesters, they seemed to know how to take control and make shit work. They were exactly what Violet and he needed. 

They shared hugs at the door, loaded up the suburban and locked up the house. Making sure they had everything they needed and everyone had peed, Katherine pulled out of the driveway and they made their way to the station. 

They stopped at McDonalds as promised, ordering 4 orders of pancakes as well as apple juice, a few coffees and 2 hash browns for everyone. Phil held the bags in the front seat beside his mother while Dan and the girls all sat in the back talking about how excited they were. 

Katherine pulled into the station next, letting them off at the curb and hugging them all. “Let me know what time you’ll be back at i’ll come and get you’s. I love you very much, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” she said, all while wrapped in Phil’s arms. 

“Says the woman who was almost arrested from showing a carrot cake in Peter Novak's mother's face at the bake sale in year nine.” Phil replied with a giggle, one of the cute ones that made his tongue stick out. 

“He called you that terrible f word and she supported him, what else was I supposed to do?” Kath spat back.

“I love you mum.” 

“Love you too child, and all you’s as well now go get on your train!” she cheered, scooting Phil forward and walking back to the car.

“Love you nanny!” the girls chimed back before grabbing their suitcases and following Phil down the corridor. 

 

Maybe pancakes on a moving train wasn’t the best idea… seeing as the table of the coach they were in was now coated in a thin layer of maple syrup. Dan felt sorry for who ever had to clean this coach next. He tried using a few wet naps to clean the mess, managing to smear it some more and not quite cleaning it all. 

The girls sat on one side of the coach together, sharing a pair of headphones connected to Violets ipad watching Shrek 2. Dan loved that she loved that movie so much, she’d watch it twice a day growing up and still loved it now. Emily had her head laid on Violet shoulder while Violet rested her head upon Emily’s. They were adorable. 

“Take a selfie with me?” Dan whispered to Phil. He smiled and nodded. 

The got in real close together, Dan reached his arm out in front of them and snapped a photo before Phil kissed his cheek for another one. It was the first photo he’d ever taken with Phil, the first couple photo he’d ever taken, and the first time anyone would see that he had a significant other. 

He sneakily took a photo of the girls on the other side of the table, selecting all 3 photos for his instagram and tagging Phil in it. 

“Heading home to say goodbye to an old friend. It’s a sad day but with these 3 by my side I’m always going to be happy.” 

He posted them and watched as his old friends and colleagues all liked it. 

@louisepentland: so happy for you guys! 

@lottie_xo: you’re a gross sap now that you’re in a relationship howell. But i’m happy for you <3

@PeggyfromPeggys: love this! Miss you!

He couldn’t help but smile. He’s always wanted to boast about his boyfriend online, seeing as all his friends did that with theirs and now he finally got to. 

Random people started liking it too, leaving comments about how they didn’t know amazingphil was gay now. Phil just read it over his shoulder and laughed. He kept getting tweets about it, people tagging him in reposts and the little following he still had started a hashtag #congratsamazingphil. It was all very surreal to Dan. 

“I know what Louise goes through online but dating an online celebrity is a little strange.” he said, watching Phil like the nice tweets about him and Dan.

“Like sprinkle of glitter?” he asked.

“Yeah, I met her at the youtube space when I was doing anti bullying and mental health work with Prince William.” Dan cleared his throat after name dropping the literal future king.

“Prince William?” Phil repeated.

“Yeah he reached out to Manchester mental health cause we have a big not for profit team and my work nominated me cause I’m the youngest employee and would work better with the kids in the group and I didn’t know he’d be there till he was there.” he explained. 

“You’re amazing.” Phil said in awe.

“No,” dan said, shaking his head. “I’m pretty sure that’s you.”

“Shut up.” Phil said, leaning in and kissing him while the girls ew-ed in disgust. Once more, just making them want to kiss longer.

 

The three hour train journey went by faster than it ever had before. The girls watched their movies, Phil took a nap on his shoulder claiming “I don’t know why i’m so tired today.” as if he didn’t remember the sex they had that morning. While Dan stared out the window, listening to the new music he’d missed out on lately while his life got busier. 

He rented a car for the four days that they would be in town, a small SUV that fit them and the kids and would be able to hold another person if need be. They loaded up the car and took it to the hotel that Dan had booked them for the week. 

The girls had their own room across the hall from where they would be sleeping, they booked them two twin beds knowing full well they’d most likely end up cuddled into one because they loved to cuddle. 

They got a second key card to their room for themselves if they needed to go in and see them at night, as well as writing down the phone number to their room for the girls if they needed to contact them for anything. 

They all put their things away, the girls coming back to their room after dropping their suitcases off. “Do you want to go surprise nanny?” 

“She doesn’t know were coming?” Violet asked.

“Nope. She also doesn’t know i have a boyfriend so be extra cute and maybe she’ll overlook it.” he said. Straightening out his shirt in the mirror one last time before leaving the room. 

It was weird driving in his old hometown, on the way to his childhood home to see his recently single mother who lived alone with her new dog, Colin. It was weirder driving with Violet in this town and have her not be in a car seat this time. And beyond that it was absolutely strange that he was bringing his first boyfriend home accompanied by his own child. 

His mother was going to flip.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if there are any mistakes my girlfriend normally edits these but she's having a nap right now and i really wanted to share this with you guys <3

They stood at her door, Phil’s hand on his lower back and both girls in front of them. Violet knocked and Dan could swear he felt his heart fall into his stomach. Colin was barking behind the door, loud and yippy like he remembered from Christmas. They still knock even then, even though they are family. 

The door opened, slowly and then all at once his mother was there. Gobsmacked, “Daniel?” she said with a few blinks, not believing her eyes. 

“Hi mum.” he replied.

“Nanny!” Violet cheered hugging her tightly. 

Dan watched as she held her, looking at Dan and then Phil, mouth slightly agape. She was clearly in shock that A, her son was at her door randomly when she only saw him once a year at christmas if she was lucky and B, he was there with another man and another child she’d never seen. 

“Um, this is Phil, my boyfriend, and his daughter Emily.” he said, tightening one hand into a fist at the words leaving his mouth. “We’re uh, in town for Sarah’s funeral and thought I’d come surprise you.” 

“Hello.” she said with a half laugh. “Come in, Violet would you go show your friend around while I talk to your dad?”

“Sure, nanny.” she replied, running past Dan’s mother to take their shoes off and fling them in the closet the way she always did and heading up the stairs. 

“Before that,” she says, stepping closer to him. “Come here.” 

She pulls him into a hug, holding him close and rubbing her hands on his back. She’s pretty tall herself, much taller than Phil’s mother meaning her head rests on his shoulder when they hug instead of it being pressed to his chest. 

“I’ve missed you! You looks so good and healthy!” she said, pulling away to hold his face and look at him. “Did you lose weight?” 

“Yeah when I stopped taking the medication remember?” he said, biting his lip. Phil didn’t know he was on medication at one point.

“Oh yes, that was a wild christmas when you withdrew.” 

“I was on antidepressants for a year.” he clarified with Phil who just nodded and smiled. 

“Well come on in, would you like coffee or tea?” 

Phil walked through the door, kicking his shoes off at the front door and waiting for Dan behind him. Karen smiled as she closed the door behind them, following them into the kitchen where Dan sat down at the counter and made sure Phil sat beside him. 

“Oh, I’ll have a coffee please if that’s alright.” Phil spoke as he sat, placing his hand on Dan’s knee again. 

She walked to the cupboard, taking out a jar, “Is instant okay? I only have instant.” 

“I love instant!” 

“You’re both freaks. Phil hates cheese as well mum.” Dan shared, wanting her to like him so desperately.

“I knew I liked you.” she said, clicking on the kettle and turning back to the boys. “So, how did this happen.”

“The girls.” they said at the same time, smiling at each other.

“How many times have you had to tell the story?” she asked with a giggle.

“So many mum, everyone I know who’s seen us together has asked.” 

“Well, spare me the details, I just want to know how long it’s been , how serious is it and will you be joining us for Christmas? Because I start gift shopping in July and I’d like to know if I need to buy some instant coffee for your stocking.” 

Phil giggled, he wasn’t really a talker around other people, but it was nice having him there touching his knee and grounding him. He was keeping Dan calm and that’s all he ever asked of Phil.

“It’s been a few weeks, and it’s very serious. Like to the point where we are talking about moving in together soon.” Dan opened up. If he was going to tell her about this he was going to tell her everything. There was no holding back now. 

His mother smiled, wider than he’d seen her smile in a long time. “I’m really happy for you hunny.” 

“Really?” he asked, not really knowing what he expected.

“Yes. One hundred percent happy for you.” she said, smile still brightening up the room. 

Phil and Karen drank their coffee while Dan sipped his tea slowly watching them converse with each other for the first time. It was wonderful that somehow, under some grace of whatever god his mother believed in that he was in his old family kitchen speaking with his newly accepting mother and the love of his life. He would have never believed it if someone had told him this would happen 12 years ago.

“I’m going to go see the girls, where would they be?” Phil asked, standing up and pushing his chair in. 

“Probably our old room, upstairs first door you see.” Dan replied, smiling up at him. 

Phil lent down and kissed him quickly before he left to go up the stairs. Dan watched him leave before turning to his mum with a big smile.

“Can I be honest with you? I might upset you.” she said.

His smile left. There it was, the classic mum’s nice while friends are over but a completely different person as soon as they were alone again. It happened all the time when he was a kid. No one understood what he meant by how he never got along with his parents when they were ‘so nice’ to Dan’s friends when they were over.

“What?” he asked, tired of being nice. He was going to go off on her if he had too.

“Your father and I were really unhappy when everything happened with Violet and when you came out we used that as the thing to be upset with instead of being mad at each other.”

“Are you serious?” 

“Unfortunately I am.” she said, lowering her head a little and playing with the handle of her mug. “We wanted to seperate for so long and all that happened and we stayed together cause we felt like we had to and the second you left for Manchester is when we started to fade off more and he didn’t finally leave till last year when I physically made him because I knew he was cheating, I needed someone to love me and i’m sorry we put you through that.” 

He sat back in his chair and took a deep breath. He thought his words over carefully. “So you mean to tell me, that me being gay was the cover up for your fighting? That I felt like absolute shit, almost killed myself over not feeling loved and being overwhelmed as a single dad.” he started to tear up, he was so unbelievably angry but he couldn’t shout. 

He took another deep breath, calming himself, “And you and dad were just over here staying together for us kids when really you were making my life a living hell?” 

She cried. Not like a single cry tear either, but full sobs. Her body erupting in shakes while she continued to look down at her cup. “I’m sorry.” 

Her sobs were the same type Dan’s had been when Phil found him on his bedroom floor. Those same ones that made it feel like you couldn’t breathe, that you’d never stop crying, that you’d probably pass out from it. 

“Mum.” was all he could say. He cared, he loved her. He would always love her no matter how shitty the things that happened to him were. 

“I know.” she finally said when she calmed down. “It’s just, I always wanted you to be happy and knowing I caused some of the sadness in your life kills me.”

“I know. I’m a parent too, I get that.” 

“Can we move past this? Do you think we can change and be closer and start fresh?” she asked, her eyes still full of tears.

He didn’t have to think about it. No matter what, he would love to talk to her. He’d love to have the relationship with her that Phil had with his family. He’d love for her to call him all the time and ask how he is. He’d love for her to be in the same town and watch Violet and have a relationship with her that she needed. More than anything, he wanted to be closer to his mum.

“Yes. That’s all I want.” he said, reaching his hand out and taking her’s. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

She smiled lightly, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her sweater. A green one that Dan remembered getting her for Christmas one year. “Can I have a hug?” she asked, and how could he say no.

He hugged her, holding her closer than he’d ever held her before. “I love you mum.”

“I love you more Daniel.” she said, taking in a whiff of him as she stayed on his shoulder. Dan understood that, there was nothing like the smell of your child no matter how old they got. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” she whispered.

“Yeah, shoot.”

She pulled away and took a deep breath. “I’ve been seeing someone too.” she said. 

Dan felt a little shocked, “oh, who?” he asked.

“You remember Clare from church?” 

“Clare? As in my bible studies teacher from when I was like 8?” he spat out, leaning forward and staring at her as if she had said she murdered the poor woman. "Isn't she like thirty?" he asked.

"She's forty five" she said back, almost defensively. She must really like the woman. “And yes, well you know her and I have always been good friends and we’ve gotten a little closer. I always knew she was a lesbian at church, everyone was weary of her but, I really like her.” she explained. 

“Have you told nanny yet?” he asked, remembering how shocked she first was when Dan came out. Bringing him a new bible and everything the next day. 

“Oh god no,” she shook her head violently. “That god fearing woman couldn’t handle both of us being gay.”

Dan just laughed, it was weird that his mum was having this conversation with him. But he loved that she understood a little. “It’s nice being in love isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” she said with a smile. “I did love your father, and I always will. But having you at eighteen at the peak of our love while still going to school and trying to make a living and getting pregnant again took a toll on it.” 

“Yeah, I know. I had a kid at sixteen remember?” 

“I’ll never forget it Daniel.” she said, her smile making her matching dimple pop. “i’m glad you found someone who knows the struggle as well and you can love him and support each other and not have to worry about raising a newborn.” 

He smiled to himself, trying not to giggle. “We’ll have a few years of bliss before they become full blown teenagers and we have another little one.”

She shot her head up from where she was looking, “what?”

“I want another baby one day mum, so does he. Right now we’re starting with moving in together and maybe raising a dog. But the end game is getting married and having another baby.”

“Well, if that kid is anything like Violet or that beautiful Emily, I can’t wait to be a nanny again.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is set in a funeral for the 2nd half. its emotional, i cried. i'm sorry in advance if you do too. there are mentions of outing and non consensual sex so be careful and i cant wait to share the last 3 chapters with you soon <3

The days were getting shorter, it always seemed to happen when something he either was or wasn’t looking forward to was on the horizon. Somehow, the whole day had blown by and he was in bed with Phil, just like the day before. Looking over at him, cuddled into his side while Phil was once again on his phone. 

“Whatcha lookin’ at?” he asked, trying to be as cute and cheeky as he could cause he knew Phil liked it.

He smiled, “instagram.” he said. 

“What’s everyone’s reaction to my post?” he asked, knowing people were still talking about it long after he last checked. 

“They’ve been really nice, I’m glad I get to share that you’re a big part of my life now.” He said with a smile, placing his phone on the night table and turning the light off. 

The room was dark, the moonlight shining in through the slightly opaque curtains and barely illuminating anything. But somehow, he can still see the blue of Phil’s eyes as he rolled over to look at him before pulling Dan in for a cuddle. 

“My mom has a girlfriend.” he said, filling Phil in on his day even though he was there for the majority of it. 

“That’s amazing! I’m so glad everything went good for you today.” he said, rubbing Dan’s shoulder a little, adding, “It might make tomorrow easier.”

“I love you.” Dan said, it was all he wanted to say. He loved Phil and all he did for him and he always wanted to tell him that. 

“I love you too, love.” Phil replied, kissing the top of his head. 

“Is that my official pet name? Love?” he asked.

“If you’d like it to be. I can also call you babe, sweetheart, honey, whatever you want.” Phil said softly.

“I like my love the most, I like calling you babe though.” Dan confessed.

“So it’s settled.” 

“It was never an argument.” he giggled.

“It’s just a saying,” he said through a yawn, “want to make it an argument?” he joked.

“Too tired for the making up for it tonight, maybe we can fight tomorrow?” Dan replied with a cocky smile before pressing his lips lightly to Phil’s neck, the place Phil had pulled him into for the second night in a row and honestly he couldn’t be happier. 

“Sounds like a plan.” Phil said with another yawn.

“Is the alarm set? Everything ready for tomorrow?” Dan asked, his planning anxiety starting to take over the nothingness that was once in his mind. 

“Everything is fine love, tomorrow is going to be okay even though it’s going to be hard you’re going to be okay.” he said, hugging Dan a bit tighter, it was what he needed in the moment. 

“I love you Phil.” he said, hugging Phil back just as tight. 

“I love you so much Dan.” 

That was the last thing he heard that night, aside from the slight snoring Phil made. He was a fast sleeper, every time they’d been together he’d fallen asleep first leaving Dan to bask in his warmth and comfort and just thank whatever happened in the universe to let them be happy together. 

Sleep didn’t come easy to him that night. Everytime he fell asleep it lasted maybe a half hour at most before he’d be woken up from a weird dream or a strange feeling. He had to wiggle his way out of Phil’s arms, he rolled over right to the edge of the bed and tried to sleep there, staring at the ceiling and wishing for sleep to take him soon. 

His dreams kept coming back every time his eyes closed, the same scene of his old elementary school filled the back of his eyelids. He was running from someone, someone who looked like they should be a janitor, grey jumpsuit with the name Darrell on the pocket in red stitching. He’d run, up the stairs as fast as his long legs would take him, losing his breath and fearing he wouldn’t make it to the doors in time. Pulling the magnet the teaches left on the latch so that it would lock once he closed it. Trapping the man in the stairwell and running to the other hallway to pray he wouldn’t get there and open the door before him. 

He didn’t have to pull out his dream analysis book to understand the meaning behind this one. He was running from something in his life, it was painfully clear and until he faced the challenges in his life that were plaguing him he wasn’t going to get away easily. 

The last time he woke up, he checked his phone. It was 5:57, their alarm would be going off in 3 minutes. There was no point rolling over and wishing for sleep again when this time it wouldn’t be a dream that ripped him from the peaceful slumber he craved. 

He rolled back over to Phil, who was still on his side with his arms out the way they had once been around Dan’s back. He got real close to him once more, slipping into his arms and holding him instead this time. He wanted to hold him, remember he had someone and that he was loved and okay all on his own without Phil having to remind him. Part of learning to love meant learning to love himself again, and he loved himself enough to try to be okay today, to let himself be sad but happy at the same time. 

The soft little jingle of Phil’s alarm went off on his night table. He watched Phil’s eyes flutter to the nose, an instant smile growing as he locked eyes with Dan. he puckered his lips for a small kiss, Dan reaching his head up to connect their lips. 

“Good morning my love.” he said, lips still close to Dan, his morning breath slightly bearable and his eyes still locked on Dan’s. “Ready to take on the world today?” 

“With you, always.” he said, kissing him once more before getting out of the bed. 

Dan travelled across the hall to wake the girls up, telling them both to shower and do what they need to do and to let him know when he can come back to do Violet hair, Emily asking him to curl hers as well. He’d never curled short hair before but he might as well try.

Phil showered in their room, Dan just sprayed some dry hair shampoo into his hair and put on deodorant before getting halfway ready. He put on his dress pants and socks, and a t-shirt just until after he helped Violet get ready so he didn’t get it dirty. 

Phil came back out into their room, looking handsome as ever with his wet hair and glistening body that Dan had to remind himself they were extra busy that day, but it didn’t stop him from staring and making Phil blush a little. 

The girls called over when they were ready, Dan went over with the curling iron and blowdryer to do the girls hair as well as Violets little bit of makeup that she wore on special occasions. A bit of Rimmel foundation, some blush and a tube of mascara. 

“Hey dad?!” Emily yelled from her room across the hall to Phil before the door fully closed.

Phil walked over and came into the room, dressed almost the same as Dan, he had a white shirt on instead. “What?” he asked.

“Can I ask Violet if I can wear some of her makeup?” Dan heard her ask while Violet sat on the toilet facing the wall so he could do her hair. 

“Yeah, just something natural though I remember when I was twelve a bunch of girls in my class had bright blue eyeshadow and crazy lips and it isn’t flattering, we should watch some of mums old makeup video and you can learn how to do something light if you want to start actually wearing makeup?” Phil spoke to her kindly, and it made Dan’s heart warm. He was such a good dad, Dan felt like a good dad as well and he already knew that they’d be good dads together. 

 

Everyone was dressed. The girls had their hair done, their cute little faces all dolled up and their dresses were on. They looked wonderful. Phil had put his white dress shirt on, a plain black tie over top, while Dan replaced his t-shirt with a slightly see through floral designed black dress shirt. He didn’t know how to not over dress, it was a problem he had that he was completely okay with. 

“Is it weird if we get a selfie in the hotel mirror?” Phil asked, looking at the big wall mirror in the hallway near the lobby. 

“I don’t see why not?” Dan replied, following Phil as they all walked over to it. 

“Okay, one serious one, try and look like we’re the hottest family walking.” Phil said with a giggle, and Dan just shook his head.

They all posed, Violet stuck her hip out with her hand on it, Emily fixed her hair before laying her elbow on Violet’s shoulder. Meanwhile Dan posed behind violet and Phil tried looking sexy while looking at his phone taking the photo. “Okay and now one silly.” 

Dan wrapped his arms around Violets shoulders, leaning his head on hers while Emily reached around them and held bunny ears behind Dan’s head. Phil squeezed his face in close to Emily’s, sticking his tongue out and taking the second photo. 

“Love those, we’re so cute.” he said, flipping through them. 

“Okay, let’s go eat breakfast so we can be at the funeral right at eleven to say hi to everyone first.” Dan said, slightly rushing them to the complimentary cereal and toast the hotel offered.

 

When they stepped out of the taxi in front of the funeral home Dan instantly felt full of anxiety. He’d been on the steps of this building 3 times before, both his grandparents on his dads side and his aunt. He’d only lost 4 people in his 27 years of living, but it was still 4 times to many. 

Phil took his hand as they walked, running his thumb on his hand in comfort. Inside the lobby were everyone he knew as a teenager, just about ten years older. A few people looked at him, the rest were busy talking and crying. The room smelled damp and slightly like egg salad sandwiches. He hated every second he was in there.

“Daniel?” a familiar voice called from across the room, shooting more looks his way. His hand immediately got sweaty in Phil’s, he wasn’t sure he was ready but one more squeeze by Phil reminded him he could get through it.” 

“Hi Patty how are you?” he said, walking closer to her while his little family followed.

She reached out for a hug, meaning Dan let go of Phil’s hand to wrap himself around her. She still smelled the same as she did when he was a little kid, the smell of what ver laundry detergent she used in their house and the small smell of the wood fireplace they had lingered on her. It made him miss being with Sarah in her old bright yellow room playing the playstation and talking about life. He’d never get to do that again.

“How are you holding up?” he asked when she hugged him for a bit too long.

“I haven’t broken down yet but I think it’s coming.” she said as she pulled back, keeping her hands on his arms and looking him in the eyes. They were getting glossy, she was going to be a wreck soon.

“We’re all here for you today Patty, if you can’t do something let me know and I’ll do whatever you need I don’t want you to push yourself.” he said with a soft smile. 

She hugged him once more, holding him tighter, “There he is, Daniel Howell who always put himself after the people he loved, we’ve missed you dear.” she was also holding onto the memory of her kid safe and happy playing playstation with him. 

He had no clue how he would be if Violet passed before him. He wouldn’t be able to put on a brave face and organize a funeral no matter how much time he had to process she wasn’t going to be alive at it. Saying goodbye to your kid for good sounded heartbreaking, he never wanted to do it. 

Once she finally pulled away Violet went in for a hug, holding her tight and Dan watched as she started to cry. Violet wasn’t a lot like Sarah, she was more like Dan, but she had Sarah’s height when she was 11, the same hairstyle and half of Sarah’s genes still. It was a no brainer why she was crying with Violet in her arms. 

A Man came up behind Pattritia, one he’d never seen before, a small boy trailed behind him in a small suit and it made Dan’s heart melt. He was also Sarah’s child, he looked just like her with his straight brownish red hair and his blue eyes, he had her old nose and butt chin, he was adorable. 

“Hello.” Dan said softly, peeking behind patty to look at the little guy.

“You must be Dan?” the man asked in a deep Welsh accent. He was over 6 feet tall, he was buff even in a suit, a nice face with a thick beard. He was everything Sarah always had a thing for when they were teenagers and he had to pretend not to want the same things in a man. 

“I, uh I am.” he said, putting his hand out to shake this new man’s hand.

“I’m Mark, Sarah’s husband. This is Matthew, our son.” he said, scooting down to pick him up and set him on his hip. 

“This is my boyfriend Phil, Violet my Daughter and Emily is Phil’s Daughter.” he said with a small nod in their direction. 

“It’s lovely to meet you all, thank you for coming.” he smiled back, “but uh, Dan? Can I talk to you alone for a moment?” 

Dan turned to Phil, he looked nervous for whatever this big man wanted but more nervous to leave Phil alone with people he never knew. “Go one I’ll be fine.” Phil said, patting him on the butt lightly.

“Okay yeah,” he said swallowing sharply. 

“Patty would you watch Matt?” he asked, handing him over to his grandma.

“Of course I will, we have to introduce the siblings properly.” she replied holding him in her arms and kissing his little cheeks.

Mark tilted his head as if to say “follow me”, taking Dan down the hall and into the funeral home’s office. He sat down in a chair and Dan followed, sitting beside him and crossing his legs. 

“So before Sarah passed, we had known she wasn’t going to make it and she spent a lot of time thinking about how to apologize to the people who meant the most to her in her life who she regretted not being the kindest to or spending the most time with. She reached out to almost all of them, except you.” he spoke softly. He was very calm for having lost his wife, even if he knew he would lose her for months prier. “She didn’t reach out to you because she was scared you’d still hate her for what she did to you.” 

“I never hated her.” he said softly, trying not to cry already. “She was my best friend and yeah she hurt me but she means so much to me, so much more than I’ll ever be able to express. She gave me my kid, she was always there for me as a kid as well and just cause she outed me and never talked to me again doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving her.” 

“That’s what I tried to tell her, from all the stories she told me about you two I knew you’d want to rekindle the friendship, that you didn’t seem the type to hold a grudge but it never got through to her. She didn’t want to physically face the mess she made for your life, but she kept up with you. She made your mum promise to never tell you but she’d ask about you and she kept all the photos of Violet you posted on Instagram. She beat herself up for it until the day she died.” he explained, Dan was getting more emotional at the thought. 

“The day she died I was in therapy crying over missing her and something in me wanted to reach out and it was too late.” he said with tears building in his eyes. “I miss her so much.” 

Mark coughed, clearing his throat slightly. “But I convinced her to write you a letter. I knew she would never be okay if she never got to tell you these things herself.” he explained, taking a letter out of his suit jacket pocket. “She wrote it for months, over and over till it was right. She finished it finally the day before she passed.” 

He took the letter from mark and placed it in his lap. “Thank you.”

“I’m going to let you read this alone, it’s personal to you both.” he said, getting up and straightening out his jacket. 

“Um, could you tell Phil to come in? I’m not emotionally stable on my own.” he confessed, looking down in his lap at the letter. 

“Yeah of course.” he said, leaving and returning with Phil shortly after.

Mark nodded his way before leaving the room once more and closing the door behind him. “The girls are with Patty, she’s a lovely woman.” Phil said, sitting in the seat Mark was once in. 

Dan cried soft tears while looking at Phil. “hey, love it’s okay.” he said, placing his hand on Dan’s. 

Dan saw the love seat on the other side of the room, “Can you sit with me and hold me while I read this? I don’t think I’m going to be okay.” 

“Of course I will, but are you sure it’s a good thing to read it now?” he asked.

Dan nodded, getting up and walking to the other chair. “I need closure, and it’s going to hurt and it’s going to suck but if I don’t read this while I’m here in this building with her spirit it will hurt more.”

Phil sat down beside him, he reached his arms around Dan’s waist and he held him tight. He put his head on Dan’s shoulder while he opened the letter. It was about a page long, handwritten and it looked exactly like the school work he copied off of for years growing up. 

 

‘Dan. 

I’m so sorry.

All my life i was in love with you, you were my best friend in the whole world and something in my 16 year old brain made me think that if you couldn't love me back my world would crash and burn and end. But it didn’t. Yours almost did and it was my fault. You always trusted me. You wanted to tell me your secrets and I just wanted them to not be true. I’m sorry I took advantage of you technically and I’m sorry I told everyone you were gay before you were ready. 

However, I’m not sorry I left Violet with you. I wasn’t ready to be her mom, and she deserved a parent who was going to love her and cherish her in a way I don’t think I could have at the time. She needed a role model to teach her right from wrong, to tell her how to treat people with kindness in everything she does and someone who was going to support her in anything she did in life. And that person will always be you. 

I’ve watched you grow into a man from afar, never really forgetting that I love you or that you were my best friend, even when I got married to another wonderful man I still wanted to always make sure my best friend is okay. I even went to therapy for a bit to talk out my feelings and identify that I wasn’t in love with you for the passion and the romance rather I was in love with you as my best friend. You’d always be my best friend soulmate and I’m always going to be sorry i fucked that up for us. 

Love is friendship on fire. And that’s how I feel about you. (Ironic though that you used to call yourself Danisnotonfire in everything we did growing up, but it just made me love that dork of a best friend I had even more.)

All I ask is that you’ve forgiven me, that you’ll be at my funeral and you will read this and understand I never did anything to intentionally hurt you, I did them because I was hurting. Mark knows this, and so does my mum but can you say a few words at the funeral if you’ve forgiven me? Or even just tell me you forgive me in some way. I know you aren’t a god fearing man like myself but I do believe that i will be watching down and i want to pass knowing I’ve righted my wrongs. I understand if you can’t but I hope you still have enough love in your heart for me to forgive me. 

One last thing, I hope you have someone loving you. I hope someone is showing you the love and ture friendship you deserve, that you’re happy and everything in your life is okay. There is no one in the world besides Violet that deserves eternal happiness more than you. 

I love you Dan. forever and always.

Sarah.” 

 

He cried the whole time he read it, stopping to wipe his tears or listen to Phil remind him he was okay. It was hard for him to read that knowing he never truly hated her and that she thought he did. He didn’t have to think twice about what she asked of him, he already knew that he was going to say he loved her and he was sorry and what she did sucked but he understood. He already planned to tell her he forgave her. He had no problem telling everyone else the same thing. 

Once he calmed down and didn’t look like he cried the English Channel himself, he went back out to the main hall to see everyone getting ready for the ceremony. Everyone was in black, he normally loved being in black but today he hated it and he knew she’d hate it too. She never liked when he wore black, she was the colour in his world back then and it was obvious looking through the crowd that she took it with her.

Mark came and grabbed Dan to come sit at the front with them. The front row was for family, he felt weird being considered family when he hadn’t seen any of them in close to 9 years. But it made sense, Violet was Sarah’s daughter, Dan was Violet's father so they all sat together. 

“Are you going to talk?” he whispered in Dan’s direction. 

“Yeah, I was going to ask if I could even before she asked me.” he confirmed. 

He smiled, “good.”

 

The ceremony was beautiful. The man who did it was religious, probably what Sarah wanted but he wasn’t too preachy. He was the perfect amount of comedy and God loving that Sarah would have enjoyed. He made it feel like she was there, laughing at the jokes and crying in the beauty of his words of God. 

Patty spoke, and so did Mark, and then Dan was asked to take the stand. 

“Dad?” he heard as he stood up.

“Yeah?” 

“Can I say something when you’re done?” Violet asked.

“Sure sweetheart.” he smiled, but he felt his heart start to break. 

He took the stand, looking out at everyone he knew. All the kids from drama club were grown, Sarah’s other girl friends were there in the back with a few baby’s. Her strange uncle and her sweet aunt who were always over getting drunk in the yard with her dad and Dan’s was there. It felt surreal looking out at all the faces he once knew so well. 

“Hello.” he spoke. Biting the inside of his lip as he paused. “Almost everyone here knows me but if you do not, I’m Daniel Howell, Sarah’s best friend and the father of her oldest child.” he took another pause letting people remember him.

“Sarah wrote me a letter, she wanted to right every wrong in her life before she passed, and she told me that the one thing she truly regrets is how she let our friendship end. Some people look at it as she was jealous, I was gay and we unfortunately had a child that she didn’t want. When it wasn’t that at all. 

“We loved each other a great deal. We loved each other so much so that she didn’t want to hurt everyday thinking of what we could have been. She loved me and Violet enough to let us go off and have a happy life together while she did what she needed to also be happy. I didn’t understand the kind of love someone needs to have to let go of someone for the other person's happiness until I fell in love as well.” he felt himself get choked up. 

“I will always love and miss Sarah. I have never hated her, I wish I could have told her this to her face, but as she said in her letter she knew she’d be here today watching over us. She knew that she would only be able to successfully pass knowing everything she ever did wrong was forgiven, and she has been.” 

He wiped the tear that fell down his face, and he looked up towards the ceiling. “Every single person in this room, and every single person who has had the pleasure of crossing paths with you Sarah, loves you.”

When he looked back at everyone else they were doing the same. All looking up, some mouthing the words ‘I love you.’ 

“One last thing she said was that Love was like friendship on fire, and I couldn’t agree more. This friendship will never be snuffed out Sarah. I’ll love you forever and always.”

Violet stood up, she walked up beside him and Dan stepped back for her to take the mic. “I just wanted to say that I never really knew my mum. I’ve heard every story from when they were kids and I know she was a wonderful woman and she loved me. And hearing what my dad just said made me think, I love my best friend with my whole heart, and I’m lucky enough that she’s my step sister now. Together we don’t have mum’s but we have two dads who love us more than anything. I'm grateful for what she's given me by letting us go.

“But I’ll always love you mum. I hope in heaven you’re with my grandparents, and you’re with our old dog and Emily’s mum and you can be friends and one day I’ll meet you up there.” she said. 

Her heart was too pure, she wasn’t crying. She wasn’t phased by what she said but everyone in the room was crying. She was looking up at the ceiling too, she was taking to her mum in ways Dan wished she could have before she passed.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *BTN isn't real i based it off OTN which is the therapy i do*

Getting home was easy and simple, the girls went to school that Friday, they went to work, it was all fine and back to somewhat normal. Only somewhat normal because while Dan was at work he got a job offer, something that could change everything for him, change the dynamic between him and Phil and their kids and he wanted to take it.

His boss had waited for him to come back from his ‘holiday’, he met Dan in Dan’s office that morning, Dan felt as if he was in trouble, he’d only talked to the man twice. Once when he was hired and again when he went to work for Young Minds. Both good things, so why would this be any different he thought. 

He explained that the office was going to have some changes, that there was a new movement made by the NHS that was coming to their hospital, that the office thought he’d be the perfect person for once again. The offer was to work for their telecare, to do skype sessions with those who can’t make it out to therapy, and that he’d be able to work from his own home as well if he so pleased. Opening office space to more counsellors and lower the wait period for help. He really wanted to take it.

When Dan got home from work, Phil had picked the girls up and was cooking spaghetti in his kitchen. Soon to be their kitchen, he placed his bag down, took off his shoes and walked into the room. He wanted to talk to him alone about what happened at work, and sooner rather than later.

“I have an idea.” he announced. 

“Hello to you too love.” Phil replied, stirring a pot on the stove and waiting for Dan to come over and hug him. 

So he walked up behind him, hugged him and planted a kiss to his cheek before continuing. “Tomorrow, how would the Lesters feel about going and packing a few boxes of things to keep here so that you don’t have to run home every few days for new things?” 

“Oh my gosh please?” Emily replied. 

“We can even set you up in the guest bedroom as your own for now until we can really make it your own room.” Dan explained to her, watching her light up. 

“That would be amazing Dan!” she cheered. 

“Why don’t you two go plan what you want to do with your rooms? We can re-decorate them and make them more you and not so childlike you know?” he suggested, “and we’ll call you down for dinner soon?” 

The girls agreed and ran off up the stairs, leaving Dan alone in the kitchen with the love of his life. He sat down and watch Phil continue to stir the pot of sauce he was making, it smelled amazing. 

“That sounds like a really good idea.” Phil agreed. 

“You guys are here so often she might as well feel like she is at home when she’s here.” he smiled, “cause let’s face it Phil, this is your home now.” 

Phil smiled back at him, “I know. I love it here, we love it here.” he said, making Dan’s heart ache. 

“We love it more with you here. It feels like a real family home finally.” he replied, having a hard time not getting sappy when he loved Phil and this world they made together so much. 

Phil changed the topic to work, what he did that day and asked Dan what he did, “well, I got a job offer from my boss that I want to take, but it would affect all of us now so I feel like I need to run it by you first.” 

“Okay.” Phil said, turning off the stove and coming to sit beside him. 

“Have you ever heard of BTN?” he asked.

“Nope, what is it?” Phil asked in return. 

“So it stands for Britain Telecare Network, the NHS started it a while ago but basically it’s online therapy for people who either can’t leave their homes or even for more therapists to be able to work at more hospitals without having to be in the building. Basically I’d turn my office here, that has my DDR pad and old computer games, into a work office and on weekdays I would work from home.” he explained.

“That sounds amazing! Yeah take it and stay home that sounds like the dream honestly!” Phil cheered, a smile on his face that made Dan feel amazing.

“Okay, I’ll email my boss later and let him know, and I’ll have to meet my clients still next week to let them know I’m leaving the office and stuff but I have always wanted to work at home so this is like my dream honestly.” Dan rambled with a smile plastered on his face. 

“I was thinking about filming a video on Sunday, would it be okay if Emily stays here while I film at my place?” Phil asked.

“Of course, follow your dreams as well babe.” 

 

The girls went to bed easy that night, Emily still wanted to spend one last night in Violets room before she had her own. It was cute how much they liked being together. They were almost as attached at the hip and their fathers. 

It had been a while since he’d done something without Phil, he loved the new codependency they had but he also liked to be alone. So he took a bath alone, he listened to his favorite music alone, he went back to their room and scrolled through the internet alone while Phil watched buffy in the living room while on his phone. It was nice to be alone but also know the person he loved was in the other room.

Phil came in around midnight, Dan watched him silently walk around the room, he grabbed some new underwear from Dan’s drawer and walked over to Dan’s side of the bed to kiss the top of his head. “I’m going to shower I’ll be back.” he said, Dan smacked his butt once he turned around. 

He came back 20 minutes later. His wet hair all messy, wearing nothing but his glasses and underwear. He was so beautiful Dan couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He got under the covers, plugged his phone in and sat there in more silence for a few minutes, watching Dan reblog things over his shoulder.

“Can I ask you something serious?” Phil said, not looking at him, but Dan felt the anxiety in the room.

“Of course babe.” he replied, closing his laptop to look over at him. Meeting Phil’s eyes after a few seconds of silence. 

“How do you afford this place and all your things? Like we’re going to be living together I want to know where I can pitch in and if we’re going to get married I feel like we should talk about the finances and things like that before we get too serious.” Phil spoke, it came out as if he’d thought it over and planned it for a while.

“Yeah, no I understand completely.” Dan agreed, trying to alleviate the anxiety Phil might have been feeling in asking. “Um, basically my grandparents were kinda loaded and also very stingy with their money so they never spent it they left it in trusts for me, Adrian and our one cousin, and when they passed in twenty ten I was old enough to access the trust and I used it to pay off my loans and then put the rest away so when I bought this place last year I used most of the money for it and I still have a lot left.” he explained. 

“Okay, so did you get a mortgage? Or did you pay it all off?” he asked.

“I got a ten year mortgage, its at a low rate and I use the money from my grandparents every month to pay it and the bills and then my paycheck for groceries and fun things. I have an accountant who helps me with it all, if you want I can get more info so you don’t think I’m marrying you so you get stuck with my bills.” he said with a giggle, knowing Phil would never think that.

“Oh thank god I didn’t want this to be like cinderella.” he joked back, “but seriously, my dad always taught me about financing and money. He always said it was a big deal and when I was married he was always on me to save money and make sure we were okay and I guess I’m still worried about that now.” 

“I understand, my parents were pretty poor when we were little, before my mom started working, I think that’s why I’m like afraid to spend my grandparents money cause like it’s there for emergencies and bills so if anything ever happens I have a lot to help with anything.” Dan said, a small smile on his face, remembering how hard it was growing up with nothing and not wanting that to happen again.

“Would it be alright if I asked how much?” Phil said nervously. 

“It’s fine Phil ask me anything!” he assured him, “I think I have around two hundred thousand left in there.” he said, watching Phil’s face drop.

“Holy fuck.” was all he said.

“They had good jobs, my grandad worked for the government or something I really don't remember cause he died when I was little, and my grandma never spent any money on us unless it was christmas. I think the three of us split a million when she passed and my dad and aunt split the amount of selling her house.” he explained more.

“I still get revenue from mine and Iris’s videos, she left it to me in her will. So outside of work I made around sixty grand on them last year.” Phil told him.

“Wow, so if you didn’t want to work you really wouldn’t have to you could make youtube videos and just live at home like Louise does?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, I could but I don't think people would watch me now.” he said, he took a deep breath and settled back into his pillows more, the heavy part of the conversation clearly over. “I’m not a teenager in my bedroom making sketches anymore I’m an adult with a child and almost a husband. I don't know what type of content i would make or what type of audience I would have.” 

“How about you make videos for yourself? Just make the content you would want to see and enjoy making and people who find it interesting and see how genuine you are will find you and enjoy your videos.” Dan told him, “and if it's any consolation, I’d watch anything you make, and I know a few others who would too.”

“I love you and I love how supportive and trusting and open we can be with each other, like I hate bringing up Iris and making it seem like I’m comparing this to my last marriage but she was never this open and calm with me.” Phil said softly.

‘My last marriage’ rang in dan’s ears over and over, from the first time he met Phil to now he’d changed from calling Iris his wife, to his last marriage. It made Dan feel important for some reason, like he’d moved on and Dan was the one with the most space in his heart now. He was jealous of a dead woman for so long and now he felt like he could let that go.

“I always want to be open and honest with you, I love you a lot Phil.” He said, putting his laptop on his night table and moving to cuddle into him.

“I was only married and with her for 3 years and the first year was great while she was pregnant and we moved in together and then Emily was born and it was amazing til her depression happened and I was finishing school so I wasn’t home during the days and she’d pick a fight over nothing and I’d try to help her but she wanted to also do everything on her own, it was really hard. I don’t want this relationship to change and get hard.” he spoke honestly. 

“That’s what my mom was saying to me the other day, that she is glad we skipped the baby years and the finding a home and being financially stable and got to skip right to being in love with two great kids. But we’re still going to hit rough spots at some point but as long as we can do this, slip into bed and cuddle and talk openly about our feelings and ask each other questions and answer everything honestly I think we’re going to be okay.” he replied equally as soft as Phil had.

“Can we make a plan, a vow if you will, that for the rest of our lives if anything upsets us or anything happens we will sit down and talk it out and listen and settle it before we go to bed?” Phil asked.

Dan sat up and pulled Phil up too so they were looking at each other. “Yes. that sounds like a plan, let’s make this spot our happy place. That if anything happens in the next forever that we’re together we can only come in here with pure intentions and a good conscious.”

“Exactly. This is our safe place together. From now on to forever.” Phil said, placing his hand on Dan’s cheek.

Dan moved his head forward, laying it on Phil’s forehead. Phil dropped his hand to pick Dan’s up and interlock their fingers. “I love you.” Dan said.

“I love you more.” Phil replied, and Dan let it slide this time. Even though he was pretty sure no one would love anyone more than he loved Phil. 

“In being honest with one another, I’m kinda jealous of Iris when you talk about her sometimes.” he said softly, still pressing their heads together.

“It’s hard for me not to talk about her when she was such a big part of my life and she was someone who I shared a lot of firsts with and she set the expectations I had for relationships. She was the one who made me think love wasn’t fun or easy, it was something you worked on and built over time and knocked it over to build again. She made me think keeping secrets was okay and that screaming instead of understanding and working together was what you did.” he took a breath and pulled away from Dan. “I have a hard time looking at how easy this is for us and how hard it was before you. She’s someone I loved, it’s so far past tense now though. When I met you she was someone who I held a standard of love to, now she’s someone who I look at as a learning curve. For so long I wasn’t looking for love cause I was afraid that she was it, that love was like that and I wasn’t going to be happy.” 

He looked sad, but he took a deep breath and pointed towards the wall that lead out to the living room, “Then you opened that front door out there and I was smacked in the face with the thought that love isn’t a one time only thing. It can happen again and again if you let it, you can love someone in a different way, you can learn to love in a different way and to be loved in a different way. And in this month alone, I’ve felt more love than I thought I would ever have.” 

Dan felt kinda choked up, he had too much love for that man that he could literally say anything and he’d cry over it. “So I don’t need to be jealous?” 

“Nope.” he smiled. “You’re the love of my life. You always have been.”

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Phil’s, knocking him back and following him, Phil landed on his pillow and Dan fidgeted to get comfortable on top of Phil’s body all while still kissing him. Laying half on him, he slid his leg between Phil’s for comfort and hopefully friction if he was lucky. 

Phil moved from his lips to his cheek and down his jaw, “can we?” he whispered in Dan’s ear. 

“Seeing as we only tell the truth in here, I was really hoping we could tonight.” Dan replied, running his hands through Phil’s hair while he dipped down more to kiss his neck. 

Love making with Phil, no matter how funny he found the term, would always be Dan’s favorite. A hot cheeky fuck was always fun too, but there was something about taking time to kiss every spot on the others body, to whisper soft words of true feelings, and making it last. The whole thing about making love was what he enjoyed the most. 

Peeling himself away from the kiss to go retrieve the lube was always the worst part, all he wanted was to stay in Phil’s embrace. But he also wanted sex so he climbed off him, clipped out of his track pants and shirt and got what they needed. 

He got back on top of Phil, continuing to kiss him while starting to open himself up. Lubing up his fingers with his eyes closed was a skill he didn’t know he had, but he was grateful he didn’t have to pull away from Phil once more. 

He felt so amazing, his whole body tingling at the feeling. He was getting harder the more Phil kissed him and ran his hands up and down his shoulder and back, the more he pumped his fingers in and out of himself. 

“My god I missed this.” he whispered as Phil moved to kiss his neck. 

“Sex? We literally did it two days ago.” Phil laughed, the vibrations at his neck felt like thunder on his skin.

“No," he replied, "fingering myself.” he whispered trying to dip back down to Phil’s mouth to kiss him again. 

Phil moaned at the words, something Dan did as a way of self love and “me” time was clearly a turn on for Phil. Phil reached behind Dan and grabbed both his butt cheeks, spreading them while Dan worked his fingers in and out in a new form of pleasure he’d never felt before. He pulled him down more, so that Dan’s naked body would rub against Phil’s clothed dick. 

“Are you good?” He whispered against Dan’s skin.

“Have been for a while.” he replied with a cheeky smile. He pulled back from Phil and sat straight up. “How do you want me?” he asked.

“Lie down.” Phil said softly. 

So he listened, he laid down beside Phil who was trying to desperately wiggle out of his underwear. His struggle made Dan laugh, he was the most sexy and adorable man he’d ever known in his whole life, “I’m so glad you’re mine.” he told him as soon as Phil was situated between his legs, completely naked as well. 

Phil was hovering over him, lubing himself up. “Can I?” he asked, griping himself at the base, Dan could swear he was drooling at the thought of it being inside him.

“Please.” 

He pushed in, the best feeling in the world, of their two bodies becoming one in the most wonderful way. Sex with Phil was something he never thought he needed, he would have gone his whole life having meaningless sex with meaningless men if it wasn’t for Phil, if Phil didn’t teach him that sex could be soft and fun and loving. 

He lowered back down to be hovering over Dan’s body. Dan reached around him to hold his back and pull him fully down and wrap his legs around him. “Let’s just enjoy this.” he whispered into Phil’s neck, kissing all the way back to his mouth. 

They worked together like they were always meant to, like they were built as a pair but sold separately. They had been together only a short time, but they acted as if they knew each other their whole lives and were just re-connected. One of the first things he told Phil was that he didn’t believe in soulmates, but this man really did change his mind. 

Holding Phil’s face in his hands and kissing him softly while Phil lightly thrusted in and out of him. He was in heaven, he could live in that moment for the rest of his life. He was going to get to be in that moment time and time again for the rest of his life. Phil was a definite in the rest of his life, and for the first time ever he was excited for the rest of his life. 

It seemed to last forever, but also not long enough. The familiar heat pooling in his stomach, he was close and he wished he wasn’t. He wanted to stay in the pre-orgasm bliss of his whole body being happy and on fire while he was wrapped around the man he loved.


	30. Chapter 30

hello for everyone subscribed to this please know that there is a new series after this fic called learning to grow, (with you) if you would like to check it out <3 you dont have to but i'd love it if you did! either go to my account or click on the learning to love series and you'll find it <3<3<3 i love you guys


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